Heaven.in.your.Head
New Member
- Apr 30, 2024
- 2
I'm a transwoman, ive never truly been happy, im riddled with dysphoria and i had no life and i never talked to people. Especially online, until the beginnning of January 2023, i had found a video game community on twitter that i love and am loved in. I got to be a woman that i wasnt allowed to be irl, and i was so happy to have people who like and want to talk to me. I had a best friend even, and there was a girl i was starting to like, she was everything to me i was head over heels for her and i cant tell if ive got myself right side up yet after our break up 6 months ago. To get it straight, i was 20, she was 16, a 4 year age gap which i had convinced myself would be fine. After playing so many games with her and chatting with her constantly i became so enamored with her that at the end of July in 2023 she was venting to me about how noone loved her yet and she thinks noone ever will, to which i responded with "well I'm here and im in love with you" and she was saying that we probs shouldnt be together, but at 11pm she and i got together, and she went straight into doing esex and it made my heart skip so many beats, i knew i was in love with her, her beauty, her personality, her interests, her style, her heart, her mind every single thing i loved about her. I was so happy with life so happy with everything to be with her and i wouldve done anything at all for her. I played video games with her, vced with her everyday, i loved making her laugh and i loved hearing her voice.
After a month i noticed that she was cagey and cold to me, meanwhile acting like it was totally okay and normal for her to be that way, id always ask if something was wrong and shed blow it off constantly. We would make promises, and we promised to never ignore messages, to which i found out that she ignored most of my messages until she felt like talking. She would often threaten suicide, took a selfie with a gun and sent it to me, made me panic, but i think thats a part of whatever sickness she has, and i accepted that and never loved her less. One time i asked her why didnt she say i love you back any more when we are about to leave call or any other time, or why is she so distant, and why doesnt she talk about her problems anymore, and then she put a song in her bio, and i asked about it, to which she said itd mean a lot if i listened to it. It was Blonde Hair Black Lungs, and ill never forget the feelings that had rushed through me through the entire song, she was implying that shes going to commit suicide, then made me feel guilty for being upset about how she's been, saying sorry that she cant be enough. After i pleaded a bit she offered to do a lover's suicide, and she was trying to convince me to by saying we can be together in the afterlife with the bodies we want. She said she was going, with or without me, and it took me sending a voice message crying to get her to stop. Later on she admitted that she was just trying to get me to kill myself and that she was going to stay alive. A few days after this incident was her birthday, her instagram note said "They dont know that they were my birthday wish" which i asked her about and she said well it wont come true if i tell you, then i asked if it was Oliver, someone she crushed on before we got together, to which she said know (after the break up she admitted yes).
Eventually the coldness became so unbearable i told her i could lie about my age online so that we could be public, but apparently the real reason why we're private is because she doesnt want anyone knowing her personal life, which is bullshit i smelt the moment she said it. She had her previous girlfriend in her bio before they broke up after a week, and she is so romantically needy online that it makes it seem that she doesnt have a relationship and is thirsting for it, which i convinced mself she was just trying to keep up her character of how she was before our relationship but eventually i couldnt take it and i gave an ultimatum, either we go public with our relationship, or we break up, to which she said dont and then didnt respond for the next 3 hours, which was the time limit so then i annouced it online. She then gave me the song lyrics of Death Wish by Teen Suicide and didnt talk to me for a week, when she returned she started telling me how she really felt, like when i showed her all the drawings i made of her in the past week she told me they were ugly, when i showed a selfie i took in girl mode she said i looked ugly, among other things. To which i realized this is not a relationship that will work out, and the breakup is posted in the files, these are long lost names of ours that barely anyone know us by anymore so it doesnt really matter if i show them i dont think.
My ex best friend then revealed to everyone shortly after that i had been dating a minor, but left out any wrong doings that my ex had done, completely shifting everyones view of me to a groomer, which TO BE HONEST I COULDNT GRROM THAT GIRL IF I WANTED TO okay? and for the record, im sure its obvious by how i am now and how our relationship went that i wasnt trying to groom her, at least i hope. Anyways my friend Ada was the only one there for me, comforted me and tried her best to keep me here, at some point like 2 weeks after she admitted she was in love with me, and i said we could try to have a relationship. 6 months later and she is completely obsessed with me, and im trying so hard to love only her, i tried to convince my self i dont love my ex but i think, i think i do. And im scared that i love her more than my girlfriend, and I avoid tender romantic moments by joking around, something i doubt id do with my ex, i dont understand why im avoiding being romantic or why i did this to her in the first place i should have waited and waited and waited im so stupid. And she says that if i kill myself she'll kill herself, she has nothing else to live for, before we got together she wasnt able to speak vocally to anyone, im the only one she was able to speak to for awhile before i helped her also speak to other people, im her anchor, and to be honest knowing what she might do is the only reason i dont take my ex's advice. I want so badly to break up with her, so that she can find someone worthy, so that she can find someone that loves only her, but she would never let that happen.
