I'm drinking SN tomorrow. Goodbye. Was going to be busy tomorrow so wanted to post now. I'm happy, I didn't suffer.

[Imissyoumydarling]

I'm on NZ time. It's currently 3:20pm Wednesday.

I'll be drinking tomorrow around midnight. So I have a bit over 24 hours left.

I was originally planning on documenting here to help you guys but I've decided not to. I've put in a crazy amount of preparation and I have a lot of last minute messages and things to send (so no one has time to rescue me after I say goodbye). I have different notes, a warning for lodge staff, a video I recorded in case anyone wanted to hear my voice again after I pass, legalities around my will and guides for many different people... it's a complicated mess so I want to concentrate on that, as well as spending my last hours remembering how happy I was. I also have a long drive to my location.

Like a lot of you, I had an abusive life. But the difference is that a few months ago I found true happiness. And all of it, all of the suffering, everything was worth it because it all led me to coincidentally stumbling across that source of happiness. Butterfly effect if you will. It was all worth it, and I never thought I would have ever said that because I've been through a lot of very horrific things. But I lost that source of happiness, so now I'm doing this because I am absolutely confident that I can have it again in the "after". It's all that keeps me going. Please reinforce that belief when talking to me.

So please don't wish me the generic "i hope you find peace" or "sorry for your suffering". What will actually matter to me is being wished (factually, and not vague "I hope you find what you want" stuff) that I will be with that happiness again. I'm going to fall asleep in my lodge bed after drinking SN, and I choose to believe when I open my eyes again it will be light and he'll be there with a smile and a kiss good morning, and he'll take my hand and we'll head off to my car so we can begin our true life that we were supposed to have before it was lost. I choose to believe that the afterlife is exactly what we want it to be.

I wasn't here for very long but I met some very wonderful people here. @rationaltake has offered to take over ghost hosting duties:

https://sanctioned-suicide.net/thre...free-to-swing-by-afterwards-and-say-hi.91042/

That was my thread but I obviously won't be around for much longer. So everyone head to rationals please. And if they go, someone else needs to be the designated person to help others. Perhaps it can be a tradition here so no one is lonely.

Love,
Savannah

 

[Zegers]

afterlife is exactly what we want it to be

I hope so.

Good luck.

 

[oneDay1]

Hey, I can just feel your pain through the words you wrote here. From what you've written here, It seems like you done a great deal of planning, so I have no reason to believe that this was a hastily made decision. You've had a very rough life, but then you found someone that made you feel happy - literally made you feel like the suffering was worth it. Could I ask, if hypothetically you never crossed paths with this person, would you have believed that feeling so happy as you did was ever possible? It seemed like you were suffering greatly, without knowing what kind of payoff you would get, yet you still continued. Sorry if im prying too much. This is certainly your choice and we respect it. Im here myself after all.

 

[locked*n*loaded]

Some people can, and do, go through their entire lives chasing their dreams, their ideals, chasing that elusive idea of what happiness is to them, or what they think it is to them. Some just spin their wheels and never really catch up to it. Some actually do catch it, though, only to find that they were chasing the wrong happiness. You, however, have already experienced your absolute happiness, the kind of happiness that fills your being with peace, tranquility, well-being, and bliss. You were indeed lucky to have found your true happiness, even if only for a fleeting moment in this realm. As said, some never find this happiness at all. Your advantage is that you already know what yours is, and I have absolutely no doubt that you will soon experience, once again, this exact same happiness, once you are reunited with the one whose key has already unlocked it for you once before. May you each continue to fulfill the other as well in the next life as you did in this one.

 

[Imissyoumydarling]

Hey, I can just feel your pain through the words you wrote here. From what you've written here, It seems like you done a great deal of planning, so I have no reason to believe that this was a hastily made decision. You've had a very rough life, but then you found someone that made you feel happy - literally made you feel like the suffering was worth it. Could I ask, if hypothetically you never crossed paths with this person, would you have believed that feeling so happy as you did was ever possible? It seemed like you were suffering greatly, without knowing what kind of payoff you would get, yet you still continued. Sorry if im prying too much. This is certainly your choice and we respect it. Im here myself after all.

