Venting I'm cared about

[puella]

Today I felt extremely restless getting ready for therapy, and I left 3 hours early. I guess my therapist noticed me in the center's lobby, and she invited me to start my session early (30 minutes before we were scheduled). We talked for that time plus the hour we had scheduled, and then she got me snacks and kept trying to help me for a full extra hour.

She wants to help me; I genuinely feel cared about. I wish I could tell her what I think would help. I'm so lost, I feel like nothing will help, I just want to be saved.

We only see each other two more times before I plan to CTB. I'm being fully open an honest about how I feel right now, and I've told her my plan. She respects how I feel, but I know it's part of her job to preserve my life. I will likely have to lie and tell her I feel fine during our last session (maybe calling in sick, so I don't have to lie to someone I care about), or risk being hospitalized. She knows I don't have a method or plan to CTB where I currently am, but that I do where I'm flying to next week. I don't think she would want me to leave for that flight if I said I still plan to CTB the day before I would leave.

I wish I had more time, or there was actually something I could do to recover. But it's nice to feel cared about.

 

[movinout17]

I'm glad that you have a therapist that you can be honest with.
I also wish I knew what would help, and I feel like nothing would help.

My vent: I am cared about too. My parents would do anything for me. I think that they pray everyday for me while I'm here in residential treatment. It hurts, the suicide guilt hurts. But not being cared about would hurt more.

 

[AllCatsAreGrey]

I'm happy to hear that your therapist is able to provide that level of care. You deserve it!

Your thoughts around how to manage the last scheduled session are valid. I would also have a hard time lying, particularly after opening up and developing a connection.

Do you feel that calling out of your last scheduled session would raise flags? I could see the possibility. I would hate for that to backfire for you.

 

[Adûnâi]

Reminds me of my German teacher who is probably the best of the bunch here, but whose lessons I skip because I'm too depressed and/or lazy and because I seem to have gained sufficient points to pass. I respect her as a person, she's genuinely intelligent, but I'm placed here as effectively a prisoner, and I'm forced to behave as a cheater - not against her, but against her position.

So I have to abuse the kindness of the worthiest person here, yay.

 

[Praestat_Mori]

I wish I could tell her what I think would help.

I'm glad you have a therapist who obviously cares about you. What do you think would help? If I may ask that. If that's sth other than CTB you should be able to discuss that with your therapist.