Venting i'm not writing a suicide note

[meowpuppy]

i'm not writing a note i feel no need to explain myself, really, and i think finding a root cause, which is what a note is about, for all of this would be really hard, because my life is a special disaster of multiple intersecting, other lives. i'd have to write a suicide note of maybe 100 pages to explain it fully, and my parents aren't even that good at speaking english! i constantly have to explain basic concepts to both of them, and so there's no way me as a monolingual person can bridge that gap

besides, i feel like they don't really deserve to know. would i tell my exes about the fact i've chosen to end it all? no, not only because they don't deserve to be burdened with that knowledge, but because they don't deserve to know it anyway. it would also be such a hassle, and i've had thoughts about what my suicide note would be since i was.. 6.. gosh, my life is crazy. anyways, i've written all kinds of notes in my head but i know that when push comes to shove my parents won't understand them, they'll misinterpret them somehow. hell, even if i explicitly told them, "hey mom and dad, your son's actually a girl and she's been hiding it from you for years", i don't know if my mom will support me. i know my dad at least knows trans people exist, so i guess that's.. something? but they've always been generally sexist towards me and they've body shamed me for being feminine before so i don't think they'll understand.

 

[woofwag]

I'm glad you're not forcing yourself to explain your actions to anyone. You don't owe them that. I only wrote my notes out of love, and I think I'm the same as you where if I tried to explain it all it'd be hundreds of pages. As someone who is also trans, if you do get the desire to tell anyone (doesn't have to be your parents) that could be a good idea even if you don't intend on living any further. I'm still suicidal but I don't and never will regret transitioning. It certainly gave me hope in moments when I would have ctb in a panicked state and likely just caused more harm to myself than die anyway.

 

[meowpuppy]

I'm glad you're not forcing yourself to explain your actions to anyone. You don't owe them that. I only wrote my notes out of love, and I think I'm the same as you where if I tried to explain it all it'd be hundreds of pages. As someone who is also trans, if you do get the desire to tell anyone (doesn't have to be your parents) that could be a good idea even if you don't intend on living any further. I'm still suicidal but I don't and never will regret transitioning. It certainly gave me hope in moments when I would have ctb in a panicked state and likely just caused more harm to myself than die anyway.

yeah that's a big thing.. i don't love anybody and nobody loves me, so leaving notes for loved ones to read is about as alien to me as leaving notes for king tut to read.

 

[ihateittoo]

i also dont think i would write a suicide note. I've written so many in my life but it gets harder each time. I have no idea what I would want to say. I sort of hope that if i ctb my friends will find my sasu account so they could at least know why I did it. I doubt they have ever heard of this website though.

 

[50/50]

i also dont think i would write a suicide note. I've written so many in my life but it gets harder each time. I have no idea what I would want to say. I sort of hope that if i ctb my friends will find my sasu account so they could at least know why I did it. I doubt they have ever heard of this website though.

You could simply write your sasu name on the note if u want that

Also why do you want to ctb

 

[ihateittoo]

You could simply write your sasu name on the note if u want that

Also why do you want to ctb

ive thought abt it, but doesnt feel worth the hassle. i always like to have plans i can back out of and if i have a note that ties me to it. im a scardey cat lol

i wanna ctb because i really hate the way i look. ive been depressed for years and am bipolar, its just been a real rough time being alive and i wanna find some peace.

 

[50/50]

because i really hate the way i look

your face? is it things u can change?

 

[ihateittoo]

your face? is it things u can change?

no its the structure of my face thats bad. stuff ill never be able to change unless I had a lot of money

 

[TAW122]

Same here, and in other threads in the past on others' threads, my position is similar to yours, albeit with the additional reason of 'extra mental burden' (does not apply to everyone of course, as each individual is different) that I have to undertake when I write a note. Additionally, once I am gone, whatever happens is irrelevant to me as I would not be present to experience the aftermath of having died or so, let alone the survivors' reactions.