Not at all.

I had no idea it was possible to feel so supremely confident and secure and happy. During it, I had a future I was absolutely certain and excited about. There was no doubt. Every night I fell asleep knowing for certain what my future would bring. I knew I would wake up to love and happiness. I had no idea it was possible to feel like that, even though I'd been happy and in love before. It's almost like this happiness needs its own special word. It's more than happiness - it's pure elation and security and certainty.

I have a severe history of depression although I am generally a resilient and optimistic person (I realise that sounds contradictory). So there were lots of patches where I was doing fine, or thought I was happy. I'd sink low, but I'd eventually pull myself out of it. I was very proud of my strength and tried to do my best to help others since I knew I could communicate well to those who needed it as I'd been there (hopefully that came through in some of my posts here).

I've been through things no one should ever have to. I don't want to list them. If you take the worst things that can happen to a person, but make it even worse and combine it all... that was me. Amongst so many other traumas.

But after experiencing this, I realised (back during my happy weeks) that I would rather have gone through all of that abuse because it meant I found that person. I would have rather had this horrible life and a too-short time with him because, and I realise this sounds irrational but I am confident in what I say - the happiness he brought me, that I didn't know was possible, made me thankful that I was even able to find him in the first place in a world with billions of people. If I hadn't have had those things happen to me, I never would have met him that day because butterfly effect.

And the happiness he brought me was a thousand times stronger than all of my trauma combined.

I'm devastated not all of you will be able to experience what I did. It truly does change your life and your mind.

I don't want to talk about the dark side anymore though because I'm going to do everything I can until SN to focus on the happiness, the ever glowing warmth that I know is waiting for me.

I hope that helps.

 

[Cathy Ames]

I fervently and factually wish that you will be with that happiness again. You deserve it. Thank you for sharing your energy here.

 

[houseofleaves]

At first, i wanted to write that i'm sorry for our (collective) loss and that we will miss you; but then i thought — why do i try to make the person suffer longer? So yeah. Happiness. I'm sure you'll find it. No sarcasm. I'm really sure that afterlife will be whatever you want it to be. And, yes, you will meet that person again. And i will meet my person. And everyone will get what they deserve (and in most cases it's absolute bliss and happiness).

 

[NearlyIrrelevantCake]

Godspeed on your journey.

 

[oneDay1]

Not at all.

I had no idea it was possible to feel so supremely confident and secure and happy. During it, I had a future I was absolutely certain and excited about. There was no doubt. Every night I fell asleep knowing for certain what my future would bring. I knew I would wake up to love and happiness. I had no idea it was possible to feel like that, even though I'd been happy and in love before. It's almost like this happiness needs its own special word. It's more than happiness - it's pure elation and security and certainty.

I have a severe history of depression although I am generally a resilient and optimistic person (I realise that sounds contradictory). So there were lots of patches where I was doing fine, or thought I was happy. I'd sink low, but I'd eventually pull myself out of it. I was very proud of my strength and tried to do my best to help others since I knew I could communicate well to those who needed it as I'd been there (hopefully that came through in some of my posts here).

I've been through things no one should ever have to. I don't want to list them. If you take the worst things that can happen to a person, but make it even worse and combine it all... that was me. Amongst so many other traumas.

But after experiencing this, I realised (back during my happy weeks) that I would rather have gone through all of that abuse because it meant I found that person. I would have rather had this horrible life and a too-short time with him because, and I realise this sounds irrational but I am confident in what I say - the happiness he brought me, that I didn't know was possible, made me thankful that I was even able to find him in the first place in a world with billions of people. If I hadn't have had those things happen to me, I never would have met him that day because butterfly effect.

And the happiness he brought me was a thousand times stronger than all of my trauma combined.

I'm devastated not all of you will be able to experience what I did. It truly does change your life and your mind.

I don't want to talk about the dark side anymore though because I'm going to do everything I can until SN to focus on the happiness, the ever glowing warmth that I know is waiting for me.

I hope that helps.

