"I'm not OK": I'm starting to realise I am seriously unwell, and I'm ambivalent if I want to get better

[NZkiwi]

Thank you for allowing this place to be a safe space

Under the public mental health team for the last 5 days getting daily calls and weekly appointment
Allowed to live my life in the community
Not in psych ward thankfully

Started opening up to my close friends really slowly what's going on
I'm so desensitised to suicidal ideation
Improving from my last attempt when I was younger
Ordering what I need to kill myself

Turning the tap up of vulnerability slowly
I don't want to flood the kitchen
I don't want to be in a psych ward again

I'm slowly realising that I am quite/sick unwell despite being on medication/therapy for a while
My cognition (typing) has protected me
Was in denial for a while

I'm still 50/50 about recovery vs ctb

Sigh

Any way about to start a shift at the bar
Been quite cathartic being able to post my thoughts here
Nice not feeling alone


****

Question for SaSu
Anyone else think they are sick and need help? Or just me
I can no longer say with confidence "I'm fine"

Hope y'all are okay, no matter what you chose

 

[Gild-Holm-’Ur]

Did anything happen between now and your recovery quote post?

 

[ladybird jones drew]

Question for SaSu
Anyone else think they are sick and need help? Or just me

I'm sick. My brain is not right. I need help but I'm frustrated by previous attempts to get help that haven't gone well. It's definitely not just you.

It's good for you to recognize that about yourself and pursue that help. Ctb is always an option but I think the options for help are less clear and worth exploring/understanding as alternatives. That is to say I think the work you're doing and steps you're taking are worthwhile.

Turning the tap up of vulnerability slowly
I don't want to flood the kitchen

I like this analogy that you use for vulnerability (and emotionality in another thread I believe). It speaks to your mindfulness through the process. It beats my method of turning the tap on full blast, flooding everything out and cleaning up the mess afterwards.

If you are getting relief and catharsis from posting here, I think you should keep doing it. It's what Recovery is here for.

 

[Chili]

Thank you for allowing this place to be a safe space

Under the public mental health team for the last 5 days getting daily calls and weekly appointment
Allowed to live my life in the community
Not in psych ward thankfully

Started opening up to my close friends really slowly what's going on
I'm so desensitised to suicidal ideation
Improving from my last attempt when I was younger
Ordering what I need to kill myself

Turning the tap up of vulnerability slowly
I don't want to flood the kitchen
I don't want to be in a psych ward again

I'm slowly realising that I am quite/sick unwell despite being on medication/therapy for a while
My cognition (typing) has protected me
Was in denial for a while

I'm still 50/50 about recovery vs ctb

Sigh

Any way about to start a shift at the bar
Been quite cathartic being able to post my thoughts here
Nice not feeling alone


****

Question for SaSu
Anyone else think they are sick and need help? Or just me
I can no longer say with confidence "I'm fine"

Hope y'all are okay, no matter what you chose

This sounds stressful, man. I'm glad you're out but I hate that you're feeling this way. I agree, I also feel sick and feel like I need help. My brain is a mess and I don't know what part of it is telling me the truth about what I want. Part a wants to ctb part b wants to become a new person and live. But neither are particularly easy to achieve.

What are you feeling about things now?

 

[StarsAbove]

I really like what others have said here and agree

I would say I am unwell comparatively, but I struggle to find the right care. So I try to do some personal development stuff instead

 

[LRkin]

Anyone else think they are sick and need help? Or just me

I can say for sure that I am sick and that I probably need help. Don't believe I'll get any actual help and get well, though. I just tell myself that it's never too late to give up, so I can stay a bit longer and try to find anything good worth living for.

Any way about to start a shift at the bar

I wish you a good shift.

 

[NZkiwi]

Did anything happen between now and your recovery quote post?

I spoke to one of my friends and as I was speaking to him I started recognising (intellectualy) that I am unwell

You can be blind to your illness, it's very common

An example is like some diabetic people, their nerves in their feet get damaged, blood vessels get damaged, hence if they stub their toe, they don't notice that it's not healing ---> infection gets worse ---> we have to cut their feet off (I saw this in hospital)

And so my lack of awareness to danger signals is like me not being able to feel my foot wounds if i was diabetic


****

I wish you a good shift.

