mumukio
New Member
- Jul 23, 2024
- 3
I don't even know how to explain the way I've been feeling. I just don't care about anything anymore. A few months ago I wrote about how bad things were and honestly I didn't think it could get worse but somehow it did. I thought getting a job would help me feel like I had some control or some direction, but it's just made me feel more anxious.
My job requires me to interact with a lot of people at once and whenever I have to talk in front of a group or even just 2 people, my whole body freaks out. My heart starts racing, my mind blanks, I forget everything I practiced, and I end up stuttering or rushing through whatever scraps I can remember. It's humiliating. I also just freak out internally over every single minor interaction I have with my coworkers. I end up regretting everything I say because I tend to overshare whenever I'm spoken to and I feel like it makes things so awkward. I end up thinking about my entire work shift all night. I genuinely don't sleep until about an hour or two before I have to get up for work again because of it. I feel incredibly disappointed in myself.
Outside of work, my life is empty. I don't have friends. I don't talk to my family either, even though they're right there in the same house. Honestly, being around them feels like walking on glass. Everything I do gets judged, criticized, or tied to something religious. Or I'm compared to my twin sister all the time. I can't even explore things I think might make me a little happy without being told I'm doing something wrong or that I'm a freak. I'm not even really allowed to do anything somewhat healthy like go on a walk anymore. I'm trying to save up to move out because staying here feels suffocating.
I miss having hobbies. I miss having things I looked forward to. I miss being somewhat normal. Nothing hits the same anymore. I stopped going to the gym. I stopped caring about how I look or feel. I come home, crash on my bed, play video games I don't even enjoy anymore, and then sleep. That's literally my whole routine. The last two days off work, I didn't speak out loud once. Not a single word. It's like my voice disappears when I'm alone, like I forget how to be a person outside of work.
I'm just so lonely it's ridiculous. I want friends so badly, I want connection, but the thought of talking to someone already makes me tired. I hate that I'm like this. I'm angry with myself for wanting people but not having the energy to deal with anyone. It's like I'm stuck in this loop of wanting more but not having anything left to give. Sometimes it hits me that I'm 18 and everyone else my age seems to be living their lives, going out, making memories, having experiences, and I'm just… missing out. I've tried taking other peoples advice when it comes to making friends, and I've just been told I'm either too annoying or too quiet or even off putting?? It's frustrating.
I'm mentally, emotionally, and socially exhausted. I feel like I'm stuck in this version of myself that isn't really living, just going through the motions. And I don't know how to break out of it.
I made a promise to myself that if I hadn't made at least 1 genuine connection with someone before April 15th 2026 that I'd just give up life completely. I'm thinking of moving the date up because I don't see anything positive happening any time soon. Dying sounds better than living whatever the fuck this life is.
My job requires me to interact with a lot of people at once and whenever I have to talk in front of a group or even just 2 people, my whole body freaks out. My heart starts racing, my mind blanks, I forget everything I practiced, and I end up stuttering or rushing through whatever scraps I can remember. It's humiliating. I also just freak out internally over every single minor interaction I have with my coworkers. I end up regretting everything I say because I tend to overshare whenever I'm spoken to and I feel like it makes things so awkward. I end up thinking about my entire work shift all night. I genuinely don't sleep until about an hour or two before I have to get up for work again because of it. I feel incredibly disappointed in myself.
Outside of work, my life is empty. I don't have friends. I don't talk to my family either, even though they're right there in the same house. Honestly, being around them feels like walking on glass. Everything I do gets judged, criticized, or tied to something religious. Or I'm compared to my twin sister all the time. I can't even explore things I think might make me a little happy without being told I'm doing something wrong or that I'm a freak. I'm not even really allowed to do anything somewhat healthy like go on a walk anymore. I'm trying to save up to move out because staying here feels suffocating.
I miss having hobbies. I miss having things I looked forward to. I miss being somewhat normal. Nothing hits the same anymore. I stopped going to the gym. I stopped caring about how I look or feel. I come home, crash on my bed, play video games I don't even enjoy anymore, and then sleep. That's literally my whole routine. The last two days off work, I didn't speak out loud once. Not a single word. It's like my voice disappears when I'm alone, like I forget how to be a person outside of work.
I'm just so lonely it's ridiculous. I want friends so badly, I want connection, but the thought of talking to someone already makes me tired. I hate that I'm like this. I'm angry with myself for wanting people but not having the energy to deal with anyone. It's like I'm stuck in this loop of wanting more but not having anything left to give. Sometimes it hits me that I'm 18 and everyone else my age seems to be living their lives, going out, making memories, having experiences, and I'm just… missing out. I've tried taking other peoples advice when it comes to making friends, and I've just been told I'm either too annoying or too quiet or even off putting?? It's frustrating.
I'm mentally, emotionally, and socially exhausted. I feel like I'm stuck in this version of myself that isn't really living, just going through the motions. And I don't know how to break out of it.
I made a promise to myself that if I hadn't made at least 1 genuine connection with someone before April 15th 2026 that I'd just give up life completely. I'm thinking of moving the date up because I don't see anything positive happening any time soon. Dying sounds better than living whatever the fuck this life is.