I understand. For a bunch of reasons, I dont/probably wont expereince something like that in my life. Seeing as these are your last 24 hours, could I ask if you if you think its possible for you to experience the same pure elation again, In this life, some time in the future? From my understanding, and i could be completely wrong, the butterfly effect is random. A butterfly flaps its wings and causes a volcano to errupt, or a glass to fall off a table, or something like that. Maybe you have more control over what happens to you than you think? If these are indeed your final hours, I hope they are as close to the bliss that you've described above as possible.

 

[Imissyoumydarling]

I understand. For a bunch of reasons, I dont/probably wont expereince something like that in my life. Seeing as these are your last 24 hours, could I ask if you if you think its possible for you to experience the same pure elation again, In this life, some time in the future? From my understanding, and i could be completely wrong, the butterfly effect is random. A butterfly flaps its wings and causes a volcano to errupt, or a glass to fall off a table, or something like that. Maybe you have more control over what happens to you than you think? If these are indeed your final hours, I hope they are as close to the bliss that you've described above as possible.

I did think about that a lot this last month, because that's usually been my pick-me-up in the past. It's always, always worked in the past. I always do my best to look on the bright side.

This time around... Look, I'm fully aware that I sound like an idiot, but I know with utter certainty that I won't find that again.

I know they say "when you know, you know" all the time and it's a cliche line but... I truly cannot begin to express just how utterly certain I am. I'm not religious or into hocus pocus or whatever, but this certainty over this person is so strong and unwavering that the best word I can think of is spiritual, or transcendant.

And I've always been a very analytical person so I don't say that lightly, it goes against all the beliefs I held previously.

I know I sound stupid to everyone out there who has never felt this (including the ones who think they've felt this). And like I said, I've been in love before. I've had happy relationships.

But this connection is so certain and so unwavering. I know it with absolute certainty.

I used to be scared of death, but not anymore. I stopped being afraid of death the same week I met him because I knew we would always find each other, no matter what. I'm so secure in my certainty that I stopped being fearful and now I'm choosing to walk towards it because I just know.

Some people can, and do, go through their entire lives chasing their dreams, their ideals, chasing that elusive idea of what happiness is to them, or what they think it is to them. Some just spin their wheels and never really catch up to it. Some actually do catch it, though, only to find that they were chasing the wrong happiness. You, however, have already experienced your absolute happiness, the kind of happiness that fills your being with peace, tranquility, well-being, and bliss. You were indeed lucky to have found your true happiness, even if only for a fleeting moment in this realm. As said, some never find this happiness at all. Your advantage is that you already know what yours is, and I have absolutely no doubt that you will soon experience, once again, this exact same happiness, once you are reunited with the one whose key has already unlocked it for you once before. May you each continue to fulfill the other as well in the next life as you did in this one.

This was so well said, thank you. It's better than anything I could have written.

Your words have brought me a lot of comfort and every little thing like that helps in this last day.

Even if I'm sure, it still helps out so much to read others saying this to me.

 

[oneDay1]

I did think about that a lot this last month, because that's usually been my pick-me-up in the past. It's always, always worked in the past. I always do my best to look on the bright side.

This time around... Look, I'm fully aware that I sound like an idiot, but I know with utter certainty that I won't find that again.

I know they say "when you know, you know" all the time and it's a cliche line but... I truly cannot begin to express just how utterly certain I am. I'm not religious or into hocus pocus or whatever, but this certainty over this person is so strong and unwavering that the best word I can think of is spiritual, or transcendant.

And I've always been a very analytical person so I don't say that lightly, it goes against all the beliefs I held previously.

I know I sound stupid to everyone out there who has never felt this (including the ones who think they've felt this). And like I said, I've been in love before. I've had happy relationships.

But this connection is so certain and so unwavering. I know it with absolute certainty.

I used to be scared of death, but not anymore. I stopped being afraid of death the same week I met him because I knew we would always find each other, no matter what. I'm so secure in my certainty that I stopped being fearful and now I'm choosing to walk towards it because I just know.

