I'm not going to kill myself

[supermario]

Elri, giving you a big hug. I can only imagine how scared and stuck you feel. Be strong, and if there's a 1% chance you can get better, please take it.

 

[Suicidebydeath]

if there's a 1% chance you can get better, please take it.

I know you mean well, but honestly there might be a better way to phrase this. No offense.

 

[Dr Iron Arc]

Good for you, but shouldn't this go under the Recovery section since, I dunno, you've literally recovered? I wish you good luck and hope it sticks if that's what you want.

 

[Suicidebydeath]

Good for you, but shouldn't this go under the Recovery section since, I dunno, you've literally recovered? I wish you good luck and hope it sticks if that's what you want.

This thread was started a fair while ago. Only a mod can move it to Recovery as far as I know. That's not a bad idea at all though.

At least we can show the pro-lifer squad that we're not all death and gloom here!

 

[Elri]

I was just talking about this with someone, and my thought ended up being: I should try to be the best I can at something else instead.

I don't know if that's helpful to you or not. It was a spur of the moment thought I had. I still really feel for you about your situation, and nothing will change that it was a very unfair thing to happen to you, however it happened.

i honestly am trying everyday to fit in and do something positive i take a cold shower every morning even tho i can barely leave my bed i get dressed , take my vitamins , eat well , talk to my family. but in the end of night i feel a lot of void and guilt. i know all i did since i woke up was just a form of skaping the reality. how long can i do this , i have to stay positive for everyone who love me but I'm in a battle I'm not experiencing or enjoying any of it. i give myself a year max and if it circumstances didn't change i will end it and even after that if god still hasn't had enough, let it be. Torture my soul in another form.

Good for you, but shouldn't this go under the Recovery section since, I dunno, you've literally recovered? I wish you good luck and hope it sticks if that's what you want.

At the time i didn't looked at sections at all

 

[Dr Iron Arc]

At the time i didn't looked at sections at all

Just something to keep in mind then for next time or for anyone else who goes through something similar.

 

[Suicidebydeath]

Elri is not Harriet. Mods can confirm.

 

[Suicidebydeath]

again, out of respect for OP, please refrain from derailing the thread and turning this into an argument. if you feel the need to be negative, refrain from POSTING AT ALL AND IGNORE THE THREAD.

Here we go again!!

I feel the need to point out 1 more thing. Elri & another member on here are friends. When you're attacking one or the other you're having a negative impact on one-two peoples decision to ctb, since you're scaring away their support network on the site.

Just in case nobody is aware but that other member is in the middle of a ctb attempt/ctb preparations as well right now.

 

[PDAnnie2610]

I think I'm getting mentally disturbed, crazy. my only solution and only hope to end my unsolvable problems were ctb, i could pass these days with that hope. and now I'm going to hell if i act on that? I don't know what to believe or what to do anymore i never did anything to deserve a lot of pain. If there is a god why did he take everything that i cared about so early? i have nothing left to live for anymore i look at myself and don't recognize myself it must be a nightmare that i am in in i am going to wake up from it tomorrow but i wake up and nothing's changed. god really broke my heart i never lived my life was nothing but suffering. depression, anxiety were enough to knock me out completely but now i am scared too. i don't want to tell these to a therapist or my family cause i never show my weak side in real life. but i can't even vent online cause someone's gonna call me fake or sus. venting doesn't help after all. it's pathetic. i want to live but i can't enjoy it i want to die but i could end up worse. What the fuck am i supposed to do fuck april 16 2002 . Fuck me

It's hard. But there's some of us who do care. Hugs.

 

[PDAnnie2610]

No because he thinks he owns and runs the place. Fucking get over yourself. Ugh i hate men with such a passion.

Here's hoping Elri is ok.

 

[Dr Iron Arc]

Wow, this sure got ugly fast. I'm not on either side and am willing to give the benefit of the doubt that OP is legit but I don't think reverse bullying and dogpiling was the way to go either. Anyone who's legit on this site should be able to understand why others would be paranoid and suspicious even if they seemingly aren't expressing it in a constructive manner. No need to take it personally. The NYT has us all shaken up, at least those who actually care. Not saying that makes whatever was said ok, just that it's understandable.

On the other hand, even if OP is fake, calling them out is probably exactly what they want and if they aren't what they say they are then they were just given a ton of ammo that makes members generally look like unsympathetic assholes. I totally get it but unfortunately it's damning either way. Best to keep your suspicions to private reports so that mods can be wary even if they don't do something about it right away, they'll at least keep it in mind for when the fake people do slip and out themselves.

If I end up with regret for posting this centrist take then so be it.

