Venting I’m no longer going to defend myself.

[greyblue_bian]

I have friends now. Both off and online. Maybe I can only really say I have 2 definitive friends in person and 1 person I've met here but that's really all. Just to clarify for the rest of this rant.

It's passed the timespan I had planned to CTB at this point. I've been in and out of wondering if I should try catching the bus again at all. To describe how I'm doing now in comparison to before, I think I'm fine. My behavior says otherwise and for a week or so I was doing better in terms of taking care of myself, but I've fallen off for a while and right now only have the ability to muster up enough energy to get 2-3 things done around the house. I haven't even been paying attention to my eating so I forget to eat most of the time. I haven't been paying attention to my money anymore and I've decided to just drop out of this semester of school. I think I'm also terrified of hurting my friends and my cousins. I'm just really tired and I can't really do it anymore. I'm trying and I've tried nearly everything I know to make efforts at getting better but nothing's worked. My ex-boyfriend has said and done a lot to me during and after I found out he was cheating and every time I talk to someone I can hear it. Everytime I see someone who has even the slightest similar feature to him or to the girl he cheated with or to his friends, I can hear everything again and it won't go away. I'm scared to talk to people in person more than before. I'm scared to post what I like on my blog in fear they will make other accounts just to laugh at me more. I can't even lay down or sit in solitude and do something without hearing the things that they've ( or he ) said about me. I'm just going to accept everything that they've said about me even though I know none of it is true because I don't know anymore, it's easier to give up. I might as well give them the satisfaction and kill myself.

 

[attheend13]

I have friends now. Both off and online. Maybe I can only really say I have 2 definitive friends in person and 1 person I've met here but that's really all. Just to clarify for the rest of this rant.

It's passed the timespan I had planned to CTB at this point. I've been in and out of wondering if I should try catching the bus again at all. To describe how I'm doing now in comparison to before, I think I'm fine. My behavior says otherwise and for a week or so I was doing better in terms of taking care of myself, but I've fallen off for a while and right now only have the ability to muster up enough energy to get 2-3 things done around the house. I haven't even been paying attention to my eating so I forget to eat most of the time. I haven't been paying attention to my money anymore and I've decided to just drop out of this semester of school. I think I'm also terrified of hurting my friends and my cousins. I'm just really tired and I can't really do it anymore. I'm trying and I've tried nearly everything I know to make efforts at getting better but nothing's worked. My ex-boyfriend has said and done a lot to me during and after I found out he was cheating and every time I talk to someone I can hear it. Everytime I see someone who has even the slightest similar feature to him or to the girl he cheated with or to his friends, I can hear everything again and it won't go away. I'm scared to talk to people in person more than before. I'm scared to post what I like on my blog in fear they will make other accounts just to laugh at me more. I can't even lay down or sit in solitude and do something without hearing the things that they've ( or he ) said about me. I'm just going to accept everything that they've said about me even though I know none of it is true because I don't know anymore, it's easier to give up. I might as well give them the satisfaction and kill myself.

It's so counterintuitive when we say we failed at CTB, but I'm a 5x failure myself and sometimes when I'm done crying it makes me laugh. It's like they need to invent new things for me to fail at. It's laughable or would be if it didn't hurt so deeply.
I'm so sorry you were cheated on. It's the ultimate rejection and it hurts like a stab in the heart. Not one soul on this planet deserves to be betrayed so completely. I know you think it's you but it's not. Some people need to be constantly in the first phase of relationship and never mature. Try to remember that you are a child of the universe no less than the trees and the stars and you have a right to be here. You have a right to feel loved and cherished. You are worth being cherished. Just because you don't find it doesn't mean you don't deserve it. I don't feel like I'm worth it either but that doesn't make it true.