I'm not addicted to self harm. I just do it. At this point, it's a hobby. My only "hobby" that doesn't feel like a chore. I keep cutting and demolishing my legs. I cut my shoulders to punish myself but because it's easier to get caught I feel like each cut is a cry for help.
They all say nobody can save you but yourself. I can't save myself. I need a saviour. It's so bad where I can't go without harming myself even over the smallest conversations or actions. I repeatedly punch my thigh, after I carpet bomb it again with cuts, so it stings again. None of my small joys, neither snow nor rain, is helping me tonight.
I am lonely and have been for my entire life; the fact that I got close friends this year is a miracle. I have two friends who I can talk to. I feel bad for being such an insane friend. The people who understand can't help, and the people who can help can't understand, but understanding in itself helps.
For the past little while I've been struggling with breathing. I can't seem to get a full breath of air and fill my lungs, leaving me hyperventilating. When I do, I feel bliss. Then I remembered a memory I thought I forgot where I was randomly struggling to breathe and begging for help but was dismissed because it's not like the air around me was gone.
I want to cut myself again. A lot of the times I don't cut myself is because I'm too tired. If I'm too tired of life, why do I even live? Because I have this stupid useless feeling of hope. Sometimes it feels as terrible as sadness. I continuously hope for a better life. That hope leads for me to fight for one. What am I even fighting for. It feels like my experiences so far will never redeem my self within my mind. I don't know why I feel the need to redeem my self to myself.
It feels like I'm a different person when I wake up, do my daily activities, and when I'm home. For years I've tried to repress memories I don't like. Now, I forget the majority of my actions taken the day before. To some, it's a curse; to me, it's a blessing. If I were able to remember, I think I'd be in more inner pain. Then that inner pain would be reflected on my body. Then my "stupid activons" will be exposed. Stupid actions that are now taken when even the littlest things trigger me.
What I'm trying to say is: I don't know what I'm trying to say. Some days, like today, my mind is all over the place. At least SaSu helps. Thank you all.
They all say nobody can save you but yourself. I can't save myself. I need a saviour. It's so bad where I can't go without harming myself even over the smallest conversations or actions. I repeatedly punch my thigh, after I carpet bomb it again with cuts, so it stings again. None of my small joys, neither snow nor rain, is helping me tonight.
I am lonely and have been for my entire life; the fact that I got close friends this year is a miracle. I have two friends who I can talk to. I feel bad for being such an insane friend. The people who understand can't help, and the people who can help can't understand, but understanding in itself helps.
For the past little while I've been struggling with breathing. I can't seem to get a full breath of air and fill my lungs, leaving me hyperventilating. When I do, I feel bliss. Then I remembered a memory I thought I forgot where I was randomly struggling to breathe and begging for help but was dismissed because it's not like the air around me was gone.
I want to cut myself again. A lot of the times I don't cut myself is because I'm too tired. If I'm too tired of life, why do I even live? Because I have this stupid useless feeling of hope. Sometimes it feels as terrible as sadness. I continuously hope for a better life. That hope leads for me to fight for one. What am I even fighting for. It feels like my experiences so far will never redeem my self within my mind. I don't know why I feel the need to redeem my self to myself.
It feels like I'm a different person when I wake up, do my daily activities, and when I'm home. For years I've tried to repress memories I don't like. Now, I forget the majority of my actions taken the day before. To some, it's a curse; to me, it's a blessing. If I were able to remember, I think I'd be in more inner pain. Then that inner pain would be reflected on my body. Then my "stupid activons" will be exposed. Stupid actions that are now taken when even the littlest things trigger me.
What I'm trying to say is: I don't know what I'm trying to say. Some days, like today, my mind is all over the place. At least SaSu helps. Thank you all.
