Venting I'm done

[gayboy300]

I went through about a four week long depressive episode and things really seemed to be getting better for the last week or two until tonight. Tonight, I've been thinking about how fucking lonely I am and how this has been a recurring theme in my life for nearly a decade, from the start of middle school up until now in my junior year of college. I know I'm the issue, I've gone through multiple friend groups over the years and I don't know why. I don't know what I'm doing wrong or what's wrong with me or why I do the things I do, all I know is I'm the common denominator.

I'm just done. I'm done holding out hope for things to get better, I'm done trying to improve my social life and make friends, I'm done dealing with body dysmorphia and the host of other mental problems that I'm suffering with, I'm done. Clearly things don't get better, at least not permanently. I'm done going through these cycles of happy-depressed-happy, it's so fucking tiring.

During my depressive episode, I put some crypto into a wallet with the intention of buying SN but I left it there just in case things got better. Like I said, things genuinely were improving for the last two weeks, but tonight is my tipping point. I'm buying the SN and expanding on my plan that I drafted. I want nothing more than to trade my existence in this world for an eternity of nothingness where I don't have to feel this way ever again.

 

[avalokitesvara]

Life is so cruel and bleak. It's not fair that you have suffered so much. I wish I could say hold on for something better, but really sometimes it's too much to ask someone to keep hanging on for a hope that keeps getting crushed over and over. Wishing you relief from your suffering