Help Every year again - My birthday and suicidal thoughts

[HangingBlossom]

Hej hej,

My name is Linnéa – and to be honest, I don't really know how to begin.

I'm sitting in a quiet corner of the university, the sun is shining on my face, and across from me sits my best friend from my studies. She has no idea what I'm writing right now. And maybe that's for the best, because I promised my loved ones I wouldn't read or post on threads like this anymore. But my mental health struggles, which have been weighing heavily on me again, have led me back here.

Tomorrow is my birthday – and for weeks now, a deep inner emptiness has been spreading inside me, slowly eating away at my soul. In the past few days, suicidal thoughts have been getting louder again, even though, objectively speaking, there are no "reasonable" reasons for them. I had once planned to die on my 18th birthday. I even tried – multiple times. But by God's intervention, and maybe a bit of luck, I'm still here.

I live with a particular form of borderline personality disorder. The first signs appeared when I was still in elementary school. It often only takes small things, small incidents, to throw me completely off course. When that happens, I feel the urge to tie something tightly around my neck until it hurts, until I feel dizzy or can't breathe.

Around my birthday, these feelings become especially strong. Getting older triggers a whole cascade of thoughts:
No long-term relationship. No children of my own. Years left of university and teacher training. My best friend, who currently doesn't have the strength to message me, and is once again lost in platforms like SaSu ...

And yet: deep down, I know I don't truly want to die.
I have friends and family who love me – even with my mood swings and emotional outbursts.
I'm succeeding in my teaching degree and have been confirmed to continue working as a substitute teacher next school year.
I even had a beautiful date yesterday – I don't know if it will lead to something serious, but it was a bright, hopeful moment.

And still, those dark thoughts creep in when I look at myself in the mirror. I'm afraid of losing control. That's why I asked my best friend to stay with me until Wednesday night. On Thursday, I'll go home to my family – my little sister will unknowingly help keep me safe through the night. Then there's just Friday left. We'll be celebrating my birthday together with my cousin's. I already see myself standing there in my white and pink floral dress, eyes swollen from crying – and if anyone asks why I'm crying, I'll say: from joy.

But damn it – what's wrong with me?
Why does the thought of hanging myself keep coming back?
Why do I feel the urge every day to strangle myself until I nearly pass out?
How do I make this stop?

I am totally desperate.

Hej då
din Linnéa

 

[MeSauce]

I am of the opinion that giving up is one of the only sensible options. That's the way I feel about myself and how I feel everyone else should feel. There is no god, no afterlife, we're here by pure luck and if anyone is having anything less than a perfect life they should just give up. Why struggle when everyone goes to the grave eventually? In the end, live if you want to live, die if you want to die. There is pain that comes from being stuck in-between.

How do you make the thoughts stop? Let me counter that question with another, do you want to live?

And yet: deep down, I know I don't truly want to die.

Or do you just want to kill the feelings?

 

[HangingBlossom]

Thank you very much for your feedback.

German blood runs through my veins from my father, and Swedish blood from my mother.
Giving up without a fight has never been an option for me – it's simply not in my nature.
Deep down, I can still feel the will to live. I am a person of strong faith, and I truly believe: God wants me to live, even if I don't understand why – or what I'm being punished for.

And besides, I can't just die. My family – especially my little sister – needs me.
I just want this emptiness to end. The constant panic attacks. The sudden emotional swings. The urge to strangle myself. The thoughts of death.
I just want it all to stop, but I don't know how. I don't have the energy to go to psychological treatment on my own. Besides, I can't let my family know about it, because the consequences would be just as severe as being in a closed institution.

 

[UselessMF]

I'm seeing myself reading your posts. Will be 37 years old next week and I'm pretty sure if I look at my login data on this site it will be around the same time each year. I did my first and only suicide attempt 23 years ago at 14 (I know really young).

Life have been a roller coaster with big ups and big downs. I have been somewhat successful in life, have 2 kids that I love, making good pay at work. But for some reasons or mental health issues that I don't know I've always had that pain of living that eat me from the inside.

