im wondering when i'll break

[AintNoWayOut]

i've kept it mostly bottled up for all of these years. so much time wasted, dealing with the same problems every single day, things never getting better or taking an interesting turn, just the same painful monotony for so many fucking years. even most other depressed people have their ups and downs, they'll have some good sprinkled in here and there, or at least something DIFFERENT, my life has been the most stagnant, repetitive, hopeless fucking existence for so long now..... im creeping up on a decade since my chronic pain began, which isnt the sole reason for my mindset rn but its definitely sent me down a much more rigid, darker path. i signed up for this website almost three years ago somehow, and back then it had been six years since my world turned upside down... and now, poof, its been almost nine. most people go through all types of trials and tribulations in three years, experience a mixed bag of things ranging from horrible to amazing, meet people, go through relationships, work their way up a ladder of some kind... while every day for me has been the same. im in pain, i have to try and manage it, i cant, i feel stuck, i go to work (if i work, otherwise i stay at home usually), i fail to come across as a normal person and make any types of connections, i come home feeling like a failure, i repeat. no progress made in any way, and even in the event of the slightest good thing happening, it doesnt change my situation. and those "good" things are extremely small things that most regular people wouldnt even take notice of, like having a friendly exchange with someone, or having a few minutes of feeling like my body isnt being sadistically tortured. so now im nearly 24, still hurting, still alone, everything the exact same except for my location and age.

i could go on about my boring/hellish life, but i've said enough to make my point... that being, i dont know how i've suppressed all of this for so long. so much anguish, frustration, bitterness, all contained within me. i've posted on forums about it, i've told people about it, gone to therapy, all of that (even though i havent done it much lately since its fruitless) but i've never truly let it all out in its purest form because im just so fucking pacified from how much i've been broken down. theres so many bad things stirring within me that at some point, i feel like im going to break. i've had times where i felt myself on the verge of a breakdown, but couldnt bring myself to fully do it. i've had periods of time where i cried multiple times a day and felt like i was on the brink of doing something extreme, but still, i somehow managed to hide it and drag myself through my retail job five days a week. im just wondering at what point do i let loose and get myself locked in a hospital, or just jump straight to the most extreme option and do the thing we're all here to talk about. making this account three years ago i felt i was on the edge, yet im still here... and who fucking knows, i could be here for another 5+ years keeping my composure. but at some point, the dam is gonna have to break. idk what it says about me that i've been able to "cope" with this for so long because i dont think im particularly that strong of a person, but i know that most people in my shoes would have lost it a while ago. anyways, guess i'll just continue to weather the storm and wait to see when im no longer able to take it.

wrote this all in one take as a stream of consciousness/emotion btw so pls excuse if its hard to follow

 

[Hollowillow]

Sounds like you already broke.

So young to be in chronic pain but I was 24 when I got bed ridden. I'm impressed that you have a job.

Retail is the worst. Try working in a warehouse? Putying stuff in bixes was so relaxing. Better than my web design career. Worst clients ever.

I take vitamin c & b, magnesium, d for pain or exhaustion. Helps mood.

Best from green & meat but I restarted eating grains junk

Best wishes to get out of retail. Ctb is an option. Maybe try driving a lift in a warehouse it looks super fun.

 

[AintNoWayOut]

Sounds like you already broke.

So young to be in chronic pain but I was 24 when I got bed ridden. I'm impressed that you have a job.

Retail is the worst. Try working in a warehouse? Putying stuff in bixes was so relaxing. Better than my web design career. Worst clients ever.

I take vitamin c & b, magnesium, d for pain or exhaustion. Helps mood.

Best from green & meat but I restarted eating grains junk

Best wishes to get out of retail. Ctb is an option. Maybe try driving a lift in a warehouse it looks super fun.

yeah ur right, being broken from such a young age i barely have the "fight" in me to even freak out.... i just sit here and take it. its hard to accept my situation but im aware i have no other choice unless i opt out completely.

my pain started at 16... and its not so crippling im unable to walk or anything, its just very uncomfortable to be on my feet and do normal things. i CAN do them, but the whole time i feel very locked in place and out of touch with my surroundings.... lets just say if u saw me i'd probably appear awkward and possibly on drugs. its miserable, but its near impossible to explain so i'll leave it at that

and its funny u mention that because i was referring to the past tense. i was in retail from 2019 until a few months ago, when i started my current job at a warehouse. its definitely better, which may sound weird since im moving boxes which is physical, but i'd rather put up with that than have to multitask dealing with customers and ten other things. its a simple, straightforward job where im able to focus on one task. and maybe i should try and become a forklift operator down the road but im afraid my clumsy uncoordinated ass would drop a pallet full of 100 pound boxes and get someone killed. we'll see....

