Venting I’m starting to get angry when my friends try to help me.

[otomedissection]

I feel terrible about it, but I feel like my self-loathing, paranoia, and insecurity runs so deep that even when I get the guts to ask for help and somebody wants to help me, I get so irrationally upset. And I know damn well that I'd only complain harder if nobody reached out to me and showed concern, but I also can't help how I feel when someone does. To me, it's all showmanship. They pretend to care or send me a text so they can do their good deed for the day. They want me to stick around so I can feed their ego because they know I'll do anything to get people to like me. It pisses me off so much. And there's absolutely no evidence that this is true but I still believe it anyway. Idk maybe I just get secondhand embarrassment and disgust from the idea of anyone caring about me because that's all I ever learned growing up. That showing care for me was the biggest insult somebody could pay to themselves. I just don't want to be perceived at all anymore. I just want to be left alone.