Venting I’m nothing resembling human

[attheend13]

I got divorced from an abuser after child protection services came into my home. I had to face the fact that my kids were deeply damaged from staying so long and I did face it. 5 years of hemorrhaging money, loneliness, constant stress and anxiety. My ex went on a public campaign against me and destroyed all my friendships, my professional reputation, and he got it all in our divorce. I got my girls out. Both my girls were suicidal I got them help I got them out. Now I'm in a new relationship and he's getting divorced. It's ugly and horrible.

Both my girls are now grown and decided not to live with me anymore. The second one had enough of me a week ago and went to my sisters. I have officially lost everything. I can't get work beyond part time, and my BFs ex is petitioning the court to have us thrown out of the apartment so she can have it. I will be homeless for the second time in my life. I was dropping off some stuff to my sisters and I could hear my daughter and my sister and her adult son laughing and joking. My heart is torn in two. I fought so hard and I lost it all. I'm a joke.

I cry every single day 10 times a day. I don't sleep. Instead i cry and beg not to have to get up again. I'm nothing. I made nothing of my life. I'm a literal embarrassment to my family. I can see people getting sick of me and what little friendships I had are disappearing. I literally contribute nothing to the world. I'm a failure, a joke.

The need to end things is so strong that I let my mind finally walk through a final day and for the first time in 5 years I felt peace. The end of all of it. No more failure no more shame, no more hopelessness. No more faking a life or a smile. No more being put into my place. No more being mocked and laughed at. The deep deep shame of what I am is a sentence I've been serving for a long time. I could feel a sense of peace and real comfort. I don't have to be this thing anymore.

My poor daughters. But they're happier away from me. My BF will be too in the end. My babies, I failed you. I held on for years because I thought I was doing the first good thing in my life. I thought i was a good mom. I failed my children. I failed myself. I'm an embarrassment to my family and a burden to everyone else. Breathing is torture. Living is torture. I can't even escape in sleep anymore. Life is pain. I want to die so badly and I can't figure out how to do it. I can't fail at an attempt. I can't. What was the point of any of it. I can't and won't fight anymore. I'm done talking about it I'm going to set a date and stop trying to fix it. My poor girls, I'm so sorry you ended up with me as a mom you deserved so so much more than whatever it is I am.

 

[FuneralCry]

I hope you find the peace from this torturous existence you search for, I wish you the best, to me personally it's cruel how it isn't just straightforward to die painlessly.

 

[attheend13]

I hope you find the peace from this torturous existence you search for, I wish you the best, to me personally it's cruel how it isn't just straightforward to die painlessly.

It's all based on some archaic idea about life being some gift. I can't listen to one more person tells me to live in the moment or be grateful for my life. Be me for 5 minutes and tell me to embrace life. Embracing life is like hugging a porcupine. It's a thousand needles piercing you at once. I keep thinking I live in the 30th floor I'm 5 seconds from relief what can't it be that simple?

 

[sodiumfog]

I can't even begin to imagine the depth of what you're going through. Your words speak to a kind of pain that feels all-consuming, and it's clear you've been fighting for a long time. Please know that even from a stranger's perspective, it's clear how much strength you've shown, and how deeply you care about your daughters. I can't offer any fixes, but I just wanted to acknowledge the enormity of what you've been through. You've survived so much, and even though it might not feel like it, your story matters.

 

[attheend13]

I can't even begin to imagine the depth of what you're going through. Your words speak to a kind of pain that feels all-consuming, and it's clear you've been fighting for a long time. Please know that even from a stranger's perspective, it's clear how much strength you've shown, and how deeply you care about your daughters. I can't offer any fixes, but I just wanted to acknowledge the enormity of what you've been through. You've survived so much, and even though it might not feel like it, your story matters.

Thank you so much for responding. I'm screaming into a void now, here at the end of hope. I've given up but there is some peace in knowing that in some way I was seen when I was here. I did fight for decades. Moved cities 8 times, reinvented myself, had the audacity of hope. I live my life by one principle: to leave every soul I encounter a little better when I meet them. I actively and consciously go through my days giving hope, help, money, support to every one who crosses my path. I thought if I gave every day of myself one day it would somehow come back around, in whatever form. It has made no difference in my life at all. I'm alone and no one can stand my crap including me. I know I gave it everything but you see, this is me at my best, my best self and it's nothing it's absolutely nothing. If I hadn't tried everything including toxic level positivity I wouldn't be able to be sure but I finally am. I wasn't meant to be here, and a lady always knows just when to leave.

 

[sodiumfog]

I understand you're at the end of hope, but please know that your pain is seen, and your life matters.

 

[kiki <3]

i have no words, my heart breaks for you. i am so sorry that you had endured so much.

this reminded me so much of my mom who had gone through the worst of the worst, and yet she fought until the day she passed away. i loved her dearly and i have no doubt you fought just as much.

i wish i could give you a long, tight hug. wishing you only peace.