Venting i’m done with taking care of myself

[annoyed]

i don't see the point of doing anything for myself because self-care for me is to the point of feeling performative and not genuine. i've hurt myself so many times and don't clean properly, i don't express boundaries, it's hard to brush my teeth, clean my apartment. haven't got my haircut in almost a year. i could keep going on but this isn't an original experience so you probably get it. i'm honestly just living day by day and abusing my dopamine receptors, but the weird part is that it honestly feels good for my life to be driven into the ground like it's fate for me. it's helping with coming to terms of death and i don't feel scared anymore to die at my own hands, so these thoughts are motivating me to start saving for my escape plan again.

 

[stardewwindceres]

I relate to this so much.

 

[purpp37]

Brushing my teeth for the first time in a week and having a shower after a few days and using shampoo felt exhausting. I just need to shave next and I've been holding off on that for weeks, I don't have the motivation to do anything except blast my brain into oblivion and drink and pop pills until I pass out hoping this time it'll kill me but I never do

 

[woodlandcreature]

I haven't brushed my teeth in like a year (heavy smoker as well). I take showers like biweekly? I don't have the capacity to really keep track anymore. I try to wipe myself down so I don't smell like ass, but even that is exhausting. My hair is long and completely matted. I live surrounded by filth. I'm going to be dead soon, so why does it matter? I can be as disgusting as I want no one cares. No one notices (if they do like I said, they don't give a shit). Actively self-sabotaging always.
I agree, it does feel good in a way. Like I can breathe for the first time in a long time knowing I won't have to be in this world for much longer. I don't have to try so hard anymore. I tried so hard for my whole life, and now I can start to rest. Hopefully soon, I will be eternally at peace.

 

[joey2424]

I relate to this. I also view life even for "regular"/"happy" people as just a constant never ending cycle of "taking care of yourself", they're just better at it. Just exhausting and eternally pointless.

 

[eggsausagerice]

sometimes it gets so bad that i wish that could self-sabotage into hell and die. being alive and living with the misery i caused myself and a situation i can't control just makes me wish i was dead. aimlessly crying and trying to hang myself whenever i'm stressed. not eating. isolating but wanting to get too close to people. i am a disaster person. the people that tell me "it gets better" don't understand at all. i keep thinking about mehods because it's the only thing i can understand when i'm breaking down. there's no comforting thoughts or coping mechanism for me to turn to.

 

[SmellsLikeNapalm]

Incredbily real

I just let the rot consume me

 

[Artemus]

sometimes it gets so bad that i wish that could self-sabotage into hell and die. being alive and living with the misery i caused myself and a situation i can't control just makes me wish i was dead. aimlessly crying and trying to hang myself whenever i'm stressed. not eating. isolating but wanting to get too close to people. i am a disaster person. the people that tell me "it gets better" don't understand at all. i keep thinking about mehods because it's the only thing i can understand when i'm breaking down. there's no comforting thoughts or coping mechanism for me to turn to.

I made a dumb decision that turned my life upside down. The regret have been eating away at me. At times all I did was mostly read stuff on the site. There is also times where I would sit in bed and do nothing because I wouldn't feel like doing anything. I used to play video games alot but the depression made me not want to. My parents still care about me alot which makes it hard to ctb. Its got to the point that trying to find ways to kill myself has become a hobby for me.

 

[Lostsoul333]

I relate to all of this. Living is exhausting and repetitive. I'm tired of it all.