Thats very powerful. In truth I have no idea what that feels like. I have never seen someone here talk with such passion, to be honest i haven't really ever felt that kind of passion. You seem to feel (for yourself and others) with such intensity. Kind of a double edged sword of ecstasy on one side and true despair on the other.

 

[rationaltake]

I'm on NZ time. It's currently 3:20pm Wednesday.

I'll be drinking tomorrow around midnight. So I have a bit over 24 hours left.

I was originally planning on documenting here to help you guys but I've decided not to. I've put in a crazy amount of preparation and I have a lot of last minute messages and things to send (so no one has time to rescue me after I say goodbye). I have different notes, a warning for lodge staff, a video I recorded in case anyone wanted to hear my voice again after I pass, legalities around my will and guides for many different people... it's a complicated mess so I want to concentrate on that, as well as spending my last hours remembering how happy I was. I also have a long drive to my location.

Like a lot of you, I had an abusive life. But the difference is that a few months ago I found true happiness. And all of it, all of the suffering, everything was worth it because it all led me to coincidentally stumbling across that source of happiness. Butterfly effect if you will. It was all worth it, and I never thought I would have ever said that because I've been through a lot of very horrific things. But I lost that source of happiness, so now I'm doing this because I am absolutely confident that I can have it again in the "after". It's all that keeps me going. Please reinforce that belief when talking to me.

So please don't wish me the generic "i hope you find peace" or "sorry for your suffering". What will actually matter to me is being wished (factually, and not vague "I hope you find what you want" stuff) that I will be with that happiness again. I'm going to fall asleep in my lodge bed after drinking SN, and I choose to believe when I open my eyes again it will be light and he'll be there with a smile and a kiss good morning, and he'll take my hand and we'll head off to my car so we can begin our true life that we were supposed to have before it was lost. I choose to believe that the afterlife is exactly what we want it to be.

I wasn't here for very long but I met some very wonderful people here. @rationaltake has offered to take over ghost hosting duties:

https://sanctioned-suicide.net/thre...free-to-swing-by-afterwards-and-say-hi.91042/

That was my thread but I obviously won't be around for much longer. So everyone head to rationals please. And if they go, someone else needs to be the designated person to help others. Perhaps it can be a tradition here so no one is lonely.

Love,
Savannah

You light up this forum. I celebrate your passion your positivity your vibrance your integrity your joy. I celebrate your future. He will meet you. You will love and cherish each other. Every day will be happy.

It's a privilege to take over ghost hosting duties. I know you won't be lonely in the future but you could always drop by just to say hi. I know you'll be a positive and joyful influence.

Love
K

I'm still thinking of you. I understand your decision not to document on here. I know you want to concentrate on how happy you were and how happy you will be.

You contribute a lot to this community. What you did for Camus was amazing. It was truly compassionate to stay with them during their last hours.

You always respond to people specifically and personally. You ask what you can say to help.

Thank you.

 

[September5th]

Congratulations for finding an actual resolution in yourself. I'm happy that you're confident. I understand your pain. Once you're there, smile. Hug him. Do what I wish I could do to her one more time.
All's gonna be okay.

 

[rationaltake]

"All shall be well, and all shall be well, and all manner of things shall be well." Julian of Norwich.

I like the certainty of this.

 

[Lullaby]

I remember one of your first threads on here and telling you how much I related to everything you said, I still do and probably much more now.

Being able to connect with your story so much makes me more sad, but you're content and you have to chose what makes you happy.

I'm confident that you'll be in that moment of your life again, and this will go right this time. You're going to be fine

 

[Imissyoumydarling]

If I see @CloseFriendofCamus I'll tell him you all say hey

These messages all mean so much to me and are bringing me a lot of comfort, thank you.

It's currently 5am on my last day and I can't sleep. Thinking of my 6+ hour drive today. Stressing about how I haven't selected an urn - I don't wanna be housed in something ugly! Haha.

