Venting I'm finding comfort here. Maybe that's a good thing.

[Just_So_Numb]

Hey y'all. Back here after a while. I never really had the courage to post anything except for one vent sesh. To that one guy who responded, o7.
Well now I find comfort here, make of that what you will.

Quite a lot has happend over the last couple years. I attempted last month, didn't want to turn 20. Wasn't supposed make it this far blah blah, same old. Wasn't any proper method or anything, unfortunately I'm not in a position to really die painlessly yet, physical and mental. But, the pain itself has just been consistently getting worse. The "better" life gets, the more everything hurts. I don't see myself lasting too long, "Fundamentally incompatible with the times", as I like to say. I'm back to how I was before my journy with getting "help", that experiance was unfortunately just as terrible as I expected it would be. Took me a while to recover from that, but being myself (which is hell), is still somehow better than, well whatever the fuck that was.
I'm not even "alone", I have many friends irl, people who "love me" etc etc. But for whatever reason that does nothing but make the pain worse. None of them understand me. All they do is chain me down, make it harder to kill myself. All everyone cares about is themselves, it's so fucking hilarious.

Nothing brings me comfort except for, thinking, processing, working things out, losing myself in a task, and getting good.

Anyway, right now I'm gonna focus on working as hard as I can on my natural strengths, gain financial stability, and prove to as many people as I can, what I'm capable of. I know this sounds presumptuous, but I know for a fact that I genuinely, naturally have the capacity to get really good at things really fast.
Once I get to a point where I feel like I've done enough, I'll ctb, and find my peace.

I love all of you.
Even if you think you're unlovable,
and I respect your decisions. I just wanted to say that. I don't feel like explaining much further than this, I know I don't know anyone here, but I think the fact that you're even on here at all is enough for me to care about you. Hopefully I'll get to interact with all of you at some point. That'd be fun.

 

[Hiro Uchiha]

this is one of the reasons that the forum exists
it has a power to comfort people

love and peace

 

[strayed]

I'm gonna focus on working as hard as I can on my natural strengths, gain financial stability, and prove to as many people as I can, what I'm capable of. I know this sounds presumptuous, but I know for a fact that I genuinely, naturally have the capacity to get really good at things really fast.

Whether life gets better or worse, keep working hard. I hope I can achieve the same level of drive that u have one day

 

[Just_So_Numb]

Whether life gets better or worse, keep working hard. I hope I can achieve the same level of drive that u have one day

The only thing that's driving me is an intense desire to leave, until then, all I'm doing is focusing on things that ease the pain. The source of this "drive" probably has quite a cost, and I don't know for how long it will last, and it's going to hurt like a bitch all the while. From a normal perspective, there is no upside here unfortunately. I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy.

I wish I knew more about you. Seeking a "drive" usually means you have somewhere you want to be, for me that's in the ground, I wonder what it is for you.

 

[eggsausagerice]

super comforting post. sometimes it feels like all i do is tweak and cry and want to hit myself. we're the same age, but i feel like people's mindsets when they're 18-20 are extremely varied. some people are really happy with their lives when they're 19 and some people are suicidally depressed and hate the idea of getting any older. i see some other posts from other 20 year olds and i feel a disconnect from them, since being in your early 20s has varying levels of emotional maturity, relationships, and life experience. when i was 19 i used to think a 20 year old girl i knew that smoked, drank, and worked 2 jobs was so much older than me. but she wasn't, she just lived a completely different life style than me that me. meanwhile, a 21 year old from my college has chronic illness problems that stop him from going to his classes or getting a job.

for most of my life, i never really wanted to succeed or live past 14, while simultaneously having wild dreams about running away from home at 18 and never seeing my parents again. these two perspectives on life always conflicted with each other, but i've always had both because a part of me keeps hoping for the good part of life. it's still hard to transition from seeing myself as an adult instead of a kid, since years of thinking i'm less than others makes me feel like i'm mentally younger than everyone else.

i'm proud that you're able to find a drive in life even it's based in eventually wanting to ctb. it's hard for a lot of people to find something that makes them want to keep going. there's always going to be an excess of time in life. it freaks me out knowing i could live for the next 30 years but still feel this unhappy.

 

[Vlad Tepes]

Yeah, I definitely feel like this is one of the few spaces where I can feel "at home". I know I dont have to hide anything from anybody, and I know that I dont have to expect dishonesty and platitudes from other people. I guess it's kind of like how soldiers bond during war. Ive been wanting to kill myself since I was 10, I tried at 15, and I tried again in August (Im currently 18). I can definitely relate to the "I wasnt supposed to make it this far" thing. As goofy as it sounds, I genuinely chalk my making it this far to irrational cowardice and laziness (mostly in the form of feeling like ctb would have been too much hassle without having a literal gun in my lap and thus not doing in depth research on methods and stuff).

 

[Isolatedloser]

I'm 19 and honestly not liking what the future could have in store.