Venting I'm jealous of my sister's autism

[shiny_quill]

OK, disclaimer! I have autism as well, which is the reason I'm jealous in the first place, and I feel terrible, and I keep thinking I'm the worst person I know (which, luckily, one of my ex friends keep reminding me I'm not, they are) for even feeling that way or having those thoughts, but I can't help it? I try to tell myself I have not control over my emotions, but it's a meager relief.

The other day we went to a renfaire, and she just... Talked to everyone. Vendors lit up when she started talking with them, she asked exactly the right questions about their craft that got them going on and on with so much enthusiasm and I just wanted to cry because we have the same disorder, how come I can't do that? I can barely hold a conversation with a stranger in person without my voice breaking, I literally have to use sign language or my phone to ask for information because I go mute so often it's become a necessity for me to learn to express myself without my voice, I start shaking and twitching if I even think people are looking at me wrong and I'm convinced that after every interaction I have with people, they think I'm either rude or condescending, and I've tried embracing it (if that makes sense) and I tried to stop caring, but I can't, and I hate it. She doesn't give a fuck what anyone thinks, and I'm so jealous.

I've worked so hard to get where I am today, and I'm barely functioning, and she makes it look effortless, and I hate myself for even thinking this way, I know it can't have been easy for her to get where she is now, but I keep telling myself she got dealt a better hand because it's the only way I can sleep with myself at night because, if I'm not the way I am because of my disability, then it means I'm the problem, and I just can't hear that yet. I think I know, deep down, that I'm the issue, and I could do it if I tried hard enough, but I don't think I have her charisma? My best friend keeps telling me I have my own type of charm, because people talk to me easily (which tends to scare the hell out of me) and, outside of my family, rarely interrupt me when I start talking actually, which is an observation I took 20+ years to make because of how little I talk to people, but I think she's just being nice in all honesty; besides, she's never met my sister, so she can't really compare.

Anyhow, I need to end this, and I don't know how, so I'll just say goodbye on this last line and call it a night because I've been crying and upset just typing it, I hate myself for thinking this way, and even more for hoping someone can relate because what kind of sick fuck wants others to feel like that?

 

[UnrulyNightmare]

Not everyone with autism struggles in the same way and everyone is on a different timeline in finding ways to cope.
Wanting to be able to do things you see others around you do without apparent effort is normal! That doesn't make you wrong or bad. If you can't do them yet, or maybe even if you never will be able to, it still doesn't make you a problem.

Telling yourself she has worked hard for it is good but doesn't need to cancel out how you feel about the difference in abilities! Both can be true at the same time. She might have worked hard for it and you wish you could do what she does. Thinking she has it better because she can do what you want to be able to do makes complete sense! It must be so hard to have your body/mind shut down on you without your permission But it doesn't make you any lesser in any way

I find improvement or better coping starts with acceptance of what you can and cannot do at this point. You can only do and improve in your own pace. And that is ok.
Life is unfair and some people have less issues with talking and more with needing stability and control. (For example)

I've been jealous so often at people who seemingly have it less bad it so things I can't. And I've felt horrible for thinking those things too.
But in the end my issues aren't the same as theirs and that's nobodies fault. That's, unfortunately, just life.

Also, I've never found trying harder the solution? If anything, it put more pressure on me and made things worse.
So please don't be too hard on yourself