Venting I'm having suicidal thoughts for the first time

[memotrow]

Hi, it's my first post and also my first thoughts about suicide.

So my life had too many sudden changes in a very short time: moving to another country without my mum and my little brother, all my cats stayed there, my first breakup (3 years of relationship), I don't have friends in this country and since I study in the afternoons and my brothers in the mornings, I can never see them.

I recently met a girl who's a friend of my sister. She's a nice person and fun to talk to, but I think I've become emotionally dependent on her. She used to text me about a lot of things, but now she doesn't text me. She tells me she's busy or that she's not feeling well, but she just ignores me, since she does text my sister.

I know what I said sounds immature and that I seem needy, but I've been feeling very lonely and I made the mistake of putting the little energy I had into that person.

Now I feel like nothing in my life is right. I should never have come to this country, even though I had no other choice. Now I think about suicide every day, I've thought about jumping off a bridge that's on the way to my institute but I'm a coward; the idea of suicide still scares me, and chemical methods are impossible.

I just wanted to vent. I have my first appointment with the psychologist today. I don't know if my thoughts will change, but this site helped me a lot when I felt alone.

 

[Praestat_Mori]

Welcome to SS!

 

[BlueberryDeer]

The best part of venting is to help brain to find some relief without fearing judgment. That's why this forum is important to some people to discuss about it without taboos.

 

[looking4partner]

Hi, it's my first post and also my first thoughts about suicide.

So my life had too many sudden changes in a very short time: moving to another country without my mum and my little brother, all my cats stayed there, my first breakup (3 years of relationship), I don't have friends in this country and since I study in the afternoons and my brothers in the mornings, I can never see them.

I recently met a girl who's a friend of my sister. She's a nice person and fun to talk to, but I think I've become emotionally dependent on her. She used to text me about a lot of things, but now she doesn't text me. She tells me she's busy or that she's not feeling well, but she just ignores me, since she does text my sister.

I know what I said sounds immature and that I seem needy, but I've been feeling very lonely and I made the mistake of putting the little energy I had into that person.

Now I feel like nothing in my life is right. I should never have come to this country, even though I had no other choice. Now I think about suicide every day, I've thought about jumping off a bridge that's on the way to my institute but I'm a coward; the idea of suicide still scares me, and chemical methods are impossible.

I just wanted to vent. I have my first appointment with the psychologist today. I don't know if my thoughts will change, but this site helped me a lot when I felt alone.

Please don't do anything if you have never experienced ideation before.

I have had these thoughts for 18 years. Well, they didn't become active thoughts until 3 or 4 years ago. I think they were called passive before that. And that's partly because I experienced more trauma & developed disabilities.

Some things that can help when you have the thoughts:

Think about people you want to stay forcand see again such as family members

Doing an activity that is distracting even if thoughts are still happening. Art like coloring books can be therapeutic. Watching a lighthearted TV show that isn't too emotional.

Guided mindfulness meditation videos on YouTube can help with calming down & breathing

Audio from ASMR YouTube videos can help some people with falling asleep & relaxing at night

Think about things you are looking forward or don't want to miss happening such as:

A fun school event
Season of a TV series you're following
New album your favorite singer is creating

Could you call your family some of the times you're feeling sad? (Mom or brother) Company can help sometimes. Maybe you can also videocall to be able to see your cats. I just saw your schedule comment. Could you call them on a certain weekend day?

There is also something called a warmline that you can text or call to talk to someone. They are not trained in crisis situations like the hotline but they usually have people available to talk for a certain amount of time. The warm line isn't available 24/7 jsyk

Having a psychologist to talk to can also be good especially in a new place when you haven't had the chance to get to know people

Is there a volunteering club at your school? Sometimes helping other people can help to think about something else (btw this is not meant to imply that your own emotions aren't important or that you don't help people.)

Sometimes going on a walk can help. Because it can help people think and you're more likely to have a positive interest with someone else


Are there changes you can make about the current situation that could help?

For example, is there any way you could move back to your home country and do school somewhere there? Some people need smaller steps to reach independence and being far from family is a huge change. If you didn't get into a school in your home country, does it have community colleges where you could take classes? Could you work somewhere at home instead and re-apply to schools there? I have heard of a job position who helps people apply to colleges and be more likely to be accepted. I think they're called recruiters. They are kinda expensive though I think.

If you recently moved, loneliness from homesickness is also normal and a lot of other students are probably feeling that too. Is there any club at the school you could join to have a group of people who you regularly meet up with?

That's one of the things that helps meet and get to know new people because it guarantees time to get to know each other better when it's a regularly scheduled event that people can go to and don't have to plan themselves.

 

[Afterglow]

if you're planning on trying to get better, I urge you to stick to the recovery section of this site, as the suicide discussion section can, and has made people worse when it comes to suicide ideation. Im glad you're taking the first steps to recovery at least, that's something you should be proud of.

do not be afraid to vent though, we're all here to listen and provide support for each other the best we can