I don't know how much longer I will survive this but what I can tell you is follow your instinct. Life will bring you some beautiful moments but will get you through hell too. It's incredible how our mind works and it doesn't matter if youre rich or poor, successful or failed, it's always your mind that control your destiny. It's painful and seems unmanageable.

Hoping the best for you and don't give up if theres still some light that get through your dark clouded mind.

 

[bl33ding_heart]

Hej hej,

My name is Linnéa – and to be honest, I don't really know how to begin.

I'm sitting in a quiet corner of the university, the sun is shining on my face, and across from me sits my best friend from my studies. She has no idea what I'm writing right now. And maybe that's for the best, because I promised my loved ones I wouldn't read or post on threads like this anymore. But my mental health struggles, which have been weighing heavily on me again, have led me back here.

Tomorrow is my birthday – and for weeks now, a deep inner emptiness has been spreading inside me, slowly eating away at my soul. In the past few days, suicidal thoughts have been getting louder again, even though, objectively speaking, there are no "reasonable" reasons for them. I had once planned to die on my 18th birthday. I even tried – multiple times. But by God's intervention, and maybe a bit of luck, I'm still here.

I live with a particular form of borderline personality disorder. The first signs appeared when I was still in elementary school. It often only takes small things, small incidents, to throw me completely off course. When that happens, I feel the urge to tie something tightly around my neck until it hurts, until I feel dizzy or can't breathe.

Around my birthday, these feelings become especially strong. Getting older triggers a whole cascade of thoughts:
No long-term relationship. No children of my own. Years left of university and teacher training. My best friend, who currently doesn't have the strength to message me, and is once again lost in platforms like SaSu ...

And yet: deep down, I know I don't truly want to die.
I have friends and family who love me – even with my mood swings and emotional outbursts.
I'm succeeding in my teaching degree and have been confirmed to continue working as a substitute teacher next school year.
I even had a beautiful date yesterday – I don't know if it will lead to something serious, but it was a bright, hopeful moment.

And still, those dark thoughts creep in when I look at myself in the mirror. I'm afraid of losing control. That's why I asked my best friend to stay with me until Wednesday night. On Thursday, I'll go home to my family – my little sister will unknowingly help keep me safe through the night. Then there's just Friday left. We'll be celebrating my birthday together with my cousin's. I already see myself standing there in my white and pink floral dress, eyes swollen from crying – and if anyone asks why I'm crying, I'll say: from joy.

But damn it – what's wrong with me?
Why does the thought of hanging myself keep coming back?
Why do I feel the urge every day to strangle myself until I nearly pass out?
How do I make this stop?

I am totally desperate.

Hej då
din Linnéa

Are you currently getting any sort of professional help for your bpd?

 

[EternalShore]

Happy birthday Linnéa~ ^_^ In spite of all your fears, I really do hope you're able to enjoy it today with your best friend and also enjoy celebrating it together with your cousin and sister later too~ :)
Unfortunately, I get what you mean about many of the things you talk about~ :( while I don't have borderline personality disorder (probably), which sounds so awful to have dealt with since such a young age (D:), I do also feel absolutely terrible and awful about not being married yet nor having kids too~ :((( and yup... God wants to keep me here too... just to suffer ig~ >_< I got a teaching degree too! hehe~ Unfortunately, I'm too vulnerable(?) to be able to actually control the kids, even while subbing~ :( thankfully, your job at least seems more hopeful! Teehee~

 

[darksouls]

happy birthday
I am very sorry you have to go through all this
wish you the best
sending you hugs and love

 

[Vivissa]

For me, birthdays have been the worst days since I turned 13. People try to make you feel happier, but it often feels like they're just doing it to satisfy their own need for a sense of community — and that only makes it worse.
I just want to hurt myself because it's what I deserve, and the only thing that would truly give me peace — not a party.

 

[HangingBlossom]

Thank you so much, both for the birthday wishes and your thoughtful messages.

