Venting Im so so soooo tired

[Busridin'26]

Im just tired of pretty much everything. Tired of the fear surrounding CTB bc of how much I'd like to. Tired of wanting to. Tired of being a coward. Tired of how desolate life can get over and over. Just... tired.

Currently physically sick. Not sure with what or why. My throat hurts & nose dripping/stuffy. Not much energy and Not much of an appetite. Probs some other symptoms I'm missing rn.


Honestly sometimes as a human & still "young" ig I wish my family didn't suck/is abusive. Being cared for & loved unconditionally must be amazing. I'll never experienced that though. A comment my Mom made to my Dad recently tells me enough that... well and my whole life experience. My Dad is the only one that loves me and barly. Im not up for glossing over that kinda hurt anymore.


Im tired. Burnt out. But either keep going or drown. I'm drowning anyway.


I just want this life to end. I never know or think I can actually maneuver a method. So it might be time to analyze & get through that. I dunno. Im suffering and sick of it. Can put in all the effort and it barly matters bc I'm burnt the fuck out. I don't want to try anymore. Or have to try so hard for the bare minimum.

I'm envious of those that have found the way & method to leave this earth. Ik that's horrible & I'm not minimizing their own pains that let them there. I just want to be able to CTB. I need to at this point.


Just tired.

 

[Enlighten]

Im just tired of pretty much everything. Tired of the fear surrounding CTB bc of how much I'd like to. Tired of wanting to. Tired of being a coward. Tired of how desolate life can get over and over. Just... tired.

Currently physically sick. Not sure with what or why. My throat hurts & nose dripping/stuffy. Not much energy and Not much of an appetite. Probs some other symptoms I'm missing rn.


Honestly sometimes as a human & still "young" ig I wish my family didn't suck/is abusive. Being cared for & loved unconditionally must be amazing. I'll never experienced that though. A comment my Mom made to my Dad recently tells me enough that... well and my whole life experience. My Dad is the only one that loves me and barly. Im not up for glossing over that kinda hurt anymore.


Im tired. Burnt out. But either keep going or drown. I'm drowning anyway.


I just want this life to end. I never know or think I can actually maneuver a method. So it might be time to analyze & get through that. I dunno. Im suffering and sick of it. Can put in all the effort and it barly matters bc I'm burnt the fuck out. I don't want to try anymore. Or have to try so hard for the bare minimum.

I'm envious of those that have found the way & method to leave this earth. Ik that's horrible & I'm not minimizing their own pains that let them there. I just want to be able to CTB. I need to at this point.


Just tired.

You are not a coward. I'm sorry you've been dealt a bad hand with your family.
I care for you and i love you.
Would you like to talk about it?

 

[FuneralCry]

I also envy those people who have a method all planned out, it's just so dreadful how it's so difficult to die, people shouldn't have to struggle so much to cease existing when they are already tired enough.

 

[Busridin'26]

Im just tired of pretty much everything. Tired of the fear surrounding CTB bc of how much I'd like to. Tired of wanting to. Tired of being a coward. Tired of how desolate life can get over and over. Just... tired.

Currently physically sick. Not sure with what or why. My throat hurts & nose dripping/stuffy. Not much energy and Not much of an appetite. Probs some other symptoms I'm missing rn.


Honestly sometimes as a human & still "young" ig I wish my family didn't suck/is abusive. Being cared for & loved unconditionally must be amazing. I'll never experienced that though. A comment my Mom made to my Dad recently tells me enough that... well and my whole life experience. My Dad is the only one that loves me and barly. Im not up for glossing over that kinda hurt anymore.


Im tired. Burnt out. But either keep going or drown. I'm drowning anyway.


I just want this life to end. I never know or think I can actually maneuver a method. So it might be time to analyze & get through that. I dunno. Im suffering and sick of it. Can put in all the effort and it barly matters bc I'm burnt the fuck out. I don't want to try anymore. Or have to try so hard for the bare minimum.

I'm envious of those that have found the way & method to leave this earth. Ik that's horrible & I'm not minimizing their own pains that let them there. I just want to be able to CTB. I need to at this point.


Just tired.

Using this thread to expand upon my thoughts and alla dat.


My mom always acted like my Dad owed her money for taking care of me. She said 2 weeks ago something along the lines of "It's been 14 yrs and they're still like this" referring to my mental health and such. Which most issues she caused but she can't acknowledge that. So aside from that she's just completely disregarding ny other experiences like sexual assault. Which pretty sure she doesn't believe me or care. What hurts most is she validates my brothers struggles and even his anxiety so I don't understand why I'm hated so much.

I knew my mother hated me but yeah... thats how everyone in my family views me. Had to beg/breakdown for my Dad to start attempting to help me out with things.

Barly messaged me and no calls last 2 days even tho I told him to a degree how I am feeling. He's suppsed to come this weekend but ik with him he won't say if he's not until the last moment so doubt he's coming and honestly? That's fine.

I don't care that much anymore/ would rather just spend this weekend alone, sleeping and barly eating. I don't feel like connecting much anymore. Yeah theres some great people in this world and all but I'm just tired. It hurts to have grown up like that and I'm not over it just bc I've been shown otherwise. It doesn't feel real. I dunno.

I just wasnt meant to live anyway so truthfully I just wanna end this asap. I wonder how I'll be able to... gotta get it together and attempt smthin. Lately partial hanging has been on my mind? But im always circling through methods mentally but barly making any progress towards em.


Ugh my throat hurts so much and my nose is starting to get stuffed again. Not having the mental or physical energy to take care of myself rn is an understatement. But as always I'll be "ok". I don't really have much choice. I think I'm really sinking into a dark place honestly.

Feeling less and less attached to life. I dunno. This whole week I've felt like such a failure.