"I'm not OK": I'm starting to realise I am seriously unwell, and I'm ambivalent if I want to get better

[NZkiwi]

Thank you for allowing this place to be a safe space

Under the public mental health team for the last 5 days getting daily calls and weekly appointment
Allowed to live my life in the community
Not in psych ward thankfully

Started opening up to my close friends really slowly what's going on
I'm so desensitised to suicidal ideation
Improving from my last attempt when I was younger
Ordering what I need to kill myself

Turning the tap up of vulnerability slowly
I don't want to flood the kitchen
I don't want to be in a psych ward again

I'm slowly realising that I am quite/sick unwell despite being on medication/therapy for a while
My cognition (typing) has protected me
Was in denial for a while

I'm still 50/50 about recovery vs ctb

Sigh

Any way about to start a shift at the bar
Been quite cathartic being able to post my thoughts here
Nice not feeling alone


****

Question for SaSu
Anyone else think they are sick and need help? Or just me
I can no longer say with confidence "I'm fine"

Hope y'all are okay, no matter what you chose

 

[Gild-Holm-’Ur]

Did anything happen between now and your recovery quote post?

 

[ladybird jones drew]

Question for SaSu
Anyone else think they are sick and need help? Or just me

I'm sick. My brain is not right. I need help but I'm frustrated by previous attempts to get help that haven't gone well. It's definitely not just you.

It's good for you to recognize that about yourself and pursue that help. Ctb is always an option but I think the options for help are less clear and worth exploring/understanding as alternatives. That is to say I think the work you're doing and steps you're taking are worthwhile.

Turning the tap up of vulnerability slowly
I don't want to flood the kitchen

I like this analogy that you use for vulnerability (and emotionality in another thread I believe). It speaks to your mindfulness through the process. It beats my method of turning the tap on full blast, flooding everything out and cleaning up the mess afterwards.

If you are getting relief and catharsis from posting here, I think you should keep doing it. It's what Recovery is here for.

 

[Chili]

Thank you for allowing this place to be a safe space

Under the public mental health team for the last 5 days getting daily calls and weekly appointment
Allowed to live my life in the community
Not in psych ward thankfully

Started opening up to my close friends really slowly what's going on
I'm so desensitised to suicidal ideation
Improving from my last attempt when I was younger
Ordering what I need to kill myself

Turning the tap up of vulnerability slowly
I don't want to flood the kitchen
I don't want to be in a psych ward again

I'm slowly realising that I am quite/sick unwell despite being on medication/therapy for a while
My cognition (typing) has protected me
Was in denial for a while

I'm still 50/50 about recovery vs ctb

Sigh

Any way about to start a shift at the bar
Been quite cathartic being able to post my thoughts here
Nice not feeling alone


****

Question for SaSu
Anyone else think they are sick and need help? Or just me
I can no longer say with confidence "I'm fine"

Hope y'all are okay, no matter what you chose

This sounds stressful, man. I'm glad you're out but I hate that you're feeling this way. I agree, I also feel sick and feel like I need help. My brain is a mess and I don't know what part of it is telling me the truth about what I want. Part a wants to ctb part b wants to become a new person and live. But neither are particularly easy to achieve.

What are you feeling about things now?

 

[StarsAbove]

I really like what others have said here and agree

I would say I am unwell comparatively, but I struggle to find the right care. So I try to do some personal development stuff instead

 

[LRkin]

Anyone else think they are sick and need help? Or just me

I can say for sure that I am sick and that I probably need help. Don't believe I'll get any actual help and get well, though. I just tell myself that it's never too late to give up, so I can stay a bit longer and try to find anything good worth living for.

Any way about to start a shift at the bar

I wish you a good shift.

 

[NZkiwi]

Did anything happen between now and your recovery quote post?

I spoke to one of my friends and as I was speaking to him I started recognising (intellectualy) that I am unwell

You can be blind to your illness, it's very common

An example is like some diabetic people, their nerves in their feet get damaged, blood vessels get damaged, hence if they stub their toe, they don't notice that it's not healing ---> infection gets worse ---> we have to cut their feet off (I saw this in hospital)

And so my lack of awareness to danger signals is like me not being able to feel my foot wounds if i was diabetic


****

I wish you a good shift.

Thank you, drinking a guiness and waiting for workers to finish closing

I can say for sure that I am sick and that I probably need help

How do you know you are sick
It took me like lol 8 years of psychiatric care and meds to get to this point
So curious how you know

***

I would say I am unwell comparatively, but I struggle to find the right care. So I try to do some personal development stuff instead

Why did you use the word "comparatively"
comparison is the theif of joy :P

And what do you mean by you struggle to find the right care
Honestly took a long time for me as well

***

, I also feel sick and feel like I need help.

And again, how did you come to the realistion you feel sick and need help?
So curious how you got to that point?

What are you feeling about things now?

My stress response is cognition/intellectulisation
IDK
Stressed
Vulnerable
uhh
Exposed

Thanks for listening friend

***

options for help are less clear and worth exploring/understanding as alternatives

When I started this new journey of working with the team 5 days ago, I had hope, and then I was like "fuck it, it won't help anyway, might as well plan to ctb, and then I proceeded to buy tree straps

But then on the phone, one of the support workers (let's call her J), said "you've just started this journey to work with us.. it's just the begining"
And it made me think, probably should give this a shot rather than have my prejudice kcik in

I think you should keep doing it. It's what Recovery is here for

Thank you for engaging with me
Means more than you might realise

***

 

[LRkin]

How do you know you are sick
It took me like lol 8 years of psychiatric care and meds to get to this point
So curious how you know

Kinda obvious. I am depressed, I have SI, I tend to harm myself because I hate myself and I don't feel any joy. Those are symptomatic, imo.

 

[NZkiwi]

I hate myself

until you mentioned it explicity, I wouldn't have realised that's a sign that someone is unwell

I mutter "fuck my life" under my breath every now and then when I think of my existence .... hmmm..

I'm gonna think bout this more, thanks for sharing