I actually had a wonderful birthday yesterday and didn't have a single moment to get lost in dark thoughts:
My best friend from university, who stayed overnight with me for safety reasons, first surprised me with a homemade birthday cake.
After lunch, she convinced me to skip the boring pedagogy lecture and go to the beach instead.
To my surprise, my uni friends were already waiting there, and we ended up having a small beach party with ice cream, beer, fish sandwiches, and little Swedish cheer flags that lasted well into the evening.
Honestly, I'm so incredibly grateful to my friends. I was moved to tears more than once — and this time, truly out of joy, not sadness.
Had I been alone yesterday, I don't know if I would've made it through the day. Even today, that dark emptiness feels like it has completely lifted.

I did my first and only suicide attempt 23 years ago at 14 (I know really young).

My first suicide attempt was when I was 12 years old, and from then on, there was at least one every year.
One of them was almost successful, if God hadn't intervened. I was as good as dead; the doctor at the time called it a medical miracle.
But I try, as best as I can, to forget all of it.

Are you currently getting any sort of professional help for your bpd?

As a child, I was in psychological treatment. After my nearly successful suicide attempt, I was briefly in a psychiatric clinic, until my father took me out of it against my mother's will. After that, I was sent several times during school holidays to questionable Christian self-help groups for two weeks at a time: wandering through the wilderness for days with strange characters and religious fanatics, getting eaten alive by mosquitoes, or spending hours praying to God and confessing sins in front of everyone.
Right now, though, I simply don't have time for therapy, I need to focus on my studies.
I also refuse to take antidepressants on principle. They just numb you and do more harm than good. I see it with my best friend: He suffers from severe depression, and despite heavy medication, he's getting worse. Even my other best friend, who's training to become a pharmacist, warns me against them.

I have three close friends who know about my struggles and keep an eye on me to make sure I don't do anything reckless.
On top of that, my family keeps a close watch on me. They probably don't know about my current compulsions and suicidal thoughts, but because of my mood swings and outbursts of anger, they're constantly worried and suspicious.

I wish there were a way to get therapy online — completely anonymous and without any pressure to keep appointments.
Anything else just doesn't work for me in my current life situation.

thankfully, your job at least seems more hopeful!

It truly is for me. Ever since I've been allowed to teach once a week at my sister's primary school, I've become more emotionally stable, and my inhibitions have started to fade. I feel needed and appreciated, and I'm actually becoming more confident and communicative.
Now, when I enter a store and have to wait in a long line at the checkout, I no longer get sudden panic attacks.
I can talk to strangers/ parents or make phone calls without my heart nearly jumping out of my chest from anxiety.
The only things I still can't manage without support are driving unfamiliar routes or refueling at a gas station.
And I still can't enter a hospital without having a panic attack, and I can only visit doctors if someone comes with me.

 

[Tired_birth_1967]

I read these stories and I am truly touched. People as young as I once was. I wish I could say something that would escape my chronic pessimism for insisting on seeing life as it is, without fantasies. I feel bad for not being able to say anything. I really wish I could say something, but life doesn't allow it. Most people here are so young. I confess that this makes me feel very bad. I have lived a long time, almost 60 years, and my eyes fill with tears for not being able to say: Life has meaning. I wish I were less rational, less logical and said: Don't think about it. Go ahead. Everything will be fine. Life is beautiful. I can't do that. But even so, even with everything I have studied, observed from so many lives, I still hope that you find something that makes life have meaning. Sorry, I am too emotional today. I wish I could help each of you. I can't, I can't.

 

[EternalShore]

Thank you so much, both for the birthday wishes and your thoughtful messages.

