Venting I'm Being Tortured Every Day

[Sonnenblume]

Just another boring vent, feel free to ignore.

I spent most of last night sobbing into my pillow from the nerve pain. Almost every night is like this, has been since around September. Some days I can't get out of bed, too weak. I don't bother seeing any doctors any more, they're all stingy assholes with pain medication. I used to take Gabapentin but the side effects are ungodly and it didn't help anyways. After my stay in the psych ward I want nothing to do with doctors or hospitals anyways, I'm afraid of saying the wrong thing and getting sent back. It was bad enough the first time, I can't take it again. Idk what the point in this post is. My life is horrifying but I'm so afraid of failing another suicide attempt I keep stopping myself. Last time I tried killing myself I projectile vomited blood for like an hour due to overdose. This is ridiculous, why am I trapping myself in such a horrible situation. Even a painful suicide isn't as bad as this, nowhere near it. Wtf am I doing...

 

[Safira]

Vents aren't boring to many, at least not to me. It's good to let emotions out or just to clear your mind and verbalise (albeit mentally) some thoughts. Lets you understand whether or not you truly believe some of the things you feel. Taking this time to put it out there, perhaps even just to yourself, is healthier than keeping it purely mental.

Now, i've not had personal experience with chronic pain (the closest i've come is a harsh harsh intestinal cramp for a day and a half) so i cannot truly relate, but i want you to know i really respect you for putting up with it for so long. You've got a lot more determination than i do.

I can't provide you with realistic advice, i'm not that experienced with medication and the like, but i feel like you're keeping yourself here because your body, as much as it's fighting, wants to keep you around. Survival instinct or whatever, there's a drive somewhere within you to keep going. As hard as it may be, focusing on that (perhaps you feel irrational) drive can push you to try, for example, going to the doctor's again. If they want to give you a checkup, purely focus on what you consider the worse pain (from what you wrote i'm assuming it's the physical) so later down the line when or if the pain is gone you have the choice once more to seek relief from your mental pain. You don't need to do both now or both ever, even one is a tough step and intimidating, perhaps overwhelming. Just keep focused as much as you can on getting this pain lessened.

Second to worst case, and apologies for being cynical, there's lots of distractions you can try if you're feeling self-destructive before you ctb, such as drugs, drinking and the like. Can't get worse can it? May as well.

Sorry if this didn't help, i'd love to try and understand some more but it's okay if you don't feel comfortable sharing. I hope you can at least enjoy several minutes free of pain in the future.

 

[Sonnenblume]

Fear of falling is what keeps me here, that's it. I've been distracting with everything under the sun for decades now. Thank you for your response :)

 

[GoneSeptember2018]

Bump

 

[FullFat]

Just another boring vent, feel free to ignore.

I spent most of last night sobbing into my pillow from the nerve pain. Almost every night is like this, has been since around September. Some days I can't get out of bed, too weak. I don't bother seeing any doctors any more, they're all stingy assholes with pain medication. I used to take Gabapentin but the side effects are ungodly and it didn't help anyways. After my stay in the psych ward I want nothing to do with doctors or hospitals anyways, I'm afraid of saying the wrong thing and getting sent back. It was bad enough the first time, I can't take it again. Idk what the point in this post is. My life is horrifying but I'm so afraid of failing another suicide attempt I keep stopping myself. Last time I tried killing myself I projectile vomited blood for like an hour due to overdose. This is ridiculous, why am I trapping myself in such a horrible situation. Even a painful suicide isn't as bad as this, nowhere near it. Wtf am I doing...

I'm so sorry about the pain meds. This opioid crisis is more about moral panic than it is compassion or shutting down predatory, corporatist doctors/pharmaceuticals.