IwantSomething
Member
- Aug 7, 2022
- 16
Hello everyone! I hope you're all doing ok or at least ok for you. I don't know I'm just down in my own head it's like 1:10 am and I haven't been able to sleep in a few days. I'm currently staying at a different friends house. I get an actual bed this time! So yay me. I've been applying to jobs everywhere I have been for a while though. It's not easy to get hired considering everything though. I've only had one job before and I can't really use it for a good word though. I'm not really feeling horrible right now I just sort of wanted to talk? I guess? I'm not sure on here it seems like people know and understand and don't mind me. It's strange. I guess I wanted to talk about some good things that have happened recently or just in general maybe so that i can try to convince myself things were good once and can get good again. I'm not sure but I'm gonna talk anyways. When I was 15 I went to a queer summer camp. It was the best experience I've ever had. That's sad isn't it. A stupid summer camp that ended in three days is the happiest I've ever been? Probably. Doesn't matter though. When I went there everything was perfect it was like I could look around and smile a genuine smile. I miss it there. When I was there I made a lot of friends and one of the counselors was like a father to me. He always let me talk to him and even after camp we would talk pretty much every day on Instagram. He would always respond and make me feel ok. I don't know why but I could never really accept that any of them cared about me. It seemed too good. He was the first adult that I had ever met who could talk to me like I mattered. I used to fall asleep imagining how good my life could have been if I had been adopted by him and his boyfriend instead of the parents that did adopt me. At that camp everyone called me my true name instead of my legal one. I could wear whatever I wanted and eat things that I could actually eat. And I could make a joke and people would laugh! At that camp people thought I was funny and smart and cool. And going back to home to my parents and my town was like a slap to the face. I got in that car and it was immediately different I kept my head down I only spoke single words and I only said them if I was spoken too first. I made sure that I always had a bag or two of croutons in my room sometimes I would get a bag of cereal that would last a week or two. That way I wouldn't have to go out of my room to anywhere but the bathroom that was right next to my room. If they didn't know I was there they couldn't hate me. I would message the people from camp every day pretty much every hour. But they were getting tired of me. I find that everyone does. They stopped responding every text. Then they stopped responding every day. Then they just stopped responding. So I stopped texting. Maybe I should have kept trying. But I didn't. I'm still in contact with two people from that camp but they don't really like me that much. I miss a lot of people. Which is stupid I was a child no relationships in childhood last. But I miss every single one of them. I can name everyone I ever dated or was friends with. I had some good friends. Not many but a few. I suppose that was my fault though. Heavy autism horrible home life those things don't mix to make a well adjusted kid. I had one thing going for me though! I was smart. I got straight A's I could remember anything I didn't need to take notes. I was always the first one done especially in English and language arts. People would pay me to do their work and sometimes they would pretend to be my friend so I would do their work for free. I knew they weren't actually my friend. But they didn't hurt me and didn't say anything mean to my face so it was an equal trade. I had to drop out of highschool though. It wasn't safe for me. I had gotten death threats I had been sexually assaulted multiple times and I still have a slur carved into my upper arm from a time that I went into the bathroom. Im 100% sure that if countinued going there I would be permanently injured or dead. I didn't want to take the gamble of which. Once I dropped out of school I didn't get out of the house. Period. I stayed in my room tucked into my bed trying not to let anyone notice me. When they did and I got kicked out I would stay at a friends for a few days before they let me back in. Eventually I wasn't allowed back in. I always wondered what would have happened if I had been a good enough daughter. If I hadn't become a son. If I had stayed good like they wanted. I tried. I tried so hard to be what everyone wanted. I promise. And now I'm the type of person nobody wants. Isn't that funny and ironic. I tried to be what everyone wanted and I became what no one wanted. I saw on my moms social media that my dog might be getting put down. That hurts. A lot. I won't get to say goodbye to her. I miss them both. My parents hated me so I miss them yeah but not too much. But my dogs had always been there for me. And I'm positive they think that I abandoned them or died. I wish I could pet them one more time and tell them I love them. I hope they know I love them. God I'm crying now lol. My dogs were the perfect dogs. They weren't the best behaved but god I loved them. They were so cuddly and loveable and I miss them so much. They used to sleep curled up next to me and hog the blanket so I couldn't move but I would let them have it because they were always so sweet. I wish I could just tell them they were good dogs. They were such good dogs. They got me through some tough times. I don't know what to do. About anything. I can't die. But I can't live. I'm not alive. Not really. I'm glad I have this place to talk.