Also, I agree with you 100%, that even the reader may not fully understand the reasoning and it is just extra work for such little gains. I would (personally, speaking for myself of course) still have a goodbye thread for the SaSu community when my time comes.

 

[Dolphin(Ash)]

i'm not writing a note i feel no need to explain myself, really, and i think finding a root cause, which is what a note is about, for all of this would be really hard, because my life is a special disaster of multiple intersecting, other lives. i'd have to write a suicide note of maybe 100 pages to explain it fully, and my parents aren't even that good at speaking english! i constantly have to explain basic concepts to both of them, and so there's no way me as a monolingual person can bridge that gap

besides, i feel like they don't really deserve to know. would i tell my exes about the fact i've chosen to end it all? no, not only because they don't deserve to be burdened with that knowledge, but because they don't deserve to know it anyway. it would also be such a hassle, and i've had thoughts about what my suicide note would be since i was.. 6.. gosh, my life is crazy. anyways, i've written all kinds of notes in my head but i know that when push comes to shove my parents won't understand them, they'll misinterpret them somehow. hell, even if i explicitly told them, "hey mom and dad, your son's actually a girl and she's been hiding it from you for years", i don't know if my mom will support me. i know my dad at least knows trans people exist, so i guess that's.. something? but they've always been generally sexist towards me and they've body shamed me for being feminine before so i don't think they'll understand.

Hi! I am also trans (non binary) and have complications with my parents, and in all honesty I don't blame you at all and honestly you might be in the right in some ways, for one your parents might look negatively back on this day and blame themselves or you (bad for everyone).


Or just more to process, you don't have to feel the need to explain your person, you are an individual it's your right, I hope you find peace in this matter :) <3

 

[LastDayOnEarth]

I feel kinda similar, I might leave a short note to some childhood friends on their emails and thats it, dont wanna leave too many details

 

[100memoryleaks]

the only reason i'm writing a note is so that no one thinks i simply ran away or went missing. i think it's worse to live with uncertainty than to just face the facts right away.

 

[aspenjrojas]

I'm probably gonna write out all of my accounts and passwords to all my devices so that if they are interested and actually care about me, they can choose to look in my online journals and posts and whatever. Also I'm probably gonna leave my possessions accessible to my friends rather than my parents, because I honestly do not care for my parents at all anymore. But I doubt I'm gonna write a long note with any guilt, sadness, etc. They don't deserve that. I'll probably just write a short explanation.

 

[notthatclever]

I'm not writing a note.. I categorize people into two groups.. the wonder why people and the that figures people.. I mean I guess there is always a certain element of why anybody would do it.. but you know some parts of life are always wrapped in mystery.. and people have to learn to live with that.. but a wonder why person is somebody that has plenty of money and a nice job and family home and they off themselves anyways.. a that figures person is somebody that's struggled clearly to the outside world and had a lot of problems.. usually a that figures person screamed for help and nobody cared or came.. doctors knew full well they let them slip through the cracks everybody else does.. but they'll still pretend fake cry at a funeral for appearances.. I'm a bit of a that figures person but only the last decade.. and they did that to me.. so they on some level know all their gaslighting narcissistic crap and how it contributed.. I love my family but they can't be in my life and a big part of it is them playing Pollyanna victim to some insane life choices they made for themselves.. and their complete denial of how it's insanely effected my life.. their denial of their actual real life situation and reality is delusional often times.. and sure I can get back into my career field and make good money again and fix my financial situation they blew up no matter how hard I tried to stop them.. it's not even that.. it is.. but it isn't.. they messed with legal cases where I was raped and abused and hit by cars and then and then and then.. insane harassment at work.. it's really bad.. and what's worse is they still try to play victim and they have nowhere to go with that really.. especially how they lived their life.. and it's like talking to a wall.. trying to make them aware of how badly theyve fucked up for real.. they think if they just deny it and pretend it's not there it goes away and it just doesn't.. on some level some people expect me to keep fighting really hard because I always have.. on another I don't think anybody would be surprised.. questions as to what finally made me snap maybe.. I don't know when.. or even if but I do know the high chance of it is there.. I've attempted for real a few times.. really bad gruesome awful attempts.. one time I was almost dead and the cops found me and of course saved my life like fools.. I'd rather be dead than know the world now.. stay alive to watch an idiot like Trump screw up the country.. yay.. watch my family die out without a single clue to apologize to me. They're dying.. what's it matter now if they admit they fucked up.. watch people act like apes at work.. I'm almost convinced apes have a better larger brain than they do half the time.. anyways no note.. I left a will.. a nasty one.. in which nobody but my kid gets shit from me.. I'm dead so what do I care if a judge has to read that in court for.. I think my will might be a big clue as to why.. my ex husband sees that before I die and I can almost see and hear him scream and punch holes in the wall.. I still legally protect my family.. because they're so afraid of their own shadow they won't do it for themselves in any real way.. and most people don't realize how much they honestly need that.. they do get exploited a lot.. exploited and blackmailed.. I know because I'm one of them and I've spent years kicking peoples asses about just that.. but why they are is a bit their own damn fault.. doesn't make it right but it is their own damn fault.. and that's where we butt heads a lot of the time.. their denial of their part they played on any of that.. and then that's where we get into stupid fights and petty shit and the rest.. off to the races from there..