my diet is shit, i've just kinda given up on eating better/taking care of my health because the few times i tried it did virtually nothing for how i felt physically/mentally (they're connected sadly) but maybe i should try it again. or i'll simply continue to indulge until i snap idk

 

[locked*n*loaded]

It wasn't hard to follow at all. You pretty much summed up my entire life over the past 25 years or so. I've been living the same monotony for the past 25 years. Nothing new, or good, ever happens to me. To be honest, I don't try anymore to make anything happen. I guess I've taken myself out of the race. But, even before I did that, it was just the same old thing. I haven't had any "ups" as long as I can remember. I've had a lot of downs and they've seem to intensify over the past few years. All of my family has passed-away. Even with family around, I've been mostly alone, but it's even more so now. I don't have your chronic pain. My pain is really just my pathetic life, or lack of a life, I should say. I've never been to therapy, but no therapy is going to fix what I already know to be wrong. The only people I speak with are clerks in stores, just the normal small talk. My routine is mundane, suffocating really, and what keeps me going now is getting my affairs in order so that I can exit this existence of mine. I guess my "break" will be when I exit this world. It will simultaneously be my true breaking point and, at the same time, the break I need from this life and just going through the motions, the same old motions, day to day, week to week, year to year.

I know people are, oftentimes, a lot tougher than they think. We deal with a lot of adversity and still soldier through. You sound like you're one of those soldiers and a lot tougher than you think you are. Of course everyone has a breaking point and it's completely different from individual to individual. All any of us can do is soldier on, as best we can, until we reach that point. I don't think my point is all that far off in the future.

 

[FuneralCry]

It can be prison like being trapped in this human body and it's horrifying how the human body can cause people to suffer so much with no real relief. I get that it can be so dreadful having to endure a life that is just constant misery, it must be tiring what you are going through.
I wish you the best.

 

[makethepainstop]

I feel your pain. It's almost like we go through life as some specie's of robot. We have programs we run over an over every damn day of our lives.Like we are just some kind of cogs in a great big machine, it operates without us being allowed any input, or say. Yet we are forced to continue this hellish existence, and are expected to participate. Damn what any of us want. Love to all here, you deserve some love.

 

[AintNoWayOut]

It wasn't hard to follow at all. You pretty much summed up my entire life over the past 25 years or so. I've been living the same monotony for the past 25 years. Nothing new, or good, ever happens to me. To be honest, I don't try anymore to make anything happen. I guess I've taken myself out of the race. But, even before I did that, it was just the same old thing. I haven't had any "ups" as long as I can remember. I've had a lot of downs and they've seem to intensify over the past few years. All of my family has passed-away. Even with family around, I've been mostly alone, but it's even more so now. I don't have your chronic pain. My pain is really just my pathetic life, or lack of a life, I should say. I've never been to therapy, but no therapy is going to fix what I already know to be wrong. The only people I speak with are clerks in stores, just the normal small talk. My routine is mundane, suffocating really, and what keeps me going now is getting my affairs in order so that I can exit this existence of mine. I guess my "break" will be when I exit this world. It will simultaneously be my true breaking point and, at the same time, the break I need from this life and just going through the motions, the same old motions, day to day, week to week, year to year.

I know people are, oftentimes, a lot tougher than they think. We deal with a lot of adversity and still soldier through. You sound like you're one of those soldiers and a lot tougher than you think you are. Of course everyone has a breaking point and it's completely different from individual to individual. All any of us can do is soldier on, as best we can, until we reach that point. I don't think my point is all that far off in the future.

are u 25 or have the last 25 years in particular sucked for you?

but yeah its rough realizing just how many of my peers cant even comprehend someone living a life like mine lol. same shit day in and day out, no partying, no romance, minimal socializing.... the most socializing i get is at my job and i hate the person i work with. its like the opposite of having friends for me, im forced to interact with someone i dont like at all. just a single good friend, or a girlfriend, could make my life a lot more bearable but i dont think im able to connect with someone like that at this point. like you said, i've kinda taken myself out of the race.... which some might call self-sabotage, but thats ignoring all the reasons i have for doing it

and sometimes i think to myself that i have to be stronger than the average person to deal with this for so long.... but at the same time, i criticize myself for not being able to overcome it and lead a normal life in spite of it, which makes me feel weak. it doesnt make much sense since im dealing with obstacles most people dont, but i cant help but feel that way when im so behind compared to my peers