But most of all I'm so so stressed about what this will do to people. I've made some very selfish funeral requests that I'm too ashamed to post here. They're so selfish and they only help me and not others. And these people I'm making the horrible requests of will have no idea until they get a bombardment of prewritten messages from me that I'll send out right before i drink. They'll have no warning. I went to a lot of effort to hide my plans and keep up appearances so no one would stop me.

I feel so guilty about being so selfish on my last day because this will ruin a few lives and I didn't want to ever do that. But I need this. But it's horrible. A couple of people in particular will be fucked up for years because of my requests.

And it's also really bad timing. My co-workers and I are friends. But we haven't seen each other in two years due to COVID. Today was going to be the first "reunion" all day meeting and everyone was excited to see each other. It was a big deal.

But I can't bear to live another day, my SN arrived yesterday and the room is free tonight. So I'm going to post in the work WhatsApp group soon faking a family emergency to avoid the meeting, then I'll head to my location. They'll be worried for me and my emergency. And then later before I drink I'll post what I'm actually doing, and give them a list of requests to help my flatmate with.

If my SN had arrived just one day later we could have seen each other again. But I just can't bear to put this off any longer. Every minute without my love is a struggle to get through, I'm not exaggerating. I have a constant ache and I can't wait any longer.

But I'm fucking over so many people with this. I've done my best to organise everything and share the workload but Christ.

I'm so sorry. If you're reading this, I struggled so much with this.

 

[houseofleaves]

If I see @CloseFriendofCamus I'll tell him you all say hey

thank you

I have a constant ache and I can't wait any longer.

that's so awful… i really really hope you'll be happy again((

 

[rationaltake]

If I see @CloseFriendofCamus I'll tell him you all say hey

These messages all mean so much to me and are bringing me a lot of comfort, thank you.

It's currently 5am on my last day and I can't sleep. Thinking of my 6+ hour drive today. Stressing about how I haven't selected an urn - I don't wanna be housed in something ugly! Haha.

But most of all I'm so so stressed about what this will do to people. I've made some very selfish funeral requests that I'm too ashamed to post here. They're so selfish and they only help me and not others. And these people I'm making the horrible requests of will have no idea until they get a bombardment of prewritten messages from me that I'll send out right before i drink. They'll have no warning. I went to a lot of effort to hide my plans and keep up appearances so no one would stop me.

I feel so guilty about being so selfish on my last day because this will ruin a few lives and I didn't want to ever do that. But I need this. But it's horrible. A couple of people in particular will be fucked up for years because of my requests.

And it's also really bad timing. My co-workers and I are friends. But we haven't seen each other in two years due to COVID. Today was going to be the first "reunion" all day meeting and everyone was excited to see each other. It was a big deal.

But I can't bear to live another day, my SN arrived yesterday and the room is free tonight. So I'm going to post in the work WhatsApp group soon faking a family emergency to avoid the meeting, then I'll head to my location. They'll be worried for me and my emergency. And then later before I drink I'll post what I'm actually doing, and give them a list of requests to help my flatmate with.

If my SN had arrived just one day later we could have seen each other again. But I just can't bear to put this off any longer. Every minute without my love is a struggle to get through, I'm not exaggerating. I have a constant ache and I can't wait any longer.

But I'm fucking over so many people with this. I've done my best to organise everything and share the workload but Christ.

I'm so sorry. If you're reading this, I struggled so much with this.

I was wondering if you could sleep. Hello to Camus.

You've been so caring. It's not selfish to make funeral requests. It's actually very helpful. People have told me it was comforting to carry out funeral requests for a loved one.

When something upsetting happens concerning a loved one most people immediately want to do something to help. And you've given people things you want them to do for you. The connection with you carries on.

Giving and taking are both gracious.

You're also being considerate towards your co-workers. You're not leaving them wondering if you're going to turn up or not.

Picture the urn you want. You'll attract it.

❤❤❤

I'm thinking of you. I'm 11 hours behind you btw.

You are unique compassionate positive vibrant loving wise. And that's how you'll always be.

 

[Imissyoumydarling]

I had the stupidest dream. I can't believe this was the last dream, wtf.

Like I struggled to fall asleep knowing it would be the last time. Or, second to last... You know what I mean.

