I’m catching the bus a little early

[Abyssal]

Yep it's time and it's impulsive as shit. If you wanna talk me out of it I guess I give permission? Might not work but I'm really going against my own morals here and it's really ahead of schedule. I am doing night night and I just found my arteries and let me tell you I'm really ready. It didn't hurt, si didn't kick in AT ALL and I'm really really happy I found them.

I think I fucled up in practice because I can't feel my right pinky finger nor can I hardly move it. I guess as far as damage goes that's pretty minor but maybe it's a sign that I'm ready. Might also be temporary who knows.

Why am I doing it now? I've spent the last 2 weeks working tirelessly at my job just to go home and sleep and do it all over again and I can't keep it together. Now my mother picked out a university to go to and I have a deadline to meet to apply and I am already struggling as is. I thought I had more time before I saw my future crash around me, I was already barely holding it together we just making ends meet, now I will take on ent and an extra workload? Hell no. I'm not spending another damn year wishing I was dead nor do I want to exist as an I'm happy failure either. All roads lead to stress and anxiety and insomnia. So it's time.

Don't follow me for my sake, I will save yall a seat but don't like mourn me or whatever. I've lived a regretless life and hate nobody.

Sorry I didn't make it to May 1st haha

 

[MrFreshTheCat]

can i pm you?

 

[Abyssal]

@MrFreshTheCat pms welcome from anyone.

if I don't respond sorry. I'm going to be alive for a bit longer for a few reasons plus si is reaching for excuses and everything I don't know. I'm a disaster right now so take anything I say with a grain of salt.

 

[AveMori]

Yep it's time and it's impulsive as shit. If you wanna talk me out of it I guess I give permission? Might not work but I'm really going against my own morals here and it's really ahead of schedule. I am doing night night and I just found my arteries and let me tell you I'm really ready. It didn't hurt, si didn't kick in AT ALL and I'm really really happy I found them.

I think I fucled up in practice because I can't feel my right pinky finger nor can I hardly move it. I guess as far as damage goes that's pretty minor but maybe it's a sign that I'm ready. Might also be temporary who knows.

Why am I doing it now? I've spent the last 2 weeks working tirelessly at my job just to go home and sleep and do it all over again and I can't keep it together. Now my mother picked out a university to go to and I have a deadline to meet to apply and I am already struggling as is. I thought I had more time before I saw my future crash around me, I was already barely holding it together we just making ends meet, now I will take on ent and an extra workload? Hell no. I'm not spending another damn year wishing I was dead nor do I want to exist as an I'm happy failure either. All roads lead to stress and anxiety and insomnia. So it's time.

Don't follow me for my sake, I will save yall a seat but don't like mourn me or whatever. I've lived a regretless life and hate nobody.

Sorry I didn't make it to May 1st haha

You are probably the first person CTBing that I actually remember seeing around the server a lot. I only became active relatively easily, but I read a lot of smart and compassionate replies you gave to people all around the forums. Don't feel bad about not being able to make it to your original time, you deserve to leave how, when and where you want. I will light a candle for you tonight.

 

[John Clare]

I do want being able to PM too, but unfortunately I don't have the permission, cause I don't post too often.

 

[carac]

You could at least give trying living as a happy failure a chance, you never know you might like it.

 

[_Broken_alice]

Sorry your life came to this. It isn't fair. If you choose to go, we hope it is peaceful.

 

[nightlygem]

Please be safe… I wish you nothing but love.

 

[Princess_Kitty]

I'm still pretty new to this community, but since then I've seen you a lot everywhere on here. Thanks for being a part of this community.

I want to wish you best of luck on your final trip and hope you find the peace that you've been looking for.

 

[SaveOurLastGoodbye]

Though I am new here and I don't know you I too would like to wish you good luck and goodbye. This life is a cruel and depressing place. May you rest in peace, and I hope that you are in a better place now.

 

[Redacted24]

Words aren't coming to me. You've been such a special community member in your short time here... I'm so very sorry it's your time but yes, please do save a seat. I hope your bus is an express one, and your trip is smooth. Good journey!

 

[Abyssal]

Guess I'll think aloud on here since I can't to anyone else: SI is different than expected. I recognize impulsivity is against my morals and I am dying in a way I swore to myself I wouldn't, so my brain is telling me to wait. That and we all know nn rarely works so I swore to have a back up plan as to avoid living with the consequences of cutting my blood supply. I don't want to cry wolf, but the brain is good at surviving. It's like I'm seeing signs to live everywhere I go but my brain is in turmoil. I'm giving it time since I am acting against what I stand for.

I can feel my finger again, but my jaw hurts. The feeling of blacking out wasn't the head exploding feeling, though, it was quite euphoric!

 

[breezeboy]

I'm really sorry things have gotten worse for you.
I noticed you joined the site after I had been lurking for a couple months and you always stuck out to me because your ctb date is exactly one week before when i want to. April 24th.
Your presence on the site has been comforting and I'm sad to see you go. I respect you.

If you're going to make an attempt please don't rush it. You don't deserve the consequences of a failed attempt.