but you have to ask yourself.. and be real with yourself.. are you a wonder why person? Or are you a that figured a little person? With the knowledge that almost all suicides are bit of a mystery to everybody.. even to psychiatrists.. why would we do that? They're still scratching their head about a lot of it.. why would somebody stop fighting to stay alive..

As for me it's not entirely the reason but a good chunk of it is.. look how you behaved when I need somebody.. look how you behaved when I needed a friend or family.. when I already had life problems all of my own.. plenty of them.. and you didn't lighten the load or leave it alone you added to it..

And at what point are you held responsible for that because I don't see anybody else doing shit about some of your alls insane behavior..

At what point do you start to seriously suffer the consequences of your absurd behavior..


And a lot of it delusional in some bullshit holier than thou self Aggrandizing Parade of insanity..

And see I'm an MDD without psychosis even when I'm suicidal because I'm so aware..

Even suicidal I'm so aware they won't even consider me psychotic..

You're aware but we will still do nothing to help you out or call them out about any of it.. and a good chunk of it highly illegal.. it's not like I'm tattling on my sister about a broken lamp..

This is adult life and if they don't see a serious consequence one way or the other about some of the things they do.. it has serious effects on my life.. and it's just like you all for real aren't little kids anymore and I'm sorry you feel some type of way about that but it's not my problem.. and it for damn sure those insane feelings they don't get to factor in my life.. and how was or is that healthy for me mentally anyways. I have to treat grown ass women like they're little girls because of their feelings.. are you out your god damned mind..

They want cars and bank accounts and jobs like grown ass women but everything else they get to cop out.. are you insane..

So many people's parents should be mortified they brought what they did into this world.. at the very least despite how I may feel about them my parents didn't have to ashamed about me..

I stood my ground in the face of insane level adversity.. no matter what..

My sisters talk this big game that daddy went through so much to get where he is.. and by the looks of those two it was clearly all in vain..


And I've been through as much and did it as a woman.. which is ten times harder..

They can't handle me saying this to them.. it would crush them.. they would cry for days and days.. go right back to being victim of their own stupid shit..and I've done dealt with that my entire life I don't have time for that anymore..

I work in the higher regions of law.. as a paralegal.. for real.. I litigate myself.. I work in the nfl of law as a litigation paralegal.. and I can make great money if I want to.. but I have a back up career in manufacturing.. and I find myself drawn to that.. just so I don't have to talk to people.. I got my start and my work start in blue collar work.. that's what I did for years..