I actually had a wonderful birthday yesterday and didn't have a single moment to get lost in dark thoughts:
My best friend from university, who stayed overnight with me for safety reasons, first surprised me with a homemade birthday cake.
After lunch, she convinced me to skip the boring pedagogy lecture and go to the beach instead.
To my surprise, my uni friends were already waiting there, and we ended up having a small beach party with ice cream, beer, fish sandwiches, and little Swedish cheer flags that lasted well into the evening.
Honestly, I'm so incredibly grateful to my friends. I was moved to tears more than once — and this time, truly out of joy, not sadness.
Had I been alone yesterday, I don't know if I would've made it through the day. Even today, that dark emptiness feels like it has completely lifted.

woah~ I'm so glad to hear! :DDD Your birthday sounded so wonderful! >w< your friends even surprised you at the end! hehe~ :3 they sound so sweet, wonderful, and caring for you~ ^_^ Your best friend was even willing to stay with you to keep you safe! :)

I also liked hearing about how you've improved in regard to being able to do things without having panic attacks too! ^_^ I always get so anxious ahead of time, but that anxiety tends to be worse than the actual event itself! hehe~ with your level of improvement, I'm sure that one day you will be able to go to the doctor easily as well~ :) I'm glad you had a very great and special day then, and I hope your life continues to be good like that too~ :)

 

[HangingBlossom]

Thank you all for your kind responses. I'm sitting in my last class for today, way at the back so no one can see what I'm writing or possibly raise an alarm. Even today, I'm feeling emotionally okay, and I'm optimistic about tomorrow when I'll celebrate my birthday with my family. But unfortunately, my mood can change at any moment, or something might trigger my suicidal thoughts.

I feel bad for not being able to say anything. I really wish I could say something, but life doesn't allow it. ... I wish I could help each of you. I can't, I can't.

My best friend, whom I met here about a year ago, is going through something very similar. He wants to help me, but he doesn't know how—especially since he struggles with much more severe depression than I do. He often just doesn't have the energy to talk with me about such complex things.

Even back then, the therapists were completely overwhelmed by my mental health issues. They ended up diagnosing me with a rare form of quiet borderline personality disorder.
Already at the age of six, I reacted to problems, pressure, or conflict with self-harming behavior. My memory of it is faint, but I do recall one day when my mother caught me after an argument, sitting in a corner of her bedroom, gasping for air, my face turning blue. I had taken one of her blouses from the closet and wrapped it tightly around my neck until I could barely breathe. That was when the therapy sessions began, but the urge to tightly constrict my neck didn't go away. Over time, I simply learned how to hide it better.

For a while, I had to strangle myself almost every day. My boyfriend was extremely worried that, due to the lack of oxygen or the pressure on my neck, I might suffer permanent damage. To be honest, I did have severe swallowing difficulties more than once, and for almost a month, along with sudden, brief episodes of heart fluttering.
At the moment, I have it under control to the extent that I only need to do it once or twice a week. What I mainly seek is the burning pain and the intense adrenaline rush. Afterwards, you always feel so euphoric and happy — it's indescribable. Of course, I'm aware of how deadly it could be, and honestly, it has almost gone wrong more than once. Since then, I've promised my boyfriend never to tie the strangulation tool to anything again.

I have to be extremely careful that no one finds out about my dangerous compulsions. The marks on my neck fade at different speeds, depending on what I use for strangulation. I can cover up blue and green bruises with makeup, and the thin ligature mark I hide in the colder seasons with an infinity scarf or a turtleneck. In warmer weather, I often wear shirt blouses or blouse dresses with a high collared neckline.

A few weeks ago, though, I was careless: I looked at myself half-asleep in the mirror, didn't see anything on my neck, threw on my favorite shirt, and went to university. Later, when I met my best friend for lunch and we hugged, she suddenly screamed hysterically and started touching my neck. She yelled at me, asking what I had done and if I was trying to kill myself. I didn't know what to say. Then she grabbed her phone and took photos of my neck. On the back of my neck, there were clear red marks going upward, surrounded by bluish bruises. Apparently, I had been walking around the city and university like that all morning. I tried to explain to her that it wasn't a suicide attempt, just part of my borderline disorder. She eventually calmed down—more or less—but since then, she inspects me closely every single day. And when I messaged her on Sunday saying I was scared of the week ahead, she immediately offered to stay over from Monday night until this morning.