 

[pole]

can't believe this has to be mentioned for a second time. we aren't in kindergarten. the fact we have to go through this is sad.

have respect for OP. this thread isn't meant to be for arguments. none of us are in a position to pick apart another members stories and interrogate them as if we know them. we don't.

i don't know you, you don't know me, and we don't know the next person. each one of us are different. we have different stories. we have different reasons as to why we're here. the LEAST we could do is respect eachother.

if you feel some sort of way about another member, report it. if you feel some sort of way about a thread, refrain from posting out of respect for thread etiquette, and taking a complete shit on the thread and dragging it through the mud. no one wants to go through threads reading arguments and arguments. it isn't fair to other members. this isn't a circus.

speak to a moderator if you don't like something or what someone has said. if YOU engage in flame wars and derailing a thread, you will ALSO BE HELD ACCOUNTABLE. if you provoke OP or other members you dislike, YOU will also be held accountable.

warnings have been handed out. refer to the rules, as continous warnings will result in loss of posting privileges or a ban.

if you have nothing positive to say or contribute to the thread, don't comment. treat others the way you'd like to be treated. i encourage everyone to imagine if it was your thread and someone came along to pick you apart. how would you feel?

sorry for the disrespect you've faced OP. again, we respect your decision and your story. hope you find peace.

 

[Elri]

can't believe this has to be mentioned for a second time. we aren't in kindergarten. the fact we have to go through this is sad.

have respect for OP. this thread isn't meant to be for arguments. none of us are in a position to pick apart another members stories and interrogate them as if we know them. we don't.

i don't know you, you don't know me, and we don't know the next person. each one of us are different. we have different stories. we have different reasons as to why we're here. the LEAST we could do is respect eachother.

if you feel some sort of way about another member, report it. if you feel some sort of way about a thread, refrain from posting out of respect for thread etiquette, and taking a complete shit on the thread and dragging it through the mud. no one wants to go through threads reading arguments and arguments. it isn't fair to other members. this isn't a circus.

speak to a moderator if you don't like something or what someone has said. if YOU engage in flame wars and derailing a thread, you will ALSO BE HELD ACCOUNTABLE. if you provoke OP or other members you dislike, YOU will also be held accountable.

warnings have been handed out. refer to the rules, as continous warnings will result in loss of posting privileges or a ban.

if you have nothing positive to say or contribute to the thread, don't comment. treat others the way you'd like to be treated. i encourage everyone to imagine if it was your thread and someone came along to pick you apart. how would you feel?

sorry for the disrespect you've faced OP. again, we respect your decision and your story. hope you find peace.

Thank you very much, it's frustrating to deal with toxic people even in a pro choice platform.

 

[Suicidebydeath]

Thank you for taking action! Goodbye/recovery is sacred!

 

[blueclover_.]

I'm signing out so i keep it short. I just had the longest day and I'm terrified. I took a nap and i saw the most gore vivid dream ever. I've never seen a dream so real almost not sure if it was a dream or something like a flash forward that i never experienced.
I'm not religious. I've grown up atheist and no one ever forced me a religion or anything. With that being said these things thay I'm going to tell you are not something i fantasy about or even think about daily.
I fell asleep and i never fall sleep in this hour it was a nap but i was almost conscious. I saw my dad who killed himself in the age of 32 alone in our old house. I was always hopeful to have a dream about him but he never seemed to care. But today I've seen him and it wasn't the best shape ever. Not good at all. He was rotten and gory, one of his eyes was bulging out. I recognized him immediately but his face was almost unrecognizable. His evil father (my grandfather who took all of our money after his death and got cancer and died shortly after) was by his side but his body looked normal unlike him he looked pissed af tho. i was terrified to see my dad like this i couldn't bear it i was hoping to run away and never see him again like this ever in that moment i didn't even miss him i was just thinking about myself. Anyways he seemed like he was trying to tell me something his hand was pointing at me while the only thing coming out of his mouth was agony moaning sound. he was trying so hard. He looked so hopeless and alone even tho his dad was by his side. He looked fucking pathetic. and there's a few other people behind him that I've never seen and they were mostly elderly. One old skinny man with a hanged neck position, one middle age woman in a wheelchair and others that i don't remember. It was a short experience but felt like it took forever every second of it was terrifying and filled with the most lonely , cold , hopeless vibes ever. i just wanted to quit asap. i woke up super scared i couldn't get myself to turn on the lights the lonely feeling was still there like i was there on my bed suffering but no one could hear me. I managed to shout my mom to come and turn on the lights cause i just saw hell. No one came , my sisters room is next to mine and mom's is a little further but it's not too long to not hear me shouting. I stand up and just run to her room at this point i really thought i probably OD'd in my room and I'm actually dead. But i just seen my mom's surprised face that i woke her up. I just told her what i saw and i didn't even care i just wanted someone to get me out of this deep gore lonely feeling. I told her everything and i just called it a nightmare but something's fucking with my mind and that's when my mom said my dad was the 9th person who died by suicide in his family . I thought it made sense , those other people who were standing behind him? They were around 8-10 people too. One of them was hanged. Idk but didn't know shit about other relatives who did this before him in his family and they were all in that terrifying condition in my sleep. I've been thinking about it ever since and his face and agony doesn't leave my fucking head. I don't want to end up like him. Even if it was a nightmare even if it's hallucinations I can't ignore what i felt in those moments some feeling that i never experienced in my human being life. Very dark heavy hopeless lonely feeling. Call me crazy but i think after getting serious about taking cyanide he came and showed me a little of his misery , he put me in his position for a few seconds and i couldn't take it. In that moment all of my physical human life problems felt unimportant and ridiculous. I'm still crying. He must be in so much pain all these years alone. idk . No one will ever know what's in that other side but maybe what they say about suicide souls being lost is true. I can't take that risk. My life still sucks but compared to that feeling it's NOTHING. i don't wish it to my enemy. i don't want to be in a time freeze stand by situation in my bed where i perhaps was going to die till infinity.
I thought to maybe state my reason before leaving .Thanks for reading this I'm leaving now i hope we all find peace and a way to enjoy this life and hopefully die naturally faster. I'm so sorry i love you all