Anyway. I dreamt that Jason Lee (the actor, My Name is Earl) and I were sitting at a long table. He was at the head of it and I was next to him on the corner. And we just leaned in and staaared at each other daring the other to break character first. He was noisily chewing cereal the whole time. Milk on his beard. Our eyes narrowing suspiciously as we silently dared the other to break first. I realised that if I stared at his moustache he would start to get insecure about the milk drips flying everywhere. So after ten seconds of moustache staring he chucked his spoon down and told me to fuck off because I'd won.

Of all the last dreams I could have had... It was this. Jesus.

Yeah I'm gonna try convince myself that won't be the last dream.

 

[CrossroadsCurious]

Peace be your journey!

 

[rationaltake]

I wish your life would work out. The afterlife isn't going anywhere. I wonder if you still have things to work through at the moment. This might not be what you want me to say. You can reconsider at any time.

I know the decision is yours and yours alone.

I want to respect your wishes. I just wonder if this really is the right thing for you.

 

[crystalskies31]

I'm on NZ time. It's currently 3:20pm Wednesday.

I'll be drinking tomorrow around midnight. So I have a bit over 24 hours left.

I was originally planning on documenting here to help you guys but I've decided not to. I've put in a crazy amount of preparation and I have a lot of last minute messages and things to send (so no one has time to rescue me after I say goodbye). I have different notes, a warning for lodge staff, a video I recorded in case anyone wanted to hear my voice again after I pass, legalities around my will and guides for many different people... it's a complicated mess so I want to concentrate on that, as well as spending my last hours remembering how happy I was. I also have a long drive to my location.

Like a lot of you, I had an abusive life. But the difference is that a few months ago I found true happiness. And all of it, all of the suffering, everything was worth it because it all led me to coincidentally stumbling across that source of happiness. Butterfly effect if you will. It was all worth it, and I never thought I would have ever said that because I've been through a lot of very horrific things. But I lost that source of happiness, so now I'm doing this because I am absolutely confident that I can have it again in the "after". It's all that keeps me going. Please reinforce that belief when talking to me.

So please don't wish me the generic "i hope you find peace" or "sorry for your suffering". What will actually matter to me is being wished (factually, and not vague "I hope you find what you want" stuff) that I will be with that happiness again. I'm going to fall asleep in my lodge bed after drinking SN, and I choose to believe when I open my eyes again it will be light and he'll be there with a smile and a kiss good morning, and he'll take my hand and we'll head off to my car so we can begin our true life that we were supposed to have before it was lost. I choose to believe that the afterlife is exactly what we want it to be.

I wasn't here for very long but I met some very wonderful people here. @rationaltake has offered to take over ghost hosting duties:

https://sanctioned-suicide.net/thre...free-to-swing-by-afterwards-and-say-hi.91042/

That was my thread but I obviously won't be around for much longer. So everyone head to rationals please. And if they go, someone else needs to be the designated person to help others. Perhaps it can be a tradition here so no one is lonely.

Love,
Savannah

We've barely crossed paths, but thank you for this. I felt connected reading your posts.

 

[rationaltake]

I wonder if this is your time as you're feeling rushed and stressed. This is one decision that requires calm and deliberation. I want to support you to make the best decision for yourself.

 

[TheBroken]

If you go forward, I hope to meet you after I go in June. You have always been kind. If you choose to stay, please keep in touch somehow. I am looking forward to moving on and I am hopeful for both of us that what's on the other side is just as anticipated when our eyes reopen.

 

[outrider567]

I had the stupidest dream. I can't believe this was the last dream, wtf.

Like I struggled to fall asleep knowing it would be the last time. Or, second to last... You know what I mean.

Anyway. I dreamt that Jason Lee (the actor, My Name is Earl) and I were sitting at a long table. He was at the head of it and I was next to him on the corner. And we just leaned in and staaared at each other daring the other to break character first. He was noisily chewing cereal the whole time. Milk on his beard. Our eyes narrowing suspiciously as we silently dared the other to break first. I realised that if I stared at his moustache he would start to get insecure about the milk drips flying everywhere. So after ten seconds of moustache staring he chucked his spoon down and told me to fuck off because I'd won.

