I don't know how accepting this site is, but I'm a trans man. I'm sorry if me being here upsets anyone. But I need help, I think. I haven't had contact with my therapist for half a year now and I don't have enough privacy to do so via phone sessions.
I had my court date to get my name legally changed today. It was accepted. There's no legal reasons why it wouldn't be. I feel nothing about it. I should be happy, or something.
I've been hospitalized before for attempting. Twice. Both times were very traumatizing for reasons I don't feel like going into right now. I never want to go back, no matter how bad things get.
I want to die, I think. I don't know how else to put it. But I don't think I will ever be able to actually ctb. But I don't see any other option. My mind is full of ''buts.''
I'm becoming less and less scared of dying, and from the moment I wake up to the time I fall asleep, I'm thinking about how useless my life is and how little I have to live for.
The only thing I know of that's keeping me is my Mom, and that I'm able to transition. I've been on T for almost 8 months. She's starting to call me my preffered/now legal name. She uses he/him sometimes, if I'm in the room.
I know, right now at least, I wouldn't be able to ctb until after my mom passes. There's no way around it. I can not bare the idea of leaving her in debt because I just wanted to die. She already lost her other son.
Self harm does nothing for me.
Drinking does nothing.
Drugs do nothing.
I've only had 3 irl friends. All of them have abandoned me. I've had two relationships. My most recent one was very traumatic and probably has a very important role in my emotional state right now. I have 2 online friends right now, who I'm lucky to get a single message from during the day.
The world does not revolve around me. I understand that. I will never be upset at someone for not wanting to or being able to talk to me. But I'm tired of being left alone. I'm tired of being alone. That's why I'm here.
I'm told I'm a very talented artist, and I'm in college for graphic design, but I'm miserable. Drawing is emotionally exhausting. I take 8+ hours on a sketch alone because of my OCD, just for absolutely nothing. I'm not experienced enough to do this as a job. And I really don't want to.
I want to be a Geologist. I love science. I love rocks. But I will never be able to afford studying it, and I can not do basic math.
My life just feels meaningless. My only skill is drawing. That's it. That's all I have.
This is a call for help. I don't want to hurt my Mom. I can't die yet. But I don't see my life going anywhere or having any meaning.
I don't know where I'm going with this post and I'm sorry this is so long. I just tried to let it all out while being as vague as possible. I'm sorry. Thank you if anyone reads this.
I had my court date to get my name legally changed today. It was accepted. There's no legal reasons why it wouldn't be. I feel nothing about it. I should be happy, or something.
I've been hospitalized before for attempting. Twice. Both times were very traumatizing for reasons I don't feel like going into right now. I never want to go back, no matter how bad things get.
I want to die, I think. I don't know how else to put it. But I don't think I will ever be able to actually ctb. But I don't see any other option. My mind is full of ''buts.''
I'm becoming less and less scared of dying, and from the moment I wake up to the time I fall asleep, I'm thinking about how useless my life is and how little I have to live for.
The only thing I know of that's keeping me is my Mom, and that I'm able to transition. I've been on T for almost 8 months. She's starting to call me my preffered/now legal name. She uses he/him sometimes, if I'm in the room.
I know, right now at least, I wouldn't be able to ctb until after my mom passes. There's no way around it. I can not bare the idea of leaving her in debt because I just wanted to die. She already lost her other son.
Self harm does nothing for me.
Drinking does nothing.
Drugs do nothing.
I've only had 3 irl friends. All of them have abandoned me. I've had two relationships. My most recent one was very traumatic and probably has a very important role in my emotional state right now. I have 2 online friends right now, who I'm lucky to get a single message from during the day.
The world does not revolve around me. I understand that. I will never be upset at someone for not wanting to or being able to talk to me. But I'm tired of being left alone. I'm tired of being alone. That's why I'm here.
I'm told I'm a very talented artist, and I'm in college for graphic design, but I'm miserable. Drawing is emotionally exhausting. I take 8+ hours on a sketch alone because of my OCD, just for absolutely nothing. I'm not experienced enough to do this as a job. And I really don't want to.
I want to be a Geologist. I love science. I love rocks. But I will never be able to afford studying it, and I can not do basic math.
My life just feels meaningless. My only skill is drawing. That's it. That's all I have.
This is a call for help. I don't want to hurt my Mom. I can't die yet. But I don't see my life going anywhere or having any meaning.
I don't know where I'm going with this post and I'm sorry this is so long. I just tried to let it all out while being as vague as possible. I'm sorry. Thank you if anyone reads this.