I feel your pain. It's almost like we go through life as some specie's of robot. We have programs we run over an over every damn day of our lives.Like we are just some kind of cogs in a great big machine, it operates without us being allowed any input, or say. Yet we are forced to continue this hellish existence, and are expected to participate. Damn what any of us want. Love to all here, you deserve some love.

sometimes i feel like im in a simulation where the creator of the simulation is just torturing in as many ridiculous ways as they can think of to see how far i can be pushed before breaking down lol. it almost feels as if my life is performance art sometimes where im the subject, and the goal is to see how chronic pain, loneliness, etc can destroy someone mentally. i just feel so out of touch from normal life that my mind finds crazy ways to justify it... the fact my one chance at life turned this way evokes this deep terror in me which i've kept mostly suppressed. when it hits me is when i begin freaking out, but its been happening less and less since im so broken down already. and yes, even going through all of this, i still need to be a good boy and operate as part of the machine, while the machine is cold and uncaring of me. it'd be nice if people got the love they deserve but.... sadly, we arent "entitled" to anything, which in some people's minds means we dont deserve the slightest bit of empathy.

It can be prison like being trapped in this human body and it's horrifying how the human body can cause people to suffer so much with no real relief. I get that it can be so dreadful having to endure a life that is just constant misery, it must be tiring what you are going through.
I wish you the best.

cant tell u how often i think of being able to escape from my own body.... which sounds strange, since we are technically our bodies in a sense, but i hate that thats the case. i hate being confined to this hurting prison of flesh and being under its control. i just want to fly out of it and be a free ball of energy or something, no longer inhibited by stiff joints, tight muscles, aching bones, etc and able to express myself without having to worry about how my stupid fucking neck feels. the difference between a great and miserable life can be something like your spine curvature... all physical, yet suicidal people are always seen as solely having mental issues. which sure, i deal with those too, but the mind and body are strongly connected. if you cant move your body in the way its supposed to without having to wrestle with pain, stiffness, discomfort etc literally 24/7, you're likely going to end up very frustrated and depressed.

 

[Hollowillow]

yeah ur right, being broken from such a young age i barely have the "fight" in me to even freak out.... i just sit here and take it. its hard to accept my situation but im aware i have no other choice unless i opt out completely.

my pain started at 16... and its not so crippling im unable to walk or anything, its just very uncomfortable to be on my feet and do normal things. i CAN do them, but the whole time i feel very locked in place and out of touch with my surroundings.... lets just say if u saw me i'd probably appear awkward and possibly on drugs. its miserable, but its near impossible to explain so i'll leave it at that

and its funny u mention that because i was referring to the past tense. i was in retail from 2019 until a few months ago, when i started my current job at a warehouse. its definitely better, which may sound weird since im moving boxes which is physical, but i'd rather put up with that than have to multitask dealing with customers and ten other things. its a simple, straightforward job where im able to focus on one task. and maybe i should try and become a forklift operator down the road but im afraid my clumsy uncoordinated ass would drop a pallet full of 100 pound boxes and get someone killed. we'll see....

my diet is shit, i've just kinda given up on eating better/taking care of my health because the few times i tried it did virtually nothing for how i felt physically/mentally (they're connected sadly) but maybe i should try it again. or i'll simply continue to indulge until i snap idk

Exactly! I like boxes. I'd dangerous with anything on wheels.

It sounds like neuropathy or brain damage... Or just vitamin b deficiency. All the same b cure.

Does it sounds like this : "A deficiency of vitamin B12 can cause cognitive impairment and myeloneuropathy—damage to the spinal cord and peripheral nerves in the legs—resulting in difficulty walking, weakness, numbness, and poor coordination. Doctors recommend checking B12 levels, especially for anyone being evaluated for dementia or neuropathy. "

I eat meat but need a lot of supplements. Big B complex, plus B 12... C, d magnesium. Veggies & meat. I added them to ramen with an egg. Upgraded junk.

Without enough b the nerves in your brain waste away. It can be repaired. I got hit by a car I improved a lot.

Still barely alive... 3 near death experience in a year .. I'm done. But I think you can heal. Not to prolong life hell no. But better quality. I use C & B as pain healers.

Try it and let me know if coordination gets better? Eggs are cheap.

 

[locked*n*loaded]

are u 25 or have the last 25 years in particular sucked for you?

The latter. Not sure things could have sucked for me from birth, but then again, I can't remember all the way back then.