I'm tired of missing out

[Braindead Atheist]

I feel like I've been in an 11 year coma since I was bullied my the mean principal and her pet nun at Holy Spirit Elementary. All my classmates have gone on to live successful and fulfilling lives and while I've had to watch and deal with trauma after trauma that followed what happened. No one outside of SS wants to hear about what I went through and what I keep having to deal with as a result of my ADHD. I'm very social and love catching up with people, but I know they're all going to ask me what I'm doing in life and pressure me to do something about my problems and life path. I've actually tried that approach and it doesn't work. And when I explain that to them, they say I'm being "negative" and they dismiss me, get mad or stop talking to me. I no longer have anything to say to anyone and while many people have said they genuinely care, I know there's always a limit to how much and what conditions. I tried reaching out to people who helped me in the past, but they all want me to move on and not talk to them, when I'm trying to piece thing together. I mentioned before that I also attended a public elementary school called OPC and the principal there was kind. I tried giving her drawings, a while ago and she said she'd meet with me but changed her plans twice. Ig life happens, but anyways that's beside the point.

I was angry about the trauma that happened at Holy Spirit and art caused the bullying and now that there's no way to pursue design, it was all for nothing. I emailed her about this and how I would like to destroy the art I gave her because I ran out of my own stuff to destroy. She called my mom, because she was "worried" (Probably thought I was going to CTB). I emailed her apologizing and offering to give her something I painted last year, knowing that the school carnival would be the only way to do that. She said it was solely a school event this year and I "should keep" the vase. Idk it seemed kind of stand offish, but it could just be a more professional tone. She's also retiring, so I won't get a chance to say goodbye.

But now I'm realizing that maybe this is just another person who doesn't want to reconnect and is only responding to be polite and professional. I sort of came to an understanding; giving this type of fakeness, along with people's abusiveness in the workplace, and the general dismissive and stand-offish attitudes, I don't owe one single person my existence. Abusing someone for their struggles is probably the worst thing you can do. But that doesn't mean it's ok to pretend to care about a person either. It only causes problems with boundaries and communication and eventually breaks a person's willingness to trust. For example, if you were to pretend to care, and the person didn't realize you weren't being genuine, then you really have no right to be annoyed at them for wanting to socialize. Leaving the person confused and a bit put off. Eventually they'd get it and be very hesitant to trust again.

This is the same concept as forcing someone to stay just because "suicide is wrong" and then not wanting to support them and give them what they need to solve their problems and/or get out of a tough situation. Saying or implying you care about someone and then not wanting to see or talk to them doesn't count and isn't genuine. Don't stop someone from ending their suffering via CTB if you can't or don't want to help them out of their current situation. I know with the world we live in; if I stay, it's my life THEIR choice, therefore; my life MY problem. Yeah no. Rethink your implied logic and try again. Unacceptable.

 

[CTB Dream]

This know crurl ppl no want cnct also prtnd care this all show all lie, awful human vry sry this all trama hpn ,know how injury damage nobod care

 

[FuneralCry]

It really is so awful how humans create so much harm in this world, I guess that after all you cannot trust and rely on them as humans have the potential to be so incredibly cruel and insensitive. It's certainly true that many of them just pretend to care when they really couldn't care less.

 

[Braindead Atheist]

It really is so awful how humans create so much harm in this world, I guess that after all you cannot trust and rely on them as humans have the potential to be so incredibly cruel and insensitive. It's certainly true that many of them just pretend to care when they really couldn't care less.

Exactly, they make me WANT to forget about existing and shut life out. Idk what I want to do about life yet. I was thinking either shut everything out and stop trying, you know just sit in my room and stare and see if that induces a psychogenic death. Or use the SN I bought.