Thank you, drinking a guiness and waiting for workers to finish closing

I can say for sure that I am sick and that I probably need help

How do you know you are sick
It took me like lol 8 years of psychiatric care and meds to get to this point
So curious how you know

***

I would say I am unwell comparatively, but I struggle to find the right care. So I try to do some personal development stuff instead

Why did you use the word "comparatively"
comparison is the theif of joy :P

And what do you mean by you struggle to find the right care
Honestly took a long time for me as well

***

, I also feel sick and feel like I need help.

And again, how did you come to the realistion you feel sick and need help?
So curious how you got to that point?

What are you feeling about things now?

My stress response is cognition/intellectulisation
IDK
Stressed
Vulnerable
uhh
Exposed

Thanks for listening friend

***

options for help are less clear and worth exploring/understanding as alternatives

When I started this new journey of working with the team 5 days ago, I had hope, and then I was like "fuck it, it won't help anyway, might as well plan to ctb, and then I proceeded to buy tree straps

But then on the phone, one of the support workers (let's call her J), said "you've just started this journey to work with us.. it's just the begining"
And it made me think, probably should give this a shot rather than have my prejudice kcik in

I think you should keep doing it. It's what Recovery is here for

Thank you for engaging with me
Means more than you might realise

***

 

[LRkin]

How do you know you are sick
It took me like lol 8 years of psychiatric care and meds to get to this point
So curious how you know

Kinda obvious. I am depressed, I have SI, I tend to harm myself because I hate myself and I don't feel any joy. Those are symptomatic, imo.

 

[NZkiwi]

I hate myself

until you mentioned it explicity, I wouldn't have realised that's a sign that someone is unwell

I mutter "fuck my life" under my breath every now and then when I think of my existence .... hmmm..

I'm gonna think bout this more, thanks for sharing

 

[StarsAbove]

@NZkiwi
Why did you use the word "comparatively"
comparison is the theif of joy :P

And what do you mean by you struggle to find the right care
Honestly took a long time for me as well



Haha, yes comparioson owes me money!
I have had numerous therapists but only a couple I connected with and they were only talk therapy. I cant make up my mind about what type of therapy I think I need. I have also tried numerous psych meds that also didnt work. I was actually in the process of getting trained in emdr, I think you can do it on yourself. I might try that

 

[NZkiwi]

e had numerous therapists but only a couple I connected with and they were only talk therapy. I

have you ever seen a clinical psychologist

not a social worker, therapist, counciller

fullly trained, qualified

they are a different bread of therapy from my own experience

i enjoyed my therapist but sometimes i felt like they were just s friend loghtly calling me out

clinical osychologist helped me unpack some of my deeper ostterns -+ they can be a bit more rude but they do compliment regilar talk therapy

i did my emdr with 1 and that was helpful

also tried numerous psych meds that also didnt work.

would you feel comfortbsle sharing what you took
which ones worked
and why others didnt

just curious

I think you can do it on yourself. I might try that

oh please share, curious how this works

 

[StarsAbove]

@NZkiwi

I did see 1 psychologist. I felt seen and heard by her, but we were just basically talking, which is fine, there is a need for that sometimes, but I havent done any heavy duty work. Ill let ya know if I try the emdr in myself. That is so awesome that it worked for you! Did you just reprocess trauma memories or did you use it for depression?

I dont think I remember all the antidepressant meds ive tried, except for Zoloft, Prozac, Paxil, Lexapro, Lamictal, Wellbutrin, and Celexa.

 

[NZkiwi]

Ill let ya know if I try the emdr in myself

how do you even do emdr on your self??!! i guess i know how to do it ok other people

Did you just reprocess trauma memories or did you use it for depression?

i had unhelpful statements about myself

e.g.
ima failure
im dumb
ive fucked my life up
i hate myself

etc

stories about myself that caused deep pain and emdr allowed me to i guess not ruminate om thise thoughts

in additon to the standard stuff of process traumatic events

so could suffer less

so when i see others post on this forum complaiming about theor life
and i belive them
.

i feel a little quiet sandness as that was me, but i dont suffer those thoughts no longer

.....

irony is im just left with isolated suicidal ideation, planning, procurement while mostly functioning without day to day suffering as much... hence seeming professional help as i dont know what to do next

so far being open witb my friends and this forum has helped, psuedo dbt i feel like
.