 

[LifeOfTheCursed]

Few hours away of doing it myself and i see you doing it early. I hope i'll be seeing you on the other side, and the GOOD SIDE of whatever comes after death.
Try relaxing a little bit, calm down your heartbeats until your mind is all clear. I don't blame you for doing it early, i'm the opposite i'm doing it later than what i was planning lmao. But i do understand not wanting to live anymore because you feel like if you keep living you'll lock yourself in a situation you feel like you CAN'T escape from. It's the same for me and my deadline is today.

I hope the best comes your way, i don't know you much. I've wrote my first posts, stayed for a while and unlogged the night i tried to hang myself. But you do feel like one of the ogs of this forum, and your pressence will certainly be missed

 

[Celerity]

If you have any lingering doubts at all, I would stop.

 

[logi3535]

I've seen you around in the forums and in chat for a while and i think you're pretty cool so seeing this kind of worried me. I can understand impulsivity a lot, i've been impulsive pretty much my entire life so i definitly understand the feeling of wanting to ctb early only to realize maybe the time isnt right just yet, if you have any doubts now then I don't think it's time. Either way, just take your time and I hope it all works out for you, in life or in death

 

[Anri_wants_peace]

❤

 

[rozeske]

Guess I'll think aloud on here since I can't to anyone else: SI is different than expected. I recognize impulsivity is against my morals and I am dying in a way I swore to myself I wouldn't, so my brain is telling me to wait. That and we all know nn rarely works so I swore to have a back up plan as to avoid living with the consequences of cutting my blood supply. I don't want to cry wolf, but the brain is good at surviving. It's like I'm seeing signs to live everywhere I go but my brain is in turmoil. I'm giving it time since I am acting against what I stand for.

I can feel my finger again, but my jaw hurts. The feeling of blacking out wasn't the head exploding feeling, though, it was quite euphoric!

You did the right thing by avoiding the impulsivity, it really doesn't seem like you. You deserve to go when you have made peace with your decision and your timing. It must be a relief on its own knowing you have your method working and sensing that euphoric feeling. I hope your jaw feels better soon. And whenever and whatever you decide on I hope you find your peace and freedom soon. You are one of the members who will dearly be missed around here

 

[Praestat_Mori]

I'm sorry you have a rough time. I wish you all the best with whatever you decide to do. I'm sorry your mom puts additional pressure on you, that's awful. I send you a BIG virtual HUG

 

[cryone]

Came late. hope you made it out well even if it was semi-impulsive. ive recognized your profile here and you're pretty cool :)

 

[dinosavr]

So sorry things got to this point :( Whether you decide to do it or not, I hope you can find your peace!

 

[MatrixPrisoner]

Abyssal, if you're still around, I hope your are doing ok, no matter what you decide to do. It's not impulsive if you've been on SaSu this long mulling it over.

Only you can decide what is right and it is no one's place to steer you in either direction. But I will say that you are justified in not wanting trudge through the endless groundhog days of a dead end job and life any longer. I've been doing the same for a couple decades and wish I hadn't. Wish I would have ended it much sooner. Eternal freedom is such a no-brainer alternative.

If you go before us, you will be missed. I personally will be jealous of you until the day I go myself. You are a great contributor here.

 

[Dliena]

Sorry for everything and wishing you the best in whatever you choose.

 

[LaVieEnRose]

If you need to talk you are free to write me.

 

[leavingthesoultrap]

I don't know your situation.
But you said that your mom picked university for you and you have to apply.
You should take your time to get to a better place first mentally. And then decide yourself what do you want to study and if you even want to go to uni or college. To me it seems like you are really tired and need a break from everything.

 

[Abyssal]

Yeah false alarm. Well, it was real, but I didn't commit which was good. I think I would've messed it up.

In testing:
1. Sat on floor, neck stretched backward to look at ceiling.
2. Gently looked for pulsing in both sides of neck.
3. Press hard
4. Immediately realize I found them
5. let my vision go dark, took 5 seconds (?)
6. Let go
7. Worst headache if my life and intense brain fog. I recall begging for it to end. It took around 10 seconds.

That was pretty successful, but last night was different. I am working with what my body told me so take what I say with a grain of salt.

1. Sat on floor, neck stretch back to look at ceiling.
2. Searched for pulse and couldn't find it. Took me a solid 20 minutes of hard pressing.
3. Windpipe in pain, hands in pain, jaw in pain, I might as well be strangling myself.
4. Finally find it, but it takes about 5 seconds to register that I did. End up just putting up with the pain of compressing my windpipe.
5. My vision isn't going dark, but I start to lose feeling in my right hand (starting at the pinky finger) and my toes. It's not horribly painful, but it's a pins and needles feeling accompanied by lack of control.
6. Vision finally starts to turn black and white, my numb hand wasn't pressing very hard at this point (I realized this after) and it's very slow. It took probably 15 seconds just to start.
7. Let go.
8. No exploding head feeling, just focused on right hand and right foot.
9. Determine that i only really found my left artery to begin with, if i had hit my right one it wasn't compressed much. Could be wrong but i feel instinctually certain.
10. Takes 30 minutes to regain all feeling.
11. Many hours later my throat and jaw are still in pain. I can feel almost a phantom numbness in my hand if I think too hard, but that's probably psychological.

