Hey guys today I feel super lonely, in agonizing pain it's so hard to breathe and so unbelievably sad. I can't stop crying and I also have so many mixed emotions and my mind is full thoughts that I wish I could just turn off.
I'm hurting so much at the pain I will put my mom through, she truly doesn't deserve that, she's been an amazing mother with a heart of gold all she ever did was work as single mother to raise us and give us everything we ever wanted and now knowing that I'm depressed her biggest wish is to see me get better but I know I won't so I also feel a sense of pressure, she's not doing it with bad intentions she just is desperate to see me happy. After all she's done for me and my sibling this would be like a slap in the face to her.
I'm also seriously regretted the suicide pact I made with my sister, who is chronically ill suffering physical and emotional pains and she's like a twin to me. I mean everything in the world to her and she always tells me I could never get by without your support and unconditional love you give me. I love her more than words can say as we went through everything together growing up.
We were together through the lows and the highs.we've been through a lot of trauma together. The other day though she asked me if we can do it once my mom passes but my pain is so strong I don't think I can hold on till then and I know that this part is going to sound so selfish but I don't want to be around when she passes I won't be able to handle one second of that pain, I just can't do it, it's unimaginable pain for me to even think about that but at the same time that's what I'm going to be putting her through if I ctb. I know it's messed up.
I just don't know what to do, I can't leave my sister but I also can't live with this pain and I know I will not get better.
I'm also scared of dying I mean I wish I didn't exist but the process of dying scares the hell out of me to be honest.
It's one thing talking about it but completely different thing being in the moment. It's a decision that once you take and act on it there's no going back.
I don't know guys I'm just so utterly sad, in horrible emotional pain and confused.
I just really need to vent all my emotions and express my pain and confusion.
Thanks for reading if you made it this far
I'm hurting so much at the pain I will put my mom through, she truly doesn't deserve that, she's been an amazing mother with a heart of gold all she ever did was work as single mother to raise us and give us everything we ever wanted and now knowing that I'm depressed her biggest wish is to see me get better but I know I won't so I also feel a sense of pressure, she's not doing it with bad intentions she just is desperate to see me happy. After all she's done for me and my sibling this would be like a slap in the face to her.
I'm also seriously regretted the suicide pact I made with my sister, who is chronically ill suffering physical and emotional pains and she's like a twin to me. I mean everything in the world to her and she always tells me I could never get by without your support and unconditional love you give me. I love her more than words can say as we went through everything together growing up.
We were together through the lows and the highs.we've been through a lot of trauma together. The other day though she asked me if we can do it once my mom passes but my pain is so strong I don't think I can hold on till then and I know that this part is going to sound so selfish but I don't want to be around when she passes I won't be able to handle one second of that pain, I just can't do it, it's unimaginable pain for me to even think about that but at the same time that's what I'm going to be putting her through if I ctb. I know it's messed up.
I just don't know what to do, I can't leave my sister but I also can't live with this pain and I know I will not get better.
I'm also scared of dying I mean I wish I didn't exist but the process of dying scares the hell out of me to be honest.
It's one thing talking about it but completely different thing being in the moment. It's a decision that once you take and act on it there's no going back.
I don't know guys I'm just so utterly sad, in horrible emotional pain and confused.
I just really need to vent all my emotions and express my pain and confusion.
Thanks for reading if you made it this far
