Venting I'm still here. Why?

[deadtrace]

So same start as my previous vents. I got myself in the cycle of thinking I'd really try to push through all this and get on with my life, it all fell apart and here I am right back here again. Now I'll vent here, think about ctb again for weeks, not be able to do it, then it'll restart again. I'm trapped.

I was already depressed and had constant SI, but now I'm stuck on the edge where I've drawn out education as long as I can for nothing, and need to get a job. I never had any sort of ambitions career wise or anything I wanted to do even when not clearly depressed (short periods but they have happened ages ago). I always just latched onto things someone said I was good at and went "that's me yep I'll do that everyone knows me as the person who likes that."

Now I need to actually get a job and I just can't. I already wanted to die before this point. Anxiety is bad to the point where I can't even speak to someone, and have just disconnected and broke down during the two interviews I've had in like 6 months now. I can't even motivate myself to continue, I haven't applied properly for anything in the last 2 months because of it. I don't even want any of it. There is no job I want, how do people cope with work I can't even get my head around the idea of doing it.

Why am I even trying to get better? What's the endgame for it? Work? Great.

Even more reasons to ctb but I still can't do it. I keep trying, I sit down with stuff around me to do it and I just can't. I'm fucking scared. It terrifies me and I have no drive to push past fear in any facet of my life so how am I meant to push past this? I'm stuck in a perpetual cycle of just nothing. My life is nothing and so am I. Why can't I just do it it's been so long that I've been thinking about it and trying why can't I just do it.

 

[JaJu]

There is no job I want, how do people cope with work I can't even get my head around the idea of doing it.

Exactly my thoughts. I see people regularly going to work every morning and think to myself, "are they robots? machines that can just function with a little bit of oil?" I don't know how they do it. Thankfully my job doesn't require super early hours, but I still absolutely dread the thought of waking up the night before work day begins.

I also have anxiety and difficulty speaking with people after all the isolation (idk how I passed the interview stages.. I think I faked my confidence as much as possible after researching about their company as much as I could), so that makes my job so much more stressful as a sales/customer service rep... the customers can sense my uneasiness and decide that my services are not professional. They don't want me to serve them, they want someone else who can do a better job of helping them. I regretted getting this job and wondered if I would have been better off trying a job that involves more physical labor instead, but thinking about waking up every morning to do that also makes me feel hopeless and drained because what's the point...

Why am I even trying to get better? What's the endgame for it? Work? Great.

This.

I guess for me it's that I know I don't have the courage to attempt at CTB so I have to slave away if I don't want to become homeless and suffer even more in the future. Sigh indeed.

 

[LunarGirl]

I feel like I'm trapped in the same cycle as you. Staying in education just to stall out my life because I can't find the energy to do anything else. Constant up and downswings, but each downswing is worse than the last. I don't think I can continue much longer. If I try to go, my survival instinct is too strong despite me not having anything to live for.

 

[olegsitnikov]

Have you tried to take anti-anxiety meds and ads? What if take meds all the time?