Overall last night wasn't a smooth attempt, I've successfully managed to practice correctly in the past but that didn't line up with what I remember. I am not willing to take that risk.

 

[Labyrinth]

Yeah false alarm. Well, it was real, but I didn't commit which was good. I think I would've messed it up.

In testing:
1. Sat on floor, neck stretched backward to look at ceiling.
2. Gently looked for pulsing in both sides of neck.
3. Press hard
4. Immediately realize I found them
5. let my vision go dark, took 5 seconds (?)
6. Let go
7. Worst headache if my life and intense brain fog. I recall begging for it to end. It took around 10 seconds.

That was pretty successful, but last night was different. I am working with what my body told me so take what I say with a grain of salt.

1. Sat on floor, neck stretch back to look at ceiling.
2. Searched for pulse and couldn't find it. Took me a solid 20 minutes of hard pressing.
3. Windpipe in pain, hands in pain, jaw in pain, I might as well be strangling myself.
4. Finally find it, but it takes about 5 seconds to register that I did. End up just putting up with the pain of compressing my windpipe.
5. My vision isn't going dark, but I start to lose feeling in my right hand (starting at the pinky finger) and my toes. It's not horribly painful, but it's a pins and needles feeling accompanied by lack of control.
6. Vision finally starts to turn black and white, my numb hand wasn't pressing very hard at this point (I realized this after) and it's very slow. It took probably 15 seconds just to start.
7. Let go.
8. No exploding head feeling, just focused on right hand and right foot.
9. Determine that i only really found my left artery to begin with, if i had hit my right one it wasn't compressed much. Could be wrong but i feel instinctually certain.
10. Takes 30 minutes to regain all feeling.
11. Many hours later my throat and jaw are still in pain. I can feel almost a phantom numbness in my hand if I think too hard, but that's probably psychological.

Overall last night wasn't a smooth attempt, I've successfully managed to practice correctly in the past but that didn't line up with what I remember. I am not willing to take that risk.

I'm feeling extreme agony reading all of this, as if it's distressing me too.

 

[ScubaCTB]

Glad you're still here. I haven't been on this forum very long. But you've been one of my favorites on here.

Sorry for the stupid question. But what is the night night method?

 

[Imprisoned]

Yeah false alarm. Well, it was real, but I didn't commit which was good. I think I would've messed it up.

In testing:
1. Sat on floor, neck stretched backward to look at ceiling.
2. Gently looked for pulsing in both sides of neck.
3. Press hard
4. Immediately realize I found them
5. let my vision go dark, took 5 seconds (?)
6. Let go
7. Worst headache if my life and intense brain fog. I recall begging for it to end. It took around 10 seconds.

That was pretty successful, but last night was different. I am working with what my body told me so take what I say with a grain of salt.

1. Sat on floor, neck stretch back to look at ceiling.
2. Searched for pulse and couldn't find it. Took me a solid 20 minutes of hard pressing.
3. Windpipe in pain, hands in pain, jaw in pain, I might as well be strangling myself.
4. Finally find it, but it takes about 5 seconds to register that I did. End up just putting up with the pain of compressing my windpipe.
5. My vision isn't going dark, but I start to lose feeling in my right hand (starting at the pinky finger) and my toes. It's not horribly painful, but it's a pins and needles feeling accompanied by lack of control.
6. Vision finally starts to turn black and white, my numb hand wasn't pressing very hard at this point (I realized this after) and it's very slow. It took probably 15 seconds just to start.
7. Let go.
8. No exploding head feeling, just focused on right hand and right foot.
9. Determine that i only really found my left artery to begin with, if i had hit my right one it wasn't compressed much. Could be wrong but i feel instinctually certain.
10. Takes 30 minutes to regain all feeling.
11. Many hours later my throat and jaw are still in pain. I can feel almost a phantom numbness in my hand if I think too hard, but that's probably psychological.

Overall last night wasn't a smooth attempt, I've successfully managed to practice correctly in the past but that didn't line up with what I remember. I am not willing to take that risk.

This sounds incredibly distressing and terrifying. I was honestly considering night night as well but from what you've said (about it rarely working) and from this, idk. I guess it's back to trying to get sn or n for me. Life is so unbelievably painful and gruesome im sorry you went through this

I'm feeling extreme agony reading all of this, as if it's distressing me too.

Me too....

Glad you're still here. I haven't been on this forum very long. But you've been one of my favorites on here.

Sorry for the stupid question. But what is the night night method?

The "night-night" method mega thread.

Hey everyone, Been talking to a lot of people in the chat and trying to explain this method, and one user wanted me to make a post about it, so here goes everything. We're going after a classic idea of using a blood choke, except, it will be against ourselves. In the privacy of our own...

sanctioned-suicide.net

It's this.

 

[ScubaCTB]

@Imprisoned re: "night night," that sounds complicated and unpleasant. @Abyssal there's gotta be a better way than that for you...?