Venting I’m so goddamn tired.

[mehdone]

I'm so goddamn tired. I've been wanting to ctb for 2.5+ decades.

It's not my time to ctb yet. I need to make sure that my loved ones are taken care of as much as possible and away from me.

But goddamn, dude, I'm so fucking tired. I wake up every morning mad that I woke up.

I'm tired of the fucking struggle.

Life & I have never been friends.

When it is time to finally ctb, I'm struggling with determining methods.

I sure as hell don't want to wake up again getting my stomach pumped, or with nerve damage in my hands from going after arteries.

I sure as hell don't want to end up spending time in a psych ward again.

When it is time, I want it to be final.

As I said, it's not my time right now.

But when it is, I'm struggling with determining the best methods. I say methods because it won't only be one- I want a backup, and a backup for my backup.

I'm thinking firearm as my main ctb. I'm thinking taking SN prior as a secondary means. I'm thinking perching myself over something that will cause me to drop with hanging as a third ctb failsafe.

When combined together, one of them has to work, right? I'm struggling with finding a US SN source- if you have one, please pm me. Apparently that stuff got a lot harder to buy since news reports started talking about it.

N2 gas is another possibility, it sounds pretty peaceful- but I'm not sure how many other methods I could combine it with.

 

[WAITING TO DIE]

Been struggling with clinical depression since aged 7.
It's been going on now for way too long now, and I have no fight left in me.
I've agonised over methods since childhood and tried to ctb by overdose and hanging, yet obviously failed.
I've finally decided on jumping because I can't back out once I go over the edge, and a fall of 530 feet is a pretty much guaranteed and rapid death when I finally travel to beachy head.
Sorry you are going through this.

 

[mehdone]

I've thought about jumping in the past. Didn't use it when I had easier access to tall buildings, although, we do have some pretty tall bridges not too far away.

Most of those bastards have multiple barriers though- bent bars, nets, etc.

But, not all.

 

[FuneralCry]

It's really understandable feeling so tired of suffering in this existence, I wish that it's much more straightforward to finally cease existing, it certainly would be so relieving if the option to easily die in peace is there. But anyway best wishes.