That's what I did to support myself and my sister.. and my family is blue collar through and through and my ex husband is and that's how we supported ourselves during our marriage.. and I'm real done with office politics. White collar office politics, it's not that I never got the joke.. they're just assholes..

Because when it comes to actual work.. I'm the dry one.. I'll work 70 hours a week and spend a good majority of that time actually working.. not that blue collar doesn't have politics or drama.. but I know how to steer clear of it usually..

And if they really want a problem they can take it up with my beast of an ex husband who likely outranks them anyways..

I digress.. if you are a that figured person.. and you hate the world and everybody half way knows that about you.. write the note if you want to pour salt into the wound.. if you want to make them even feel a percentage of the pain you feel.. write the note.. you're dead so their reaction won't matter anyways..

If you're a that figured person and you're not angry you struggled some type of way for a long time.. and you don't want to hurt others.. maybe wrote a goodbye it's was all too hard on the bed type of note.. nobody said a note had to be 100 pages.. especially if you're not particularly angry at any one person or thing.. it really was just you and your shit.. and that's valid.. before everybody blew my life up.. I was more in that direction.. suicidal a little but I wasn't angry at any one person or thing too bad.. life was just super fucking me up.. I had a really bad pregnancy.. and most of my family problems at that time were mild especially compared to now.. it was just stupid petty family crap.. they did some crazy shit to me and compounded a bad problem into a nightmare they can't fathom anymore.. they wish I was an Everest to climb.. I wasn't exactly a mole hill.. anymore.. I was a bit of a mountain made by life.. but they definitely turned me into a monster of a mountain..

Anyways.. you can say goodbye if you're not exactly angry at anybody..

Or if you are and it takes 100 pages.. maybe no note is better.. leave them hanging..

If you're a wonder why person.. they're so pretty and so rich and they have everything and blah blah. And look at the happy family photos.. I don't know.. it's one or the other.. because I feel like a person like that would have a lot of fuck you's coming at a lot of people..

So it's a matter of you want to make them hurt or not.. and you have to be real with yourself.. are your fuck you's valid and justified and plenty are.. or are you just being self righteous.. like the current guy I've been dating.. he's a fuck you person but he's super self righteous.. he has no real place to feel that way.. he's the ultimate dickhead but I mean I doubt he's suicidal he's too full of himself and too self absorbed..

He's not aware he's a dickhead no matter how many times everybody around him tells him he is..

Which is baffling.. he's super unaware everybody hates him even though everybody tells him they do all the time or implies it.. it's delusional but it is a type of confidence.. not a good one.. but it does help him get through the world to a degree.. but the negative effects of that always bite him in the ass.. because he never backs off it.. he's never learned when to take the foot off the gas..

Like I've been telling him for awhile I don't love him.. he's in complete deluded denial about it.. either he's stupid or deluded..

Anyways.. if you're not angry and you're a wonder why person and you tell everybody goodbye some type of way.. you will slaughter your family alright.. they will cry for years to come..

Or even worse.. no note at all and they really reel with it..

I've had many family members commit suicide.. usually gunshot.. they shoot themselves in the head.. a few OD.. so I've already been through it all as to notes and blah blah blah..

I guess it depends on if you really love your friends and family still and whether or not they see it coming..

And how you want to make them feel about that when or if you finally decide to end it..

As for me.. I don't care how anybody feels about mine..

Not a single last person.. I don't give a shit how anybody feels.. if they wanted me to consider their feelings, they'd have behaved much differently..

It's time for a lot of people to realize how little at all they actually matter in my life especially in any legal way..

And the doctors are a joke.. they hold me for a week tops and usually sign me out to myself within 24 hours of being admitted..

There isn't shit anybody can do..

And they actually can't hold people on a what if..

Everybody is powerless.. and they have to accept they are and move on with their life..

Anyways my will is my will but there is a bit of a note in there to a few..

But no I'm not leaving some note for the cops to read..

