Bitterly_Nostalgic
to me, my x-men
- Apr 8, 2026
- 30
I'm teetering on the edge. I keep looking down and wanting to take the plunge. But I love my family. I really don't want to hurt them. I don't want to leave my cats. Even as I'm typing this out, one of them is purring and forcing himself onto my lap for cuddles and pets. Maybe I don't have anything to lose by asking for help.
I'm close to my father so I'll be speaking with him first. However my screwed up mind keeps feeding me intrusive thoughts saying that he won't care, he won't help, that I shouldn't waste his time with my stupid problems and that even asking is weak. I know it isn't true, none of it. I know how much he loves me and has always been a big supporter. I know he would want me to reach out. So why can't I make these thoughts shut up?
The idea of this is also pushing my anxiety through the roof. It feels like a relentless fist is squeezing my heart. I'm competely terrified. I worry that my words will fail me and I won't be able to just say out loud all the things that need to be said. I hate being vulnerable and opening up like this to my family. It's so hard but I know I have to do it.
My family is aware of my history of mental illness and suicidal ideation. They know about one of my previous attempts. Unfortunately after living with these issues for longer than I have without, I am excellent at hiding it and acting like I'm fine even while it feels like everything is falling apart inside. They have no idea how bad I've gotten over these past several months.
I'll talk to him later tonight. Wish me strength and luck.
I'm close to my father so I'll be speaking with him first. However my screwed up mind keeps feeding me intrusive thoughts saying that he won't care, he won't help, that I shouldn't waste his time with my stupid problems and that even asking is weak. I know it isn't true, none of it. I know how much he loves me and has always been a big supporter. I know he would want me to reach out. So why can't I make these thoughts shut up?
The idea of this is also pushing my anxiety through the roof. It feels like a relentless fist is squeezing my heart. I'm competely terrified. I worry that my words will fail me and I won't be able to just say out loud all the things that need to be said. I hate being vulnerable and opening up like this to my family. It's so hard but I know I have to do it.
My family is aware of my history of mental illness and suicidal ideation. They know about one of my previous attempts. Unfortunately after living with these issues for longer than I have without, I am excellent at hiding it and acting like I'm fine even while it feels like everything is falling apart inside. They have no idea how bad I've gotten over these past several months.
I'll talk to him later tonight. Wish me strength and luck.
