I'm just like my dad and i Fucking hate it. I hate everything about me

[sheburnedmedown]

It starts with avoiding little things. I started notice how much i avoid things and i hate it so fucking much. Things such as today i went to a family gathering and accidentally wore someone else's slippers. I noticed it quick but didn't had the guts to say it out loud or even go back and get the correct one. And another thing happened after I returned home i was supposed to send a message in a groupchat but i didn't have the guts to do it either and decided to work my way around it by asking someone else to do it. I'm seriously gonna be so fucked in life (as if i aren't already) i think the problem goes deep as genetics. It's partly behvaiors but there's another aspect and that's genetics. I think im genetically wrong. It's even worse when my mom tells me how I'm like my dad or dad's side of the family and it hurts so bad because they are terrible people in the most pathetic way possible andthis description suits me. I feel like death is the only way i can out of this undesired vessel. I really hate everything about myself there's nothing that I'd actually like about myself. Nothing at all. If i killed myself it'd be natural selection. I might be able to change my behaviors but I'll still be like my dad or his family. I just want to get out of this vessel

 

[discernment]

I understand your concerns and of course you'll always be genetically similar to your dad, but you are a whole separate, unique person with a different life path. Behaviour isn't a fixed inheritance. You can inherit certain vulnerabilities or tendencies, but that isn't the same thing as inheriting a predetermined personality or future. The fact that you're aware of these behaviours and actively hate the way they're affecting your life suggests that you're actually pretty self-aware, and I think that counts for a lot in itself

 

[sheburnedmedown]

I understand your concerns and of course you'll always be genetically similar to your dad, but you are a whole separate, unique person with a different life path. Behaviour isn't a fixed inheritance. You can inherit certain vulnerabilities or tendencies, but that isn't the same thing as inheriting a predetermined personality or future. The fact that you're aware of these behaviours and actively hate the way they're affecting your life suggests that you're actually pretty self-aware, and I think that counts for a lot in itself

Haven't seen anything useful come out of my self awareness. I only notice even more problems within me.. makes me realize I'm even more like the person I don't want anything similar with. I know I'm saying like he's the worst person ever- he's not but I dont want to be anything like him.
I run away from sincere effort and try not to cause any conflict even in situations where there SHOULD be conflict. I'm extremely cowardly which is also making me evil.because cowardice is the root of all evil or something. I also always feel like my actions aren't sincere like I'm always performing, trying to look normal in front of others. I think I might not be redeemable especially with my circumstances and every attempt to "cure" myself is always half assed and not authentic, serious effort. I feel very unnecessary, unreliable and just useless compared to others.