Venting im back again, and cutting off my loved ones

[eternaldeath]

i used to complain about being unloveable, but when finally being offered love i run away. i love the people in my life so much, yet im running away from them. i am so scared of hurting them with my sadness, and i keep having emotional outbursts that are 100% ruining their images of me. that's why im cutting them off, because im scared. im scared of hurting them and myself. i know that leaving them won't solve the underlying issues im having with my emotional outbursts but id rather deal with it alone than have them deal with my struggles. i can talk about how i want to die all i want but i don't think i will ever really kill myself because i like being in pain. i like being lonely and sad, and id much rather have people put me through constant torment than love. its all i know, and i cant be happy anyway. sigh

 

[ElevenNine]

It makes sense that part of you wants to pull away to protect others(in fact, I think that shows how deeply you care) but I also know from experience how lonely that is.
Even though it might feel like you "like" the pain, it may be more that the pain feels familiar. And I guess familiar things feel safer than exposing yourself to other(loving them).

But I think it's also important to at least try. I once had a pasticularly nasty day and came very close to ctb. But just before I did it, I decided to try to clean up my life before I left it. Talk to others-who cares? I won't be responsible because I wouldn't have done it on purpose. It got me out of the darkest parts(thoguh admittedly didn't solve the whole suicide issue) and kept me going.

 

[emptylost]

I can relate. I feel like a dog who is trying to die, where they go in the backyard and try to crawl under something to be left alone to die.