Sometimes im friends with my ex, othertimes im not, when im not she berrates me and says how much she wishes she went through with watching me scatter my brains out with a gun, and when we're friends shes just cold usually, only being nice when we vc. I dont know what to do im so unmotivated to continue life i feel like it ended right there in the breakup and im just prolonging the gift to my ex that is me ending my life with her getting to be in the call idk what to do anymore.
After a month i noticed that she was cagey and cold to me, meanwhile acting like it was totally okay and normal for her to be that way, id always ask if something was wrong and shed blow it off constantly. We would make promises, and we promised to never ignore messages, to which i found out that she ignored most of my messages until she felt like talking. She would often threaten suicide, took a selfie with a gun and sent it to me, made me panic, but i think thats a part of whatever sickness she has, and i accepted that and never loved her less. One time i asked her why didnt she say i love you back any more when we are about to leave call or any other time, or why is she so distant, and why doesnt she talk about her problems anymore, and then she put a song in her bio, and i asked about it, to which she said itd mean a lot if i listened to it. It was Blonde Hair Black Lungs, and ill never forget the feelings that had rushed through me through the entire song, she was implying that shes going to commit suicide, then made me feel guilty for being upset about how she's been, saying sorry that she cant be enough. After i pleaded a bit she offered to do a lover's suicide, and she was trying to convince me to by saying we can be together in the afterlife with the bodies we want. She said she was going, with or without me, and it took me sending a voice message crying to get her to stop. Later on she admitted that she was just trying to get me to kill myself and that she was going to stay alive. A few days after this incident was her birthday, her instagram note said "They dont know that they were my birthday wish" which i asked her about and she said well it wont come true if i tell you, then i asked if it was Oliver, someone she crushed on before we got together, to which she said know (after the break up she admitted yes).
Eventually the coldness became so unbearable i told her i could lie about my age online so that we could be public, but apparently the real reason why we're private is because she doesnt want anyone knowing her personal life, which is bullshit i smelt the moment she said it. She had her previous girlfriend in her bio before they broke up after a week, and she is so romantically needy online that it makes it seem that she doesnt have a relationship and is thirsting for it, which i convinced mself she was just trying to keep up her character of how she was before our relationship but eventually i couldnt take it and i gave an ultimatum, either we go public with our relationship, or we break up, to which she said dont and then didnt respond for the next 3 hours, which was the time limit so then i annouced it online. She then gave me the song lyrics of Death Wish by Teen Suicide and didnt talk to me for a week, when she returned she started telling me how she really felt, like when i showed her all the drawings i made of her in the past week she told me they were ugly, when i showed a selfie i took in girl mode she said i looked ugly, among other things. To which i realized this is not a relationship that will work out, and the breakup is posted in the files, these are long lost names of ours that barely anyone know us by anymore so it doesnt really matter if i show them i dont think.
My ex best friend then revealed to everyone shortly after that i had been dating a minor, but left out any wrong doings that my ex had done, completely shifting everyones view of me to a groomer, which TO BE HONEST I COULDNT GRROM THAT GIRL IF I WANTED TO okay? and for the record, im sure its obvious by how i am now and how our relationship went that i wasnt trying to groom her, at least i hope. Anyways my friend Ada was the only one there for me, comforted me and tried her best to keep me here, at some point like 2 weeks after she admitted she was in love with me, and i said we could try to have a relationship. 6 months later and she is completely obsessed with me, and im trying so hard to love only her, i tried to convince my self i dont love my ex but i think, i think i do. And im scared that i love her more than my girlfriend, and I avoid tender romantic moments by joking around, something i doubt id do with my ex, i dont understand why im avoiding being romantic or why i did this to her in the first place i should have waited and waited and waited im so stupid. And she says that if i kill myself she'll kill herself, she has nothing else to live for, before we got together she wasnt able to speak vocally to anyone, im the only one she was able to speak to for awhile before i helped her also speak to other people, im her anchor, and to be honest knowing what she might do is the only reason i dont take my ex's advice. I want so badly to break up with her, so that she can find someone worthy, so that she can find someone that loves only her, but she would never let that happen.
Sometimes im friends with my ex, othertimes im not, when im not she berrates me and says how much she wishes she went through with watching me scatter my brains out with a gun, and when we're friends shes just cold usually, only being nice when we vc. I dont know what to do im so unmotivated to continue life i feel like it ended right there in the breakup and im just prolonging the gift to my ex that is me ending my life with her getting to be in the call idk what to do anymore.