Just leave the cops my lawyers information to contact..

You ever see that scene in Sopranos.. the jury members with Junior Sopranos trial.. and the family puts the squeeze on one jury member and stalls the voting and trial and he gets off..

And they're all leaving jury duty and he tried to say goodbye to other people and congratulate them on upcoming life events.. and one person looks at him after all he put them and society through..

and why would I want to think about you on that day..

That's how I feel about cops reading a suicide note..

Cops and doctors.. what the fuck made them think they deserve an answer..

Not like they ever gave me hardly any..

And all my family and former friends and anybody short of my kid gets is my contempt..

They failed to realize how human beings actually work..

Because I don't have some drug or alcohol problem.. my being married didn't make me codependent.. I was married..

I was always paid my bills on time for years and all the rest.. and that's doesn't just poof magically go away..

So there wasn't some insane issue I suffered from like that..

There wasn't anything major for me to realize.. in that way..

So when you dance around trying to make me realize things I was instilled with from birth.. it's comical.. it's deluded..

It's like living in the twilight zone..

I don't commit some insane crimes.. there was absolutely nothing to for real make me "see the light".. they just played it that way..

And that is a sure fire way to piss somebody the fuuuuuck off..

Little did they know I already had told a clinical psychologist well before they screwed me completely over about a good chunk of their shit.. she already had their number..


She really nailed my bitch of a mom.. and is that bitch fucking crazy..


It's baffling.. she will display every single last major insane red flag and people just fly right on by them.. it's insane to watch..

Man.. you must be so fucked up to look past the level of some of my families red flag shit and do it just for a free dime bag.. you must be out your damn mind with addiction problems..

Talk about rationalizing to get what you want to a literal insane degree..

But my family made the classic mistake especially my sisters of thinking anybody but family would actually protect them..


I'm the only person that can protect them and I call all the shots there baby..

And they have no way around me about that..

What's worse.. is I have to coach lawyers.. because I am actually just merely protecting them I want no control of their real daily lives at all.. but they will play it that way..

I've been in law well enough to know there is no actual controlling anybody else.. that's a myth we all tell ourselves..

All I can do is protect them from the outside world some and hope for the best..

A lot of people don't realize a lot of people end up in criminal court either because they couldn't let go of their control issues of others or they lacked control of themselves completely..


Sometimes both.. control and trying to have power over money or others is usually why people end up in there..

And that's a breakthrough I'd imagine most therapists never see out of a lot of clients.. not that everybody is that deeply pathological but a lot of people suffer at lower ends of that spectrum..

They never let go of the fact that the only person they can actually control is themselves..

And you'll see the glamorized movie version of some overbearing mother that micromanages everybody to death and it's made of be cute instead of the insane annoyance it really is..


Like my dad.. he's in a nursing home with some major health problems.. I'm just trying to protect from an outside source exploiting that about him.. but if he has another stroke and he has a DNR on his chart.. I'm not trying to save him from that.. that's his choice.. and it's a fall either way there.. you DNR and probable death.. you fall into death and out of life. That's a fall.. a natural fall.. and it's normal.. or you don't DNR and you hang onto life.. that's a fall because at his rate that's a painful grasp to life..

But that's all his choice.. he's lived long enough to know what he wants out of life.. at least the rest of it.. I figure as long as he's not suffering dementia or something he's entitled to make that decision..

And I hope for him that he doesn't suffer anymore pain.. and when he does go it's when he feels done and he just goes in his sleep..

Regardless.. I don't need outsiders that don't know me or my family coming in and acting a fool.. because that's all any of it would reduce them to..

But if my Dad felt great and wanted to go out and wheelchair around the town.. I don't care.. do what he wants..

People are far too eager to make a prison of somebody else's life because they feel petty..

Says a whole lot about them..

Anyways at my stage of MDD and the rest.. you ever see that show apple cider vinegar.. the Lucy person.. she goes through things to help her and others try to make accept what could happen..

