I'm not sure

[Scacie]

As of 10 minutes ago, everyone in the house left except myself. I'll have 3-4hrs by myself, enough to perform the Stat dose. I have everything set up right Infront me me, and if I opened the sealed IC packet, its over. I have an empty stomach from an lunch, and I can wait another hour or two, before I drink the SN.
I could be ready to go right here right now. But it happened too early. I only knew they were going out about 5 minutes beforehand. I have been thinking of this for so long, and this time an opportunity landed on my hands, but I still am not exactly ready. Sure, ill just be drinking something then ill be at peace, but there are people who I extremely close to on this site that at least deserves to know. I'm not sure about how they will feel if I just dropped a text like, 'CTB while you're asleep oops sorry' Sorry, used a zopiclone to try to calm myself down and thinking things more calmy might not be going well. My thoughts are so jumbled

So yeah, im not sure what to do. Its a perfect opportunity to leave but i think I owe explanations to those that are left behind


Update: Didnt drink SN, as one person who is incredibly important to me didnt come on. Gotta give them a long apology for even thinking about being selfish now. Sigh. I dont even want to look at the setup, gives me so much pain that I'm still here

So there won't be any health impacts from taking 3x domperidone right?

 

[ExistHarm]

only you can make the right choice. im sure everyone here would understand even if they were sad. please take care

 

[Undertow Mermaid]

It's sweet of you that you're considering others you've made connections with. Maybe make a post shouting out people you really connected with? There's never a good time to say goodbye, they hurt for everyone no matter how long you push it off. Maybe these attachments that are holding you back are a lifeline you could try to cultivate further? Whatever your choice is, you have the right to be at peace.

 

[Scacie]

Yea, they would definiely understand my reason, but i got really close to some of them, and i really really liked them so I'm not sure if its being fair to them if I just go without a final message

It's sweet of you that you're considering others you've made connections with. Maybe make a post shouting out people you really connected with? There's never a good time to say goodbye, they hurt for everyone no matter how long you push it off. Maybe these attachments that are holding you back are a lifeline you could try to cultivate further? Whatever your choice is, you have the right to be at peace.

I wanted a more personal farewell, and im not sure if they would apperciate it when I put their names out loud.
And yea, that first zopiclone is really messing with my mind. I can't think straight, so I dont know if I have the mental capacity to write that now.

 

[NoLoveNoHope]

When would another opportunity like this come up? If it's frequent I'd say just skip it for now and plan it out beforehand to get your final goodbyes out.

 

[Scacie]

it dosent. The stars today legit aligned perfectly. I even got to watch the owl house's finale, and after that thr family left for a couple hours. Giving me the perfect time to leave

The only regret is not talking to the closest friend I met here in the morning. my last message was ranting about meeting some weirdo in discord. I wish I could have bid farewell to them or something.
they says they might wake up today, so if I can bid farewell to them in this time frame, I would be happy
I cann't find the painkillers, those that I got myself. I found some one my parents, but i just want to be rid of any of their involvement in this and after.

I'll follow the guide all the way until before SN and make a decision then

 

[NoLoveNoHope]

it dosent. The stars today legit aligned perfectly. I even got to watch the owl house's finale, and after that thr family left for a couple hours. Giving me the perfect time to leave

The only regret is not talking to the closest friend I met here in the morning. my last message was ranting about meeting some weirdo in discord. I wish I could have bid farewell to them or something.
they says they might wake up today, so if I can bid farewell to them in this time frame, I would be happy
I cann't find the painkillers, those that I got myself. I found some one my parents, but i just want to be rid of any of their involvement in this and after.

I'll follow the guide all the way until before SN and make a decision then

Make sure you try your best to let them get their goodbyes in, it's pretty important - at least to me. I wish you the best whether you go through with it or not.

 

[Scacie]

It's sweet of you that you're considering others you've made connections with. Maybe make a post shouting out people you really connected with? There's never a good time to say goodbye, they hurt for everyone no matter how long you push it off. Maybe these attachments that are holding you back are a lifeline you could try to cultivate further? Whatever your choice is, you have the right to be at peace.

Im slightly more sober now so Im gonna try my best to answer this lmao. I have always been selfish. They choose to reach out to me, after I got everything and knowning my intentions. Sadly I became very very close to someone that I met here, and I'll be selfish already, since I wanted to do it before the end of may. And yet they still talk to me about so much everyday. Right now, the only thing holding me back, is we never got a proper farewell. I cant rob her of that too.

Make sure you try your best to let them get their goodbyes in, it's pretty important - at least to me. I wish you the best whether you go through with it or not.