What the turkey
Okay
So... suicide afterlife is in a dream? No heaven or hell, just keep existing in someone else's dream for eternityz? cool

 

[PDAnnie2610]

I get the feeling that if I have to be stuck in there, it will be ok as long as I'm stuck with my bestie who ctb.

 

[liberty_222]

Talk about the reasons and dont be a broken record about the methods. It makes you look like an immature child with misdirected priorities.

@Hass
I think it might be for the better if this thread is locked. I think @Elri has been invalidated enough already. This must be taking a toll on her. I don't know if people don't realise she's just 19 and is one of the youngest members here. Some of you are much older than us but still don't act like it. There will obviously be some difference between different generations. What do you even expect from us? We ARE young. We are young enough to be the children of some of you people out here. Yes our reasons and priorities are different so is our thought process, none of which makes us any less valid. It is upto us how much we want to share and what we want to share. The way you all have attacked op has made me uncomfortable to share my own ctb updates. You all don't care about supporting us or being non judgemental. You think of us as nothing but guinea pigs whose experiences will help you or young girls to harass or sexualise. I haven't been this frustrated all these days but some of the really attacked op for no reason.
Do not be the reason for the downfall of this site. This site is very much needed. Some of you can do way better than the constant attacking, bullying, harassment. This is completely unsolicited. I'd rather spend my last few minutes on this Earth talking just to elri over anyone else here.
We sound immature and directionless but i do not see any reason to believe you all are any better than us despite having more years on us. This is maddening and disheartening. If you have nothing nice to say, don't speak at all. Dealing with you all is not our problem.
Elri wanted support. She wanted to try to recover. And what did you all do? Emotionally abuse her. Question her. Suspect her. Invalidate her.
This forum is pro choice. Let it be pro choice.
Thank you.

 

[Elri]

@Hass
I think it might be for the better if this thread is locked. I think @Elri has been invalidated enough already. This must be taking a toll on her. I don't know if people don't realise she's just 19 and is one of the youngest members here. Some of you are much older than us but still don't act like it. There will obviously be some difference between different generations. What do you even expect from us? We ARE young. We are young enough to be the children of some of you people out here. Yes our reasons and priorities are different so is our thought process, none of which makes us any less valid. It is upto us how much we want to share and what we want to share. The way you all have attacked op has made me uncomfortable to share my own ctb updates. You all don't care about supporting us or being non judgemental. You think of us as nothing but guinea pigs whose experiences will help you or young girls to harass or sexualise. I haven't been this frustrated all these days but some of the really attacked op for no reason.
Do not be the reason for the downfall of this site. This site is very much needed. Some of you can do way better than the constant attacking, bullying, harassment. This is completely unsolicited. I'd rather spend my last few minutes on this Earth talking just to elri over anyone else here.
We sound immature and directionless but i do not see any reason to believe you all are any better than us despite having more years on us. This is maddening and disheartening. If you have nothing nice to say, don't speak at all. Dealing with you all is not our problem.
Elri wanted support. She wanted to try to recover. And what did you all do? Emotionally abuse her. Question her. Suspect her. Invalidate her.
This forum is pro choice. Let it be pro choice.
Thank you.

