Venting i'm genuinely an awful girlfriend

[avemaria]

i constantly pick fights with my boyfriend to try and push him away. i am used to being the side piece for men and them having secret girlfriends on the side while using me for my body and only sexual reasons. because of my trauma with this and everything else, i constantly pick fights with my boyfriend to push him away. i don't feel lovable at all. i am disgusted with myself everyday and want to be someone else, not me.... my boyfriend does his best to reassure me and has put up with me so much bc he loves me, but i just go insane and think of shit to fight about or accuse him of lying. he has so many of his own issues yet he spends his time and energy on me. i know it's better for him to leave me. i am ruining his mental health because i am not capable of being a good partner to him. i truly try so hard everyday to not be fucking insane and self sabotaging, but all my life i have never known stability. it has always been wanting for things to come crashing down in flames and ending horribly. it has always been being abused physically or verbally.. by my father, ex boyfriends, random people, etc... he deserves so much more than me. he deserves someone who is easy to love and someone who will love him without tearing him down. i feel so selfish not letting him go. i genuinely try to push him away for his own good, because i ruin everything that i touch. there is a reason there's nothing good in my life and it obviously all comes back to me. i have tried fucking EVERYTHING to be the good girl, to not be fucking insane. but when one small thing triggers me, i just become the sad lonely abused invisible little girl that no one cared enough to save. he tries so hard to comfort me, but i know that he deserves so much more than this.
if ur reading this bilal then i am so sorry for everything

 

[Worndown]

This reminds my of my ex.
It is possible you have a disorder of some form. (she was bipolar)
Seeking assistance would be in your best interest.

 

[100memoryleaks]

if you haven't already please try to see a specialist, I know it's a hard process but I promise you it will be worth it, it's better to try to seek help while your boyfriend is still willing to give you a chance, before anything can worsen

 

[SuicidalCheese]

Please, see a specialist, it might taboo to some of the people around you, but fie upon them. Just get some help, and try being a better you, after that, do what you want. I don't know much about all of this, but your boyfriend seems like he genuinely cares for you, and I am as sure as I can be, that he will support you, no matter how long it takes.

 

[MephiticShadow]

This was me 18 years ago. Mine never gave up. Eventually I started to trust him and it changed me. I'm a lot nicer to him now. Could it be extreme fear of abandonment.? Like you just wanna get it over with cause you know deep down he'll figure out you're no good and leave eventually. For me, I never had any good memories from before him. So any thoughts I had at all were terrible. But eventually memories with him that were good were there too. And after years those good memories were there for me to think about instead of all just bad. I hope the same for you. Sending you all my love
Its gonna sound really stupid, but it also really helped when I tried to change the narrative for that poor, abused, neglected, invisible little girl that I was. I would picture her in my mind, and instead of hating her and abusing her more and blaming her for everything, I would hug her, tell her I loved her, tell her she was an innocent child when it all started and it wasn't her fault.....
I don't think I would have got anywhere without that step. Fighting myself just made things worse