Venting I’m so fucking pathetic

[metasticmind]

these past few years have been extremely rough. my partner and i went through many traumatic events and i struggled more than her (at least it seems so outwardly). i hate to admit it but i lost control, i was such a massive wreck and she comforted me all the time. i flunked classes in uni and had to retake them, delaying my graduation. she expressed to me just how much of a toll my mental health issues was putting on her, but money was by far our biggest issue so i thought at the time that i needed to just power through uni and work until i could get to a financially stable enough place to get therapy and we could talk. we broke up before that ever happened, and it was all my fault. when she broke up with me i lost it because i had given up a ton to be with her and made myself super vulnerable, and she just proved all my worst fears true. i got drunk and let out all the ugliest thoughts within me, things that you might feel but know never to say. there were honestly reasons behind all of them but being drunk i did not phrase any of it right and she rightfully got so hurt that she cut me off. i'm such a piece of shit. i can't move on from her, she was the only person who had ever loved me and i loved her to death, flaws and all. i've tried so desperately these past few months to make things right but i keep fucking up. i don't know what's wrong with me. i think i'm close to ending it, i'm not joking when i say that i have nothing to live for at all. i'm too traumatised and disabled to function normally and i don't even have a family to fight for. i'm so sick of myself, i'm so fucking disgusting

 

[KillingPain267]

It's like you're describing my life the last 5 months. Unfortunately, it does NOT get better. I am not over her, like AT ALL. I could cope the first 2 months with drugs and drinks, but then became sick from it and my parents found out I was drinking. I stopped it all, and now the mental pain is coursing straight through my veins every waking moment. It feels like my brain wants to explode. Well, I FUCKING WISH IT DID ALREADY!!!