nt think I remember all the antidepressant meds ive tried, except for Zoloft, Prozac, Paxil, Lexapro, Lamictal, Wellbutrin, and Celexa.

curious if youve ever consider lithium
i take it haha
.stars above , yeah
.before stars there were 3 elements, hydrogen, helium and lithium

thanks for wngaging
love hearing your wisdom

 

[ConfusedClouds]

I struggle with what to label myself. I don't think I'm 'unwell'. But there are defo times I'm not 'well'. But if you read media/society then any slight misdemeanour from a generic lifestyle 'is worth getting checked out'. But also, I'm functional and work and train. Its a huge conflict whether it feels forced to keep up appearances or just me making a big deal over just 'living life'. When I do have wobbles, it generally spirals because I either feel like I'm already maxed out on the good stuff (exercise/diet/whatever) OR its totally self inflicted because I slacked on my exercise/diet/whatever and so there is no justification for me to be pissing and moaning. Shut up and try harder, of course you feel shit if you drank and had no sleep, or whatever. Don't need a doctor or diagnosis and treatment plan for that. But then if I did try presenting to healthcare (mental/physical/medical) then I get super frustrated super quick and feel unheard where they suggest I get on top of all the things I know I need to do (exercise/diet etc). And with society's averages absolutely tanking, suddenly my walking and cycling everywhere is seen as madness where everyone drives. So I get stigma from society for being 'too good' but also doctors kinda ignore me as I'm 'too good'. Yet it feels like my baseline HAS to be 'too good' otherwise I absolutely fall to pieces. And then I know I CAN be 'too good' because I have been, so its self blame for being lazy and need to buck up my ideas and get on with being 'too good' again. But noone helps you get there or maintain it. Because its above expectations/average. Resources are having to be reserved for those not able to do basics. So I guess I am fine and just gotta battle on. Because stopping isn't an option. I probably save myself from CTB by being so caught up in autopilot robot routines of keeping busy and active and distracted that planning different things isn't an option. But I do feel like its inevitable it will happen at some point.

 

[NZkiwi]

I don't think I'm 'unwell'. But there are defo times I'm not 'well'. But

I think there is chronic unwellness - you don't beleve you're chronically unwell
And then acute unwellness - you know when you are dysregulated/acutely unwell?

But also, I'm functional and work and train

I agree and my functionality/icongruence and lack of distress I guess "hides" how unwell I am

I get super frustrated super quick and feel unheard

I 100% understand this !

But I do feel like its inevitable it will happen at some point.

hmmmmm thanks for the insight ... will think about it

i'm glad you have routine of a healty life, it's warming to see from the outside

 

[StarsAbove]

how do you even do emdr on your self??!! i guess i know how to do it ok other people

Sorry I am just getting back, its been a time!
You can use the bilateral stimulation on yourself when you think about your negative cognition and the memory. You can use the butterfly hug or tap on your knees.

stories about myself that caused deep pain and emdr allowed me to i guess not ruminate om thise thoughts

in additon to the standard stuff of process traumatic events

so could suffer less

so when i see others post on this forum complaiming about theor life
and i belive them
.

i feel a little quiet sandness as that was me, but i dont suffer those thoughts no longer

.....

irony is im just left with isolated suicidal ideation, planning, procurement while mostly functioning without day to day suffering as much... hence seeming professional help as i dont know what to do next

Those are some really painful beliefs to have, I feel for you!, I for sure have some similar beliefs that I would like to have no longer consume me. If those thoughts are not at the root at what you are feeling now that makes you want to ctb, do you think there are other deep seated negative beliefs about yourself that have not been addressed with the EMDR?

 

[NZkiwi]

Sorry I am just getting back, its been a time!

Work on your own time, you're alllggg

You can use the bilateral stimulation on yourself when you think about your negative cognition and the memory. You can use the butterfly hug or tap on your knees.

I thought (correct me if I'm wrong) was the unpredictablity of tracking a finger, and the chagne in speed between fast for trauma, and slow/relaxed for good memories.

I guess you could change speed easily, but the upredictability

i low key sometimes think my running is a form of emdr

**

do you think there are other deep seated negative beliefs about yourself that have not been addressed with the EMDR?

hmmm
after consulting the oracle (all hail chat gpt!) and removing things that I didn't think resonated, these stood out

1. Other people deserve compassion more than I do.
2. If suffering doesn't have a foreseeable endpoint, enduring it is irrational
3. My standards for myself are different

Do you share any of those yourself?