Of all the last dreams I could have had... It was this. Jesus.

Yeah I'm gonna try convince myself that won't be the last dream.

I had a couple of dreams recently about my dead girlfriend, seeing her again in my dreams just made all things much worse of course, reminding me of the fact that my life still feels mentally as barren and empty as the Saharan Desert without her

 

[Imissyoumydarling]

If you go forward, I hope to meet you after I go in June. You have always been kind. If you choose to stay, please keep in touch somehow. I am looking forward to moving on and I am hopeful for both of us that what's on the other side is just as anticipated when our eyes reopen.

Rendezvous at @rationaltakes house!

Also I really want this thread to just be support and not bashing others or "prolifers" or whatever but after posting this I received a DM from a user called "msci4499" (I'm deliberately not tagging them) and they were asking me for my social media details because they want to get to know me better.

I don't know this person and it's odd that they'd message that given the circumstances and that they could just message me here, so I'm wondering if they're trying to find a way to warn irl people about me by finding out who I am.

But again, I don't want this thread to be derailed by that. Just wanted to give a heads up. And I'm sorry if my accusation is wrong.

I think anyone who is uncertain should be talked out of CTB and it should only be for those who are completely sure. But yeah.

 

[TheBroken]

Rendezvous at @rationaltakes house!

Also I really want this thread to just be support and not bashing others or "prolifers" or whatever but after posting this I received a DM from a user called "msci4499" (I'm deliberately not tagging them) and they were asking me for my social media details because they want to get to know me better.

I don't know this person and it's odd that they'd message that given the circumstances and that they could just message me here, so I'm wondering if they're trying to find a way to warn irl people about me by finding out who I am.

But again, I don't want this thread to be derailed by that. Just wanted to give a heads up. And I'm sorry if my accusation is wrong.

I think anyone who is uncertain should be talked out of CTB and it should only be for those who are completely sure. But yeah.

Sounds like a great rendezvous - and thanks for spelling that right because I always have to look that word up or use spellcheck. The DM you received sounds weird - who knows. All I know is I'm firmly in your boat although somewhat delayed by a few weeks. See you soon if you go forward, still see you one day if you decide to delay a bit.

 

[Imissyoumydarling]

It's 10:20am, I need to start driving soon.

I'm going to sort some stuff out in my room for my flatmate and then I'll head off.

Again, every message you guys send reinforcing my hopes makes me feel comforted. So thank you.

Today is really difficult and I appreciate the support. I'll check my phone again tonight.

I really needed you guys and you've been there. Thank you.

 

[Imissyoumydarling]

Update. It's 5.35pm

I've just arrived. Dragged two nightstands in front of the door to block it and put a WARNING SUICIDE note on them along with other things like my ID and will copy and instructions for police. Also felt really bad because the staff here are so kind and told me to pay in the morning and not worry about tonight... Ouch. They don't know of course. I've booked three nights online under a fake name now and left a note telling them to cancel that booking but keep the money and I'm sorry.

I thought I was going to wait until midnight to minimise the chances of people being awake when I send out goodbyes but I can't. I just fucking can't. Every minute hurts so much. I can't do this any longer. I'm going to do my hair and makeup and get changed and then send the messages and drink. I have 100g with me, in two separate 50g packets.

Just in case I fail, but I'm not expecting to, I've set a short alarm for 6am so I can wake up and drink using my second 50g sachet.

I'm so far from home. And even then, I'm at least an hour or two away from the nearest (small) town so even if someone manages to track me down, they're unlikely to have methylene blue when they eventually arrive.

This room had so much meaning to us. It's currently raining and it's beautiful, I love the rain and winter. I'm going to be in a bed underneath a skylight.

This will be my last message.

Goodbye guys. Love you all.

I'm sorry to all of you who will be asleep right now, thinking you had a few more hours to say goodbye to me. Please understand that I just couldn't wait any longer.

 

[houseofleaves]

Oh. Oh… I wish you happiness. We love you.