Venting I feel like I'm wasting my chance to be reborn into a better life and I'm scared

[Misanthrope0000]

I had this solid belief for almost a year now, that if I die, I will be reborn into a better life to be given the chance to live a more privileged life where I could experience happiness and everything that I wasn't able to express in this shitty life as a NEET 20 yo loser in a third world country living in poverty where even my basic hobbies like going to concerts of my favorite bands or being fashionable isn't accessible.
I have this belief that if I die very young, somewhere under 30 or early 30s, whether it's from a disease or suicide, I'll be reborn into a life that is way better than this, to be given a chance to live a real life after they saw how much I suffered in this shithole and wasting my youth in my room, with severe social anxiety, surrounded by poverty and a culture that hates me, absolutely no real romance or sex life.
By living more and more I'm afraid that they'll notice that I settled for this life despite suffering and being suicidal, if I actually don't die before the age deadline, then I won't be given the chance to live my dream life, and it's really depressing and scary, what if I live over 30 and my next life is even worse? Or I get a similar life to this since it didn't destroy me enough to take my own life?
The only reason why I'm alive is because there's no guns here, all other attempts are doomed to fail, our buildings aren't tall enough to die and I'm afraid of ending up disabled, I don't wanna waste my chance living this life when I know that a better life is waiting for me, if only I could escape this cursed body.

And also I'm not really religious, this is just a belief that I developed after being suicidal for too long without any successful attempts,, I didn't see this belief anywhere, it's something that my mind came up with I guess, if people can believe in a paradise where they get 72 virgins or a heaven where they're reunited with god and their loved ones, then nothing is stopping me from believing in my own beliefs too, though I really don't want any religious lecture from any religious group or even atheists, I just wanna vent. I'm really scared, I don't wanna waste my chance living this shitty life, I really need to escape, but I'm so terrified of failing. I feel so empty and going insane

 

[U. A.]

I'm afraid that they'll notice that I settled for this life

who are "they"? how do you know the golden ticket isn't to die at exactly 6:24am on march 22, 2043?

your own awareness that you literally made this up out of nothing isn't to be discounted. it could just as well be the case that suffering as long as possible and dying by any reason other than your own hand in your admittedly difficult-sounding situation is the path to a better future turn in the game of existence.
hell, most religions reward suffering and "sticking it out", not quitting your turn early...

 

[pastalover]

it's usually the opposite my guy. hence why I haven't gone through the act. more like a "you think your life is bad?" from God than anything; why would He realistically give you a better life if you're taking your current one for granted. if anything you and I will be fucked over and get born in torture camps

 

[eupdplishlp]

aparently those reborn are those who still have a lesson to be learnt. if you have learnt your lesson you will return back to your origional dimension and be free of the earth challenge, theoratically that is, pm for more details

 

[whyyyyyyyy]

I have to say I relate strongly to this kind of thinking.

Like, as if I have passed the ideal deadline to kill myself where, had I done so as was meant by the hopeful plan of the masters up above, I would've been reborn into an upgraded life where many if not all of my problems are fixed. And I have totally dropped the ball, and the longer I wait, the worse it's getting, the more I'm staying overexposed to this shitty life, and the less I'm saving myself from than if I had just killed myself when I was really young. But the thing that has bogged me down is doubt, and the genuine reservation of thinking "I really don't know what will happen".

I feel paralyzed and I'm still here because I'm too scared/wise to believe blindly, I know I know nothing, yet at the same time it feels incredibly true that what was really meant to happen was that I made a clean break at a young age, spared myself a lot of strife, and been reborn into a better existence. And like a fool, I'm still here, just putting with up with a kind of terrible existence.

I imagine, or rather genuinely feel, like people can see the predicament I am in, and having already made the leap that I currently refuse to take, can't help but laugh at me behind my back, because I'm missing out so badly, suffering so much, enduring such a laughably sad and unsatisfactory existence, dealing day to day with all these burdensome and imaginary problems, because I'm a coward.

But still I don't really know, so here I am, still doubting, still dragging through crappy life, just like you. But you don't even exist, and I don't exist for you. We're both respective figments of our own private imagination/dream, and yet we're commiserating as if we're real, which is as silly as feeling guilty for or being in love with an imaginary friend, and settling for that, instead of being happy for real somehow, in some way that we're missing out on. FOMO is as good a reason as any for suicide, as weird as that statement sounds. "I'm missing out on so much in life, the solution is to end my life entirely"? Sounds crazy, but it might just be correct. If you die, maybe you at least aren't having the experience of missing out on anything anymore, or maybe even better you get to a better life, you somehow kill/shed the crud that was making you broken in this life, and finally feel really, actually better, not just fake better, but truly, honestly better.