I'm scared pt 2

[NoOneLovesMiMi]

So I had trouble sleeping. I was woken by these weird stressful dreams.
So I got up and started cleaning the kitchen.
Getting rid of junk.
Thinking about ordering some boxes and packing bags so that my mom won't have much to pack up once I'm found.
She called me this morning and I did my best to not lead on .
She kept asking me about my job and I lied and said things were ok.
I kept trying to steer the conversation towards my niece.
I felt if I told her the truth she might actually worry about me.
She has so much going on with my sister and her mental illness and her kids...I don't wanna add to that.
I'm so confused why I'm crying so much.
I think maybe it's the fear of failing more than anything else.
I try to remind myself of everything I'll be really giving up when I attempt.
I'm trying to reach down and pull up that 12 year old that was fearless the first time I attempted suicide.
I still have much to do because after I cleaned the kitchen...did a little journal I made a big breakfast and fell asleep.
I woke up and began doom scrolling and my play uncle called me.
I didn't answer because I'm nervous that even though I'm not letting on my plans...I feel we do have a connection and maybe they still sense trouble.
I'd like to take that as a sign that this attempt will work.
Well guess I'll watch tv...make some more plans...see what else I can clean.
Till tomorrow pt 3

 

[Worndown]

You have a lot going on, internally and with family. Don't distance them too much or that may raise an alarm.
Keep doing what you are doing for a while. You will take the next step whenever you are ready. That courage will appear when most needed.

 

[NoOneLovesMiMi]

You have a lot going on, internally and with family. Don't distance them too much or that may raise an alarm.
Keep doing what you are doing for a while. You will take the next step whenever you are ready. That courage will appear when most needed.

Thankyou
I just called my uncle back because I don't want to set off any alarms.
He kept asking if I was ok.
It hurt to lie but I had too
Thankyou for your comfort
I need all I can until the day.
Thankyou