Not exactly inevitable but the high chance is there..

She had cancer in the show.. I just don't see why we should be made to feel or treated any different with some of the diagnostics we get ran through..


As if death wasn't a major reality for a lot of mental health shit..

Clearly it is..

At the end of the day.. just ask yourself and be real in your answer about who you are to everybody else..

Will they wonder why and claw at their own brains to figure it out.. or will they halfway know on some level already..

And you have to ask yourself how much you care about that..

Because they'll all always want a note explaining anything.. something.. telling yourself anything else is a fools errand..

The note is about if you care for them to know..

Because no matter how much of a that figures person you are.. there will always be an element of why the hell did they give up..


Probably because they can't imagine that level of mental pain weighing on your brain..

You're drowning in the drought of your own brain.. lost in the storm of your own mind.. and there is no search party..

And they can read the words and understand what that means cognitively.. but they'll never understand it.. not really..

On the bright side for me at least.. suicide usually fucks everybody up in the head pretty nicely and then my former friend and family can have an idea of even an ounce of my pain..

I'm fine with having a little shred of ego left in it.. after all they said and did..


I'm more than comfortable knowing they'll claw at their brains..


Not like anybody cared when I clawed at mine..

They're all power and image and money obsessed.. and my death will be something they can't control.. and it will drive them insane..

Something they have no power over.. something they can't control with money.. something they can't hide behind their image about..

And that will drive them insane..

They never got.. all the money and power and control in the world will ever stop me being suicidal..


And since they didn't want to stop.. neither do I..

A lot of it is science.. every action has an opposite equally powerful reaction..


And in the end you might as well scream
To a wall when somebody dies..

When my Mon does.. I was upset for a few weeks.. and then it just hits you.. how I feel about a dead person doesn't matter.. especially a dead person that didn't even bother to say bye to me..

Didn't bother to say bye to me but had the audacity to put me in her obituary and my kid.. took that off.. took our names off and never looked back..

And once you take it that far.. once your family takes it that far.. there is no coming back from that..

Mostly I'm just dealing with them having trouble accepting the fact they did all and what they did and they have to accept that they can't come back..

Nobody affiliated or associated with them are allowed back..

The only person I'd speak to is if my Dad wanted to say goodbye.. before he dies.. that's the only thing I'd tolerate out of them..

And outsiders don't get that you know.. my mom died the way she did.. my dad is dying the way he is.. my sisters are two idiot fuck ups that I have no idea what they'll do without mom and dad..

No concept of reality or how awful the world at large actually is..


No idea that they actually can't trust the world or other people. That other people are awful and the world is an awful horrible evil place..

People will always project their shit in to you like it's your problem.. people will always use you.. people will always hurt you .. they will always project their agenda..

There is nothing god about the world and what is good about it is all a mirage.. it's all fake..

Love and happiness and kindness.. as if they weren't all ate alive in agenda..


It's all an illusion..

Nothing about life is real except pain..
And tragedy..

That's all you can for sure expect out of life..

Pain, hardship. Petty people.. agendas..


Even the doctors.. they only keep you alive out of agenda. Not like they care about you being alive for real..

It's to cover their own ass and the liability..

They don't care if we off ourselves.. not really..

The people that might actually care is our family and some friends.. and even that's a crap shoot..

And it's too late for mine to care now.. you can't not care to the degree everybody has for a decade and then try to jump back in..


Even doctors would tell them they're crazy for trying that one..

They'll get shot down in court every time..

I spent a decade making sure that it's well documented that the only person that had my best interests in mind was myself even when I was suicidal..

Even suicidal I made better choices for myself than of those around me.. and there is no way out of that legally..

No I took all their legal legs out from everybody really..

Nobody can show they're an actual support system to me..

Because everybody in my life now or before.. their crazy is so crazy a court can't let them be in charge of anything..

