i constantly pick fights with my boyfriend to try and push him away. i am used to being the side piece for men and them having secret girlfriends on the side while using me for my body and only sexual reasons. because of my trauma with this and everything else, i constantly pick fights with my boyfriend to push him away. i don't feel lovable at all. i am disgusted with myself everyday and want to be someone else, not me.... my boyfriend does his best to reassure me and has put up with me so much bc he loves me, but i just go insane and think of shit to fight about or accuse him of lying. he has so many of his own issues yet he spends his time and energy on me. i know it's better for him to leave me. i am ruining his mental health because i am not capable of being a good partner to him. i truly try so hard everyday to not be fucking insane and self sabotaging, but all my life i have never known stability. it has always been wanting for things to come crashing down in flames and ending horribly. it has always been being abused physically or verbally.. by my father, ex boyfriends, random people, etc... he deserves so much more than me. he deserves someone who is easy to love and someone who will love him without tearing him down. i feel so selfish not letting him go. i genuinely try to push him away for his own good, because i ruin everything that i touch. there is a reason there's nothing good in my life and it obviously all comes back to me. i have tried fucking EVERYTHING to be the good girl, to not be fucking insane. but when one small thing triggers me, i just become the sad lonely abused invisible little girl that no one cared enough to save. he tries so hard to comfort me, but i know that he deserves so much more than this.
if ur reading this bilal then i am so sorry for everything
if ur reading this bilal then i am so sorry for everything
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