Andro_USYD
Artificially happy on medicine
- Jul 1, 2023
- 140
Hi All,
So, right now I'm having an agonizing time. All I did was do 3 hours of study on my bed on my tummy (and as I take Buvidal - Similar to Suboxone/Sublocade) I must've spent so much time in the position without noticing what it was doing to me and now I have had a sleepless night of nothing but non-stop pain. I can't breathe in properly, I usually have to stand up to get relief from it and before without valium it was so hard to breathe because I was getting anxiety (of course sometimes thinking it's my heart gone faulty).
This experience, the pain I'm in right now as I try to get short breaths in, makes me realise that one day I'm probably going to suffer a lot with all the bad choices I've made and hence want to have a Suicide method available when that time comes. If I can't even stand this, what's going to happen if I end up getting heart disease, cardiovascular, cancer, etc.
Now a bit more about what I mean when I say "going to suffer a lot with all the bad choices I've made":
- I vape a lot
- I drink a lot of beer
- I take ADHD meds
-I take rispiridone and antidepressants
-In the past I have taken speed
-In the past I have taken Ice
-In the past I have taken cocaine, MDMA and various other drugs
- I don't get the necessary hours of walking around per day
-University has turned into a nightmare and I failed like 3 subjects last term, haven't attended once this semester.
- The pain I'm experiencing right now is relentless and probably I will eventually end up getting some disease or something.
So, what I want is a gun so, if the time ever comes then I can just hold it to my head and pull the trigger. Something that won't possibly fail.
I can't even get through this and this is apparently nothing but I'm struggling to breathe and this is a very strong reminder that I have to be ready once the time comes that I'm just suffering like this and there is no hope of getting better.
I'm actively going to look towards buying a shotgun however in AUS it's a tad difficult,
Nevertheless, I want it to be on my own terms (just a bit of a rant as I haven't used SS for a while).
Pain is too bad & I hate it.
So, right now I'm having an agonizing time. All I did was do 3 hours of study on my bed on my tummy (and as I take Buvidal - Similar to Suboxone/Sublocade) I must've spent so much time in the position without noticing what it was doing to me and now I have had a sleepless night of nothing but non-stop pain. I can't breathe in properly, I usually have to stand up to get relief from it and before without valium it was so hard to breathe because I was getting anxiety (of course sometimes thinking it's my heart gone faulty).
This experience, the pain I'm in right now as I try to get short breaths in, makes me realise that one day I'm probably going to suffer a lot with all the bad choices I've made and hence want to have a Suicide method available when that time comes. If I can't even stand this, what's going to happen if I end up getting heart disease, cardiovascular, cancer, etc.
Now a bit more about what I mean when I say "going to suffer a lot with all the bad choices I've made":
- I vape a lot
- I drink a lot of beer
- I take ADHD meds
-I take rispiridone and antidepressants
-In the past I have taken speed
-In the past I have taken Ice
-In the past I have taken cocaine, MDMA and various other drugs
- I don't get the necessary hours of walking around per day
-University has turned into a nightmare and I failed like 3 subjects last term, haven't attended once this semester.
- The pain I'm experiencing right now is relentless and probably I will eventually end up getting some disease or something.
So, what I want is a gun so, if the time ever comes then I can just hold it to my head and pull the trigger. Something that won't possibly fail.
I can't even get through this and this is apparently nothing but I'm struggling to breathe and this is a very strong reminder that I have to be ready once the time comes that I'm just suffering like this and there is no hope of getting better.
I'm actively going to look towards buying a shotgun however in AUS it's a tad difficult,
Nevertheless, I want it to be on my own terms (just a bit of a rant as I haven't used SS for a while).
Pain is too bad & I hate it.