You're the best i don't know what to say. I don't care about them anymore i just feel really angry that you had to spend your last days fighting with these people. Lysm ignore them i want you to be in peace and love

 

[liberty_222]

Love you more bbg

 

[Suicidebydeath]

Please consider moving this to Recovery and/or locking it.

I'm going on record to say I don't understand or agree with the reason why it's rubbing people up wrong personally. This is really unfair to the OP, this is at least the third time now that I'm seeing negative vibes even if its in a grey area and can't be moderated persay. I'm picking up bad vibes and seems more personal than it should be. So just for the best of all, it's attracting the wrong kind of attention that a Recovery thread should not and never be on the receiving end of.

For anyone and everyone else to which this matters. A wise person said this, and I'm paraphrasing them. Just because something doesn't make sense to you or you can't understand it, it doesn't mean that something is invalid.

The only reason this thread seems to be blowing up, imho, is a lack of awareness. Part of that is a constant lack of awareness of how posts can be interpreted and upset people for no good reason. Please refrain from posting anything negative further in this thread. If you have any concerns, talk to a mod.

If it's the afterlife/dream, then remember that we don't have control over our dreams/feelings and that it's incredibly difficult to talk about them. Same for feelings and emotions. The OP is incredibly brave, why can't people just let them be.

 

[Suicidebydeath]

can't believe this has to be mentioned for a second time. we aren't in kindergarten. the fact we have to go through this is sad.

have respect for OP. this thread isn't meant to be for arguments. none of us are in a position to pick apart another members stories and interrogate them as if we know them. we don't.

i don't know you, you don't know me, and we don't know the next person. each one of us are different. we have different stories. we have different reasons as to why we're here. the LEAST we could do is respect eachother.

if you feel some sort of way about another member, report it. if you feel some sort of way about a thread, refrain from posting out of respect for thread etiquette, and taking a complete shit on the thread and dragging it through the mud. no one wants to go through threads reading arguments and arguments. it isn't fair to other members. this isn't a circus.

speak to a moderator if you don't like something or what someone has said. if YOU engage in flame wars and derailing a thread, you will ALSO BE HELD ACCOUNTABLE. if you provoke OP or other members you dislike, YOU will also be held accountable.

warnings have been handed out. refer to the rules, as continous warnings will result in loss of posting privileges or a ban.

if you have nothing positive to say or contribute to the thread, don't comment. treat others the way you'd like to be treated. i encourage everyone to imagine if it was your thread and someone came along to pick you apart. how would you feel?

sorry for the disrespect you've faced OP. again, we respect your decision and your story. hope you find peace.

This is important. Reposting in case anyone missed this and made a mistake, please read the above post from a Moderator before posting in this thread, and I'm going to quote a specific section below.

"if you have nothing positive to say or contribute to the thread, don't comment. treat others the way you'd like to be treated. i encourage everyone to imagine if it was your thread and someone came along to pick you apart. how would you feel?"

 

[Sherri]

I'm sorry for everything your facing.

 

[pole]

greater warnings have been handed out. you won't see them anytime soon.

in addition, i won't be locking the thread. not everyone is the same, and many of us still want to reach out, support OP and their thread.

more importantly, do not respond and give attention to those being negative. report and ignore, instead of feeding them.

if it happens here, locking it means it'll be carried onto other threads and spill elsewhere on the forum. addressing these problems as they come are important.

i encourage members to continue facilitating the discussion around the thread and OP. i'll start.

@Elri how have you been feeling since the dream? have you understood it completely yet or made sense of it? usually takes a few days to let it sink in.

 

[liberty_222]

greater warnings have been handed out. you won't see them anytime soon.

in addition, i won't be locking the thread. not everyone is the same, and many of us still want to reach out, support OP and their thread.

more importantly, do not respond and give attention to those being negative. report and ignore, instead of feeding them.

if it happens here, locking it means it'll be carried onto other threads and spill elsewhere on the forum. addressing these problems as they come are important.

i encourage members to continue facilitating the discussion around the thread and OP. i'll start.

@Elri how have you been feeling since the dream? have you understood it completely yet or made sense of it? usually takes a few days to let it sink in.

I'll try to be better for the day that I'm here.

 

[Eternal Oblivion]

I really don't get what all the fuss is about. She says she doesn't want to CTB anylonger. Good for her. Let's hope she can recovery and have a life worth living. She says she's leaving, let us bid her farewell. That doesn't change anything for anyone and the forum will go on.