shiny_quill
Member
- Jun 21, 2023
- 56
I want to go through with my plan so bad, finish my studies, work for a few years in my dream field, until my body can't hold me anymore and my mind breaks and then, and only then CTB but I'm never going to make it this long, am I?
I can feel my chest squeezing my heart, lungs too full of oxygen pushing it around while it just wants to shatter in a million pieces. My legs gave up on me today, and I don't know if I'm going to get them back this time, my own body betrayed me, and over what? Jealousy?
They stole my experience. The one THEY inflicted on me. They stole it, and they're getting the sympathy I never got over it? They put themselves in my shoes, talked about what they did to me as if it was inflicted upon them, as it they ever could understand how distraught I felt when I discovered I wasn't, actually, worthy of love from an internet stranger I once thought of as a friend, and I know they didn't experience it, and they're getting the sympathy I never got, comfort that should have gone to me.
I feel horrible for thinking this way, like my "heart" is really a beating ball of black ooze and negativity. How am I supposed to recover? How am I supposed to let go and move on, knowing lying is rewarded, and honesty is punished? And, if I can't stop hurting for so little, how am I supposed to live out my planned remaining years?
I think I might hate them. For the first time since we met, I think I might want them hurt, or worse, and I hate this feeling. I want it all to stop. I want the sweet memories back, not this sour taste in my mouth, nor the bitter reality, I want the lie back, the happy illusion, how could they take it from me? I can't even say anything to anyone I know about it, I blocked them and I'm not supposed to still be able to access their account, let alone their fake ones (this is from the account that was previously used for their fake alter by the way), so if I told anyone they would just know I'm a creep who can't move on.
I want to fuck up my plan and die now, but I also don't want to do anything in this state, my life was shit, let my death be perfect... I guess I'll have to wait, but it hurts so badly even music cannot soothe me right now. I fear I'm going to be sick over this crap.
I can feel my chest squeezing my heart, lungs too full of oxygen pushing it around while it just wants to shatter in a million pieces. My legs gave up on me today, and I don't know if I'm going to get them back this time, my own body betrayed me, and over what? Jealousy?
They stole my experience. The one THEY inflicted on me. They stole it, and they're getting the sympathy I never got over it? They put themselves in my shoes, talked about what they did to me as if it was inflicted upon them, as it they ever could understand how distraught I felt when I discovered I wasn't, actually, worthy of love from an internet stranger I once thought of as a friend, and I know they didn't experience it, and they're getting the sympathy I never got, comfort that should have gone to me.
I feel horrible for thinking this way, like my "heart" is really a beating ball of black ooze and negativity. How am I supposed to recover? How am I supposed to let go and move on, knowing lying is rewarded, and honesty is punished? And, if I can't stop hurting for so little, how am I supposed to live out my planned remaining years?
I think I might hate them. For the first time since we met, I think I might want them hurt, or worse, and I hate this feeling. I want it all to stop. I want the sweet memories back, not this sour taste in my mouth, nor the bitter reality, I want the lie back, the happy illusion, how could they take it from me? I can't even say anything to anyone I know about it, I blocked them and I'm not supposed to still be able to access their account, let alone their fake ones (this is from the account that was previously used for their fake alter by the way), so if I told anyone they would just know I'm a creep who can't move on.
I want to fuck up my plan and die now, but I also don't want to do anything in this state, my life was shit, let my death be perfect... I guess I'll have to wait, but it hurts so badly even music cannot soothe me right now. I fear I'm going to be sick over this crap.
