Venting I’m unraveling, thread by thread

[Chemi]

I'm unraveling, thread by thread, and the mental storm inside me won't let up long enough for me to catch my breath.

My mind turned against me decades ago, twisting every thought into a knot of despair, leaving me trapped in a cage I built from my own fears. Depression didn't knock. It kicked the door down and never left after you left me, my bestie. Anxiety claws at my throat every waking second, turning simple moments into battles I'm too exhausted to fight. I am watching the world spin on without me. Friends laughing over coffee, lovers entangling their hearts, my brothers starting families and building futures, and I'm just a ghost on the sidelines, invisible and aching to join but forever locked out by the isolation that all kinds of trauma carved into my soul.

I wasn't there for my best friend when she needed me most. Too lost in my own suicidal and depressed fog to hear her pleas. She died terrified and very brutally, and I know me switching schools pushed her over the edge. Bullying shattered her, but my betrayal sealed it. That guilt wakes me screaming, a constant echo in the quiet hours. Maybe if I hadn't seen her last moments, I would be okay by now, but instead, it will forever leave a planet-sized hole in my soul.

But instead of help dealing with this trauma as a child, I had to keep it secret. My father was never emotionally supportive of me, and my Mom was never home. I never had a parent I could vent to or ask for help, and if I did, I got just made fun of for being a crybaby. I stripped my self-worth before I even knew what it was, leaving me so hollow and convinced I'd poison anyone who got close.

Friends slipped away one by one, overdoses, accidents, or even more suicides, and their ghosts haunt me, whispering that I could've saved them if I weren't so broken. The drugs I turned to for escape only amplified the chaos, turning whispers into roars until my brain was a battlefield of addiction and regret.

But even worse than drugs was my addiction to cutting. It was the only language my body still understood when my mind went mute. The blade was a translator: Every cut that popped my skin open into a gaping canyon was the most non-sexual orgasmic sensation I could dream of. I couldn't wait for the next one, and the next, and the next… The sting was proof that something inside me could still feel, even if all the feeling was pain. It was finally in control when everything else was chaos. @wishiwasalittlecool described it perfectly as carpet bombing with cuts.

Despite everything, I tried seemingly everything to claw my way back during the last decade. Therapy sessions that blurred into years, like a dozen psych ward stays, none of which helped for long, if at all. Meds that numbed the edges but never touched the core rot. I want happiness so badly, but my trauma never fades. It just festers, turning every memory into a fresh wound.

Isolation is my prison now. I sit alone in the same room, day after day, too fractured to connect, too worthless to contribute. Society moves on, and I'm left staring at screens, envying lives I'll never touch. People still ask me about future plans. Christmas, trips, gatherings, dreams, my upcoming surgery, and I fake a smile while knowing I'll fade before they happen.

I never got to wake up without the dread of another day in this mental hell.
I wish I'd been born with a quieter mind.
I wish I were oblivious enough to ignore the misery gnawing at me.
I wish I could flip a switch and silence the noise for just a moment, breathe without the weight of all this accumulated pain.

Trauma and isolation have hollowed me out, left me desperate for the peace that only the end can bring. I'm writing goodbyes no one my age should have to pen, folding the memories I can still cling to, preparing for the silence I've craved.

I'm so damn tired.
I'm so sorry to everyone I let down.
I just really want the hurting to stop.
AAAA

 

[endlesstranquility]

Bullying shattered her, but my betrayal sealed it. That

I'm sorry

 

[Zyntkalla]

I feel you. I am unraveling my thread but it more for getting rid of my stuff before I go. And it is really hard to let go because there is some stuff I would love to finish or do. But I know with my issues, it's so hard and makes me miserable. I'm torn between letting go and staying even though I want to stay.But I'll have to be in constant pain all the time. I hate feeling this loss it's unbearable.

 

[Unlucky777]

I feel like I could have written this as I am feeling exactly the same way. Isolating myself and my trauma responses right now are kicking my ass. I'm so sorry you have to endure that suffering it's very soul crushing. I hear you. I see you.

 

[kuroshimi]

I feel you.

I isolated myself back in the day because I don't want to deal with terrible people around me. I guess that when my depression arrives without knocking the door and living rent-free in my head since then. I wasn't aware though. I thought it was my personality trait. But more I was unraveling, the more I understood that it's something more.

And I as well just seeking for happiness which has simply destroyed in my childhood, but I feel that searching for it is pointless.

 

[Sphene]

There's so much a person can miss out on when they're struggling. I know it's easy to say, but you really shouldn't blame yourself for not always being there for others when you were barely managing yourself.
It sounds like the systems that were meant to support you let you down, and I'm really sorry you had to go through that. You seem like a genuinely kind person, and I hope you're able to find some moments that feel lighter

 

[tearsofanangel]

Your poetic language paint the emotion vividly. Even though we have different stories, it's like you've said so many words I've meant to say myself, but have been unable to write. I'm so sorry you've felt like this, too. You're not alone in this, and I hope the words of members of the community help soothe some of the isolation you feel.
I don't have the best words in me for advice or taking away the pain. But I'm so sorry this is all so hard. I hope a moment of rest and peace comes soon for us.

 

[HangMan123]

I wasn't there for my best friend when she needed me most. Too lost in my own suicidal and depressed fog to hear her pleas. She died terrified and very brutally, and I know me switching schools pushed her over the edge. Bullying shattered her, but my betrayal sealed it.

It wasn't your fault at all. Just think about it: how could it be?
You didn't bully her—that was all other kids (fuck them, btw).
You didn't make the decision to change schools—your parents did. Even if you wanted to move schools, your parents needed to give their consent for you.
Did she tell you that your switching schools pushed her over the edge?
…Or was she still hanging out with you, still wanted you by her side when she jumped? You know what that means, right? She wanted the person she cared about the most by her side as she made the most serious decision possible. She spent her last day not with her family, but with YOU because you're who she adored the most.
You thinking that she "hated you" is you hating yourself—not her. She loved you.
You thinking that "she felt betrayed" is you subconsciously feeling betrayed by her. Because—let's face it—that's exactly what she did, albeit unintentionally. She wasn't thinking straight—no one who wants to CTB is (that's also why you didn't "hear" her pleas, which she herself was silencing anyway). She wasn't thinking about the future or the consequences it held because her mind subconsciously knew that she wasn't going to have one. So, instead of you thinking that you failed to see her suicidal state, you should realize that it was her that failed to see the harm she was going to cause you.
You didn't push her over the tracks—she did that all by herself, and the ones who guided her there were NOT you, but her bullies.
The only thing you did was experience horrific survivor's guilt, which is just your brain tricking you to deal with immense trauma and misguided feelings of guilt. I'm so so sorry that you had to see something so horrific. Nobody should have to see that, let alone a kid. I hope you're able to forgive yourself, like your friend would've wanted.

 

[Chemi]

@HangMan123 Thank you for saying all that. Seriously, thank you