Yea, we did bid each other goodnight yesterday, but its definitely not for the thing I'm doing right now. Its time so i'll be taking the painkillers and AE's slightly later. Im just hoping they comes on before 6. I want to leave about an hour to die before my family comes back

 

[Undertow Mermaid]

Im slightly more sober now so Im gonna try my best to answer this lmao. I have always been selfish. They choose to reach out to me, after I got everything and knowning my intentions. Sadly I became very very close to someone that I met here, and I'll be selfish already, since I wanted to do it before the end of may. And yet they still talk to me about so much everyday. Right now, the only thing holding me back, is we never got a proper farewell. I cant rob her of that too.

See there, you're not selfish. That is a kind sweet thing to do for someone you were able to open up with. I understand that being in the states of mind where you're just done with all the bullshit brings out negative shit in our brains (trust me I tell myself I'm a piece of human waste daily). But you truly do have a friend on here and I'm just pointing out to you--you're not selfish for wanting to be at peace, the fact you're holding out for this person also highlights that fact. I'm newer to this site so I'm sad I didn't get to know you, but from what I'm seeing right now... You seem like a good friend.

 

[Scacie]

Thank you I'm sorry, this drugged brain takes a long time to type coherent sentences.They say that too, but I still can't help to feel this way. I implied that they will wake up early since they slept early. But they also have alot of work so they might not be on. Im hoping that they replies so can drink it now. Its nowhere as fancy as I liked mine to be. But I'll take leaving right now.

It kinda sucks that this is a perfect opportunity, but I don't mind talking more to them if they dosent reply by 6

 

[boblong]

If ur not sure , then dont do it . Only ctb when you are fully committed and willing to do so .

 

[Scacie]

I'm like. fully committed right now. Following the STAT dose, and will take AEs in 3minutes. But theres people on here that I care deeply deeply about, and I dont want to go without leaving a single message. They deserve to bid farewell, and not just be shocked that I'm gone when they wake up in an hr or 2.

If they aren't on by 6, ill need to sadly abort the atempt, since I can't open the SN bag without unsealing it.
But if they can be here, ill drink SN then with no regrets



Im so not sure right now. I really really really want to say fuck this shit, and drink it at 6 no matter what. This is the best chance I got.
But its so so so selfish to them. I wont be here to feel it after this ofcourse, but I hate for my last act to hurt people



just took the AEs still unsure on what to do next. Its really tempting to just be selfish but its so unfair for them. Im not sure. Praying that they reply to me before 6, so I can say farewel and leave





Update: I didn't drink the SN, since said friend wasn't on. They are very very important to me. I definitely failed myself. When the opportunity rose, I was willing to ditch every single ritual I prepared for my last day and go now. I'm not sure the stars will ever me aligned again for me to do it at home, and that is so frustrating. I'll definitely be paying for my decision.

Looking back, and consolidating this failed 'attempt' down, the only reason i didnt CTB already was because someone couldn't say bye. Someone incredibly important to me, but I still lost my best chance in awhile. I must do it in a hotel next time, and theres so many logistic challenges to that.

I don't know, I had everything ready. I experienced no panic, was calm, and there was no pesky SI. Had they came on, I would have dranked the SN now and be at peace. But I'm not. Sigh. And if the person I'm referring to is reading this. I'm so sorry, its not your fault that I didnt. And now I gotta apologise for even thinking about being so fucking selfish in the first place. I'm also so sorry about the language, still a little out of it from a sedative, and I must have sounded pretty agitated and venty. Its not your fault, its mine for even thinking about it in the first place.

 

[soontobedone]

I think SN can take 4 hours to die?

 

[HerculePoirot]

I think SN can take 4 hours to die?

4 hours is a maximum, the usual time to die is between 40 and 60 minutes when the protocol is observed, without vomiting, and the person isn't discovered early.

 

[FuneralCry]

At least having the option of SN means that you have a way to leave for when the time is right for you, but anyway after all only you know when the right time is to leave. I do believe that it can be difficult setting plans for ctb as after all life is unpredictable but anyway best wishes.

 

[Viranamari]

Having SN is assuring as you can leave this world whenever you please. It's fine that you couldn't carry out your plan today since I'm sure that another day will surely come. Be it today or a year later, the thought of dying is certainly so peaceful. Rushing CTB is never a good idea as it might fail and only you know when is the right time to escape your suffering. It's a good thing that you are considerate of others even after you're dead. I live in the same country as you but obtaining SN is so very difficult because of the strict regulations. I envy how you're able to obtain such an invaluable item. Anyways, I wish you luck.