Venting I'm alive still

[jbear824]

Last Thursday I almost did it. I was so close to just saying fuck it and OD'ing. But my SI took over and I voluntarily admitted myself.

Went to an actual nice psych unit. So nice that I honestly wish I could have just stayed there forever. It was so structured and controlled and I was so content. That's the kind of existence I need to function. Hell I'd give the hospital my entire SS check if they would let me just live on the unit until I die lol.

And now I'm back home. Once again facing imminent, long term, chronic homelessness. Gonna be permanently separated from my friend, which of course won't leave me and my partner with enough money to get housing for ourselves. So we're still dead anyway.

I wish there was some kind of residential program that was like a psych unit but not as restricted. That would just be perfect for me.

Anyway. Been home two days and I already want to kill myself again.

 

[FuneralCry]

It sounds really horrible being in that situation, it's just so incredibly cruel how people have to suffer so much in this hellish existence. But anyway best wishes.

 

[PandaBe]

Im so sorry you have to go through that it sounds awful I hope things get better for you

 

[Lys_C15H25N3O_d3]

You said exactly what awaits me:

rent here is paid for 2 months. if a admit myself to a hospital again it won't be like before. even if i get out . like you said: homelessness awaits me

i have no partner left in this life, from 3 different long relationships she was truly the only one i felt who cared for me, was afraid of ending alone without family of her own, partner.. well she left, can't blame her. but if her love and caring werent reasons worth enough to struggle for almost another decade. safe to say nothing will... eventually its homelessness or permanent hospital stay.

Its bitter, maybe selfish , hard to understand, explaining this just right now. without any emotions, if my absence is going to affect anyone? it is true, in time you stop caring, when you realize people expect that a "miracle" happens in ONE hospitalization a miracle that hasnt happened my whole life. it won't be a HUGE surprise maybe? i did not want to be "cruel", mean, "selfish", my frustration on the last hours was not having decisive ways to make ends meet . can't go over details but it sounds too good to be true what apparently seens like a .. lack of awareness from stroke of "luck" or none. its not impulsive. i think. another day is almost over and time draws closer. one way or another if things go wrong i'll end up a vegetal. If don't do anything, i'll end up homeless and a vegetable. (maybe one sliced by other homeless people?)

its like when someone you have empathy for, goes away, and then you wish things could "have been different"... that "a miracle might have happened" and spared said person from the guilty penitence of "trying to cohexist" with itself.


*TL DR


Best of luck and serenity, calm, sure it seems impossible, but haven't we made it this far? Its good to consider all the options to choose the best available, if you have, keep the people you care near you. after all, isn't "hope" only "lost when the last spark is drowned at sea?"

we, who struggle through this nightmare have more hope than most people who are fortunate to only worry with "routine common worries" just need to play our cards right. may you find peace and wisdom to sort this out.


Thanks for giving yourself another try.