SoCloseSoFar
Member
- May 21, 2026
- 20
I hate being on eggshells all the time when I'm around them. It's like they don't even fucking care about me as a person and want me to be the version of myself they wish I wish, rather than who I am.
Like when my mom asked me "Why can't you just be normal?" angrily, I got the sense that behind those words were feelings she'd been thinking for a long time. And it's like… no, i'm not normal. i'm trans, i'm goth, i had a sex change surgery(best decision in my life btw), i'm a stripper, i'm suicidal and self harmer, but like… is any of that(except the self harm part) really a bad thing?
Why can't my family just accept that I'm not like my brother or my cousin? That I'm not the star track athlete who got a free ride to college and chose to go a preppy christian school, that I'm different and it took me until 25 to finally go to college and I only waited this long because they told me I wasn't good enough and couldn't do it when I was in high school. Why do they act so embarrassed that I'm goth instead of relishing in the fact that I found something that makes me feel happy and comfortable in my skin?
I obviously love my family, I love them dearly, but it just doesn't exactly feel like the love I'm giving is reciprocated, or if it is, it's a really fucked up way of showing it. I just hate that I have to suffer the consequences of some drunk college girl in her 20s fucking a douchebag and getting pregnant with me and since she was too ashamed to get an abortion, I was forced into this world and now all the blame for her mistakes get put on me because I dared to live my life first and didn't have kids at her age. She never should have had me, it's abundantly clear to me now as an adult she was never ready to handle me as a teenager/young adult, she was fine raising a baby but she was never equipped for any of this, and it's probably why she treats my brother so much differently. Because he was the one that came after me. And if I dare tell her I wanna kms from the stress of this fucking family then it's how I'M selfish and ungrateful and how I think she's a terrible mom, but since I love her and know she instilled a lot of good traits in me(like my work ethic and my manners) it's so clearly not what i'm saying to her that I have no clue what planet she's on to jump to that conclusion.
I'm sorry, I really am. I'm just venting into the ether rn because I'm stressing over this huge family event tomorrow. I really wanna blow it off and go to this emo rave, a place where I KNOW i'd be amongst my peers who would accept me as I am, and where I'd know i'd have a good time, and I'm fucking pissed that I love my family and I'm not a douchebag so I'm going to this stupid wedding instead. It's just a vent session I needed to get off my chest. And hey, maybe the wedding will end in time for me to make the end Emo Nite so… who knows. Maybe i'll still be able to attend both. Either way, I'm absolutely DREADING the interactions with my family members on Saturday, fucking KILL ME
Like when my mom asked me "Why can't you just be normal?" angrily, I got the sense that behind those words were feelings she'd been thinking for a long time. And it's like… no, i'm not normal. i'm trans, i'm goth, i had a sex change surgery(best decision in my life btw), i'm a stripper, i'm suicidal and self harmer, but like… is any of that(except the self harm part) really a bad thing?
Why can't my family just accept that I'm not like my brother or my cousin? That I'm not the star track athlete who got a free ride to college and chose to go a preppy christian school, that I'm different and it took me until 25 to finally go to college and I only waited this long because they told me I wasn't good enough and couldn't do it when I was in high school. Why do they act so embarrassed that I'm goth instead of relishing in the fact that I found something that makes me feel happy and comfortable in my skin?
I obviously love my family, I love them dearly, but it just doesn't exactly feel like the love I'm giving is reciprocated, or if it is, it's a really fucked up way of showing it. I just hate that I have to suffer the consequences of some drunk college girl in her 20s fucking a douchebag and getting pregnant with me and since she was too ashamed to get an abortion, I was forced into this world and now all the blame for her mistakes get put on me because I dared to live my life first and didn't have kids at her age. She never should have had me, it's abundantly clear to me now as an adult she was never ready to handle me as a teenager/young adult, she was fine raising a baby but she was never equipped for any of this, and it's probably why she treats my brother so much differently. Because he was the one that came after me. And if I dare tell her I wanna kms from the stress of this fucking family then it's how I'M selfish and ungrateful and how I think she's a terrible mom, but since I love her and know she instilled a lot of good traits in me(like my work ethic and my manners) it's so clearly not what i'm saying to her that I have no clue what planet she's on to jump to that conclusion.
I'm sorry, I really am. I'm just venting into the ether rn because I'm stressing over this huge family event tomorrow. I really wanna blow it off and go to this emo rave, a place where I KNOW i'd be amongst my peers who would accept me as I am, and where I'd know i'd have a good time, and I'm fucking pissed that I love my family and I'm not a douchebag so I'm going to this stupid wedding instead. It's just a vent session I needed to get off my chest. And hey, maybe the wedding will end in time for me to make the end Emo Nite so… who knows. Maybe i'll still be able to attend both. Either way, I'm absolutely DREADING the interactions with my family members on Saturday, fucking KILL ME