 

[StarsAbove]

Work on your own time, you're alllggg

I thought (correct me if I'm wrong) was the unpredictablity of tracking a finger, and the chagne in speed between fast for trauma, and slow/relaxed for good memories.

I guess you could change speed easily, but the upredictability

i low key sometimes think my running is a form of emdr

**

hmmm
after consulting the oracle (all hail chat gpt!) and removing things that I didn't think resonated, these stood out

1. Other people deserve compassion more than I do.
2. If suffering doesn't have a foreseeable endpoint, enduring it is irrational
3. My standards for myself are different

Do you share any of those yourself?

Gratzi.

Yep, you go faster when you are doing the reprocessing and slow for resourcing. I am not sure about the unpredictability

I could totally see running being a form of bilateral stimulation. That is funny. You might literally be able to outrun your trauma then!

Ah yes, praise be to the all knowing oracle!

I would say 1 and 2 sometimes, but always 3.

 

[NZkiwi]

You might literally be able to outrun your trauma then!

it started off 2km being enough but now I have to do 10-20km runs and jeez like i'm not a runner
i justl ike runn
i don't want to run for 3 hours to get the benefits of a what a neurotpyical gets in 30 minutes

**

I am not sure about the unpredictability

curious to see how you solve this
? birdwatching

but always 3.

what are you statandards for yourself vs others

 

[Eupeptic]

Thank you for allowing this place to be a safe space

Under the public mental health team for the last 5 days getting daily calls and weekly appointment
Allowed to live my life in the community
Not in psych ward thankfully

I'm glad you're able to live freely <3. Although I've never been in a psych ward, I know what it's like to feel like your care team has too much control over your life and decisions.

I'm slowly realising that I am quite/sick unwell despite being on medication/therapy for a while

I've had the same realization recently. I've been in therapy for 1 year but didn't truly believe that I needed it until recently. Something interesting that therapy has done for me is that it has made me reflect a lot on how my childhood experiences shaped who I am as a person and, ultimately, contributed to my mental health problems. For a long time, I was baffled by my mental illness(es) because I did not experience any trauma as a child. However, therapy has shown me that the way we are treated when we are young and developing, even if not deliberately harmful, can still have harmful effects.

Anyway, I was recently the victim of a crime, so I guess I have "real" trauma now. Either way, coming to the realization that you're unwell sucks, and I wish I had never had these problems in the first place. I understand you, OP.

 

[NZkiwi]

I'm glad you're able to live freely <3.

Outside is amazing

I know what it's like to feel like your care team has too much control over your life and decisions.

Care to share?

For me it's only been when I'm hospitlised under the mental health act
Otherwise I had pretty good shared decisions making/wasn't told what to do paternalistically/was in confidence

Even now I'm telling the psych team about SN, ordering straps etc -- we agreeded I wouldn't pick up what I order (for now), and to just call them if I do end up ordering SN/straps/ropes etc

but didn't truly believe that I needed it until recently

Anyway, I was recently the victim of a crime

Oh so sorry to hear this
I hope you are in a safe space
And can speak to the right people, (forums if you feel comfortable)
And have a good relationship with you health care team

 

[Eupeptic]

Care to share?

For me it's only been when I'm hospitlised under the mental health act
Otherwise I had pretty good shared decisions making/wasn't told what to do paternalistically/was in confidence

Even now I'm telling the psych team about SN, ordering straps etc -- we agreeded I wouldn't pick up what I order (for now), and to just call them if I do end up ordering SN/straps/ropes etc

I'm in the USA, so I imagine therapists and mental health specialists are taught differently here than in NZ. Basically, I've had two therapists tell me that they would discontinue services with me if I did not do check-ups with a doctor out of fear for my physical health (I have anorexia). At the time, I was desperate to get better so I agreed, and I ended with hundreds of dollars of medical bills, despite my physical health being mostly fine. I was very angry and quit therapy for 8 months as a result. Now, I simply refuse and say that I can manage myself, and my current therapist is (somewhat) okay with it.