Everybody is powerless.. new people don't get they'd have to establish a set pattern of healthy healthy support system behaviors for years and years to get anywhere with me legally..


And that's just not happening..

And I'm for god damn sure not signing a fucking thing over to a single motherfucker..


They lost their damn minds..

That's how fucked up my family and the rest is.. they're so crazy.. and have been so crazy and behaved so insane.. that even when I'm suicidal a court would have to rule me as the only one being halfway sane..


That's how fucked up in the head they are..


That's how abusive and insane and absurd they all act..

Honestly.. things have lightened up in ways since my moms death.. I'm glad she's dead..

She really was a wolf in sheep's clothing.. she was a truly awful mom and human being..

I digress..


See what even talking about a note will bring out of you..

For real.. if you really get into what's making you tick..

As for me.. I got my will.. I got my fuck you's inside my will.. and I'm happy with that..


I have some finishing touches and the rest in it.. but essentially I literally and legally fucked everybody out of everything about me except my son.. and that's my son under strict lawyer advice..


And I mean my will is one hell of a nasty fuck you to everybody I leave behind..


I don't know.. maybe in ten years life will be different if I make it that long and I'll feel different..


But today is not that day nor is the near future..


It's funny to watch them all behave and act like they're not on borrowed time. Especially with me..


I'm not snapping them all the way out of their shit.. let them keep running their insane stupid shit up.. and let them suffer the consequences if they don't back and fuck off..

Eventually they're all going to learn..


Anyways.. yeah.. like probably a majority of people here.. my family and friends and the rest fucked me 100 way to Sunday..

And that's what I'm doing if or when I do it..

They can all take it up with my fucking lawyer..

Who is not nice.. they are but not to them..

As far as Doctors or cops or any of the rest of it goes..


For all they ever had to say to me in a puddle of tears about insane abuse.. and they could only muster up my resume.. which my resume is real and already very nice..


Not sure why they need answers or why they think I'd want to think about them on that day..


Don't even get me started on how cops failed me..

They can scrape up my dead body and that's all they get from me..

If we're all suicidal for real.. and I am for sure most days and I'm fairly certain a lot of you are.. how are we all not there..

Just ask yourself who you'd want to think about on your last day..


And if not any cop or doctor or therapist., just a family member or friend or two.. give your shit to a lawyer..

Seems to me like they've always wanted their head half way in the sand about it all anyways.. why help them out even more..

To be some factor in a statistic they clink wine glasses to at some doctor cocktail party for their latest study.. because that's all we are is just another tally mark..

All we are is just another statistic to them and it's insane of them to pretend to act like we don't know that..

They can all eat my ass..

That's about all I'd leave for them in a note..

Sorry for the tldr..

I'm deep in a depressive spell.. I'm in that MDD place where I'm too depressed to kill myself..

And I hate my dickhead insensitive prick of a "boyfriend".. I mean he's such a fucking ass hole.. he's so insufferable and what's worse is he's unaware of it even after everybody makes him aware of it..


I mean I really hate him.. like I for real hate him.. he's such a selfish fucking asshole..

And from what's I've gathered about him seems to be a lifelong problem of which he has suffered from his entire life and seems to be a lot of the root cause as to why his life turned out the way it has..

I refuse to meet his family..

He'd have to start performing near miracle changes in his behavior and the rest..

He thinks he's special but he's already cheated on me .. has his exes harassing me.. and it's like you are so far from special it's not funny..

You're a piece of total shit and the fact you don't get that and you act like one is baffling..

I just wish he would accept he's Florida man white trash already., so he can either accept he's is and stop trying so hard or try to make changes..

But he wants me to meet his family and over my dead body.. hell no..

If they're anything like him why would I want be around multiples of his crazy ass.. one is enough..

I already have my own crazy family thanks..

And he can bet his ass my family fucking hates him..


He's in a world of shit there..

God damn I really truly hate everybody.. and it's so insane to see how genuinely fucking retarded people are..