After lunch, I'll go home to my family. And tonight, once everyone's asleep, I'll have to strangle myself again—carefully, but for as long as possible. Of course, I also can't overdo it—especially since I'll be celebrating my birthday with my family tomorrow. I'll definitely be getting a lot of hugs, and I really want to wear my Midsummer dress, which I bought at Easter in Sweden. A visible strangulation mark would definitely not be ideal. Honestly, I feel like I'm about to burst, and I won't be able to give in to my compulsion again for over two weeks. My little sister always sleeps in my bed with me on the weekends, and on Sunday I'll be leaving for a vacation, where I'll be sharing a room with her.

How much simpler would my life be if I could just get rid of this compulsion—this addiction?

I always get so anxious ahead of time, but that anxiety tends to be worse than the actual event itself! hehe~ with your level of improvement, I'm sure that one day you will be able to go to the doctor easily as well

This completely irrational and uncontrollable anxiety can really ruin everything. To better prepare myself for certain situations, I need at least 24 hours' notice from my family. But even then, there's no guarantee that a panic attack won't happen.

I honestly wouldn't even know what to say to a therapist out of sheer shame. There's just so much going wrong in my head.
Maybe my mental illness stems from the fact that I experienced oxygen deprivation at birth because the umbilical cord was wrapped around my neck.
(Which, by the way, caused dyscalculia in me — making all math-related subjects a struggle to this day.)
Maybe I also carry trauma from early childhood, because my grandma and my mother always forced me to wear a white blouse to church or festive events on Sundays — one with a collar that was way too tight and, of course, fully buttoned up, so I constantly felt choked and suffocated the whole time.
Maybe I was also shaped as a child by all the stories about suicides in the neighborhood — which, of course, were told in vivid detail over coffee and cake. Maybe my compulsions are a combination of all of these things. Who knows.

The fact is, in my room at home, in the very back corner on top of the wardrobe, sits my "box of death." In it, I keep everything related to my potential suicide: rope, scarf, belt, farewell letters, will, wishes for my funeral, my complete outfit for the suicide and for the funeral...
I specifically designed two custom white blouses with high, tight collars — one for the suicide and one for the funeral — and had them made for me in Estonia.
I believe that if the dressmaker had known why I placed such particular importance on so many details, she would have been horrified and refused the commission.

Believe me, this is just the tip of the iceberg. I'm grateful for any advice!

 

[EternalShore]

oh dear~ >_< I'm really sorry to hear and wish it could all be better~ >_< Well, I wish I could give you advice, but I really don't know what to say! :( There's so much trauma from strangulation there that it seems like that's what got you to do it as self-harm to me now~ >_< I'm just glad to hear that your family and friends can be so accommodating for you at least~ :)

 

[zappynomore]

To me birthdays are just a reminder of how lonely I am, how few people actually care about me. I don't remember the last good birthday, where I felt any happiness that day. It was probably when I was really young.

I just spend the whole day wishing time passes quick and its over and done with.

My one is coming up next week, also. Just sucks.

 

[HangingBlossom]

To me birthdays are just a reminder of how lonely I am, how few people actually care about me. I don't remember the last good birthday, where I felt any happiness that day. It was probably when I was really young.

I think the last time I was truly excited about my birthday was when I was 10, maybe 11. After that, my anticipation just kept fading.
If I'm being honest, I would have liked to do what the British snowboarder Ellie Soutter did — hang myself in the woods on my 18th birthday.
But I remember that I was under constant watch from my family that day, with no chance to slip out of the house. Looking back, I might actually be glad about that.

Today, I'm feeling pretty relaxed. Last night, I was able to lie in bed for almost an hour, daydreaming while strangling myself with a chiffon scarf.
My neck looked accordingly afterward, and I had to apply a thick layer of Swedish moisturizer.
Luckily, this morning when I got ready for the school day, there were no visible marks left. That means I can wear my Midsummer dress to my birthday party later without any worries. I'm quite optimistic that I'll get through the day just fine.

Once again, thank you all so much for your compassion.
If anyone would like to talk or chat with me privately, feel free to message me anytime. I'm also available on Discord, Steam or Signal.