 

[StarsAbove]

it started off 2km being enough but now I have to do 10-20km runs and jeez like i'm not a runner
i justl ike runn
i don't want to run for 3 hours to get the benefits of a what a neurotpyical gets in 30 minutes

**



curious to see how you solve this
? birdwatching



what are you statandards for yourself vs others

Hey, its better than doing drugs! You must be very healthy at the least. You are neurodivergent?

Hmmm? Bird watching? Lol

Eh. I guess I developed high standards after grad school. Just felt like I had to compensate for the things I was lacking by getting ahead in my career. Also feel like I should have my mental health together, not need reassurance or support from others, shouldnt disappoint others, and if others do not like me that it means I am defective to name a few. I wouldnt expect or want others to feel that way.

 

[NZkiwi]

You are neurodivergent?

in terms of being anxious,/depressed. and little adhd, yes

in other dimensions, no
i socialise well, i dont have fixations, no tics, i est all food, i speak clearly, posture is fine, im not aggressive. i can hold down work. im very lucky

guess I developed high standards after grad school

ih thats interesting

what did you do for grad school
were you normal during college?

i know normal isnt the right word but you know what i mean

Now, I simply refuse and say that I can manage myself, and my current therapist is (somewhat) okay with it.

im glad there was some shared decidion making and your therapist trust you

Thanks for sharing your story briefy, given its an ED im asuming youre getting family therapy?
hows that going for you

i tried bringing my psrents into family therapy several years ago but they refused to wngage so it was pretty shitty so i jist cut them off

i want to do fsmily therapy woth my parents as i inow oart of the reason im unwell is ongoing toxic behaviour from them. ibe feveloped thick skin,, but i dont want to

 

[StarsAbove]

ih thats interesting

what did you do for grad school
were you normal during college?

i know normal isnt the right word but you know what i mean

I got my master's in social work. College was horrible for me. It was a very dark time. I struggled to make friends, was in a toxic relationship, drank very heavily and did drugs, and my sister died. There were times I did contemplate ctb but ultimately didnt because of my then partner. Grad school was a bit better,
I wasnt contemplating suicide then but I was very stressed and anxious, and that led to depression. I was never normal, depressed as long as I can remember but there were a handful of times in mh life when I was happier. Its weird to look back and realize how long I have been suicidal (albeit off and on) but it has been for over 2 thirds of my life.

 

[StarsAbove]

curious if youve ever consider lithium
i take it haha
.stars above , yeah
.before stars there were 3 elements, hydrogen, helium and lithium

thanks for wngaging
love hearing your wisdom

Lithium is mood stabilizer usually used for Bipolar. I do not have Bipolar. I was taking Lamotrigine/Lamictal which alsp treats bipolar but using off label for anxiety. I do so enjoy random facts like that and As cool as it is to say that you treat your mental health with stardust, it probably wouldnt be the right med for me. The search continues.

 

[NZkiwi]

usually used for Bipolar

depends on the country and doctor but can also be used for unipolar depression fyi

The search continues.

hope you can keep us updated on your journey

was in a toxic relationship

yeah that can make it worse im sorry

been for over 2 thirds of my life

hopefully with time the rest of your life can be in peace

 

[NZkiwi]

just using this thread as my recovery journal

seeing my psychiatrist this afternoon

im curious how the review will go

i feel like i have to be aligned with what they say a bit like joining a religion, have faith, and things will work out

greatful for the sasu people stories ive read
and advice ive taken on board

 

[NZkiwi]

again just using this as recovery journal

had 2.5 hour review and went through

everything

psychiatrist was like to me
i understand why you are suicidal but i dont agree with it
weekly prescribing
she wasnt happy about my lack of emotions and my alarm bells for suicide turned off

see clinical psychologist next week

she said i used to have an inability to let go
and now i have leg go of everything

i feel seen
like she gets me
understand me

no deep dispair altho i stopped feeling dispair
just at peace now
uncomfortable on the inside

no change in medication

started opening up to my friends
they feel bad for me but i struggle to feed bad for them
they are supportive but ive down regulated the need to feel supported

ive down regulated the need to feel


externally validated high risk of suicide
not for psych ward as long as i keep taking my meds

sigh

im here at the pub i work at watching rugby
warm heater on my back
volunteered at the cancer wards this morning first day
what distracts me is just yapping with people

shift should be busy ish, its a thursday