I’m alive. please read.

[Phro]

When we plan to ctb we need to take into consideration every possible tiny thing than can go wrong. We can't let ourselves suffer even more than how we did before.

Sometimes things go wrong unexpectedly. The experience helps us do better on the next attempt.

 

[Deleted member 847]

Sometimes things go wrong unexpectedly. The experience helps us do better on the next attempt.

I still remember my first attempt. Got lucky the support broke after 3 minutes. Imagine if it did at the 9 minute mark, I'd be a vegetable now.

 

[Desperate_Soul]

Sometimes things go wrong unexpectedly. The experience helps us do better on the next attempt.

Exactly this. If things didn't unexpectedly go wrong, most of us wouldn't still be here after one serious attempt.

I was an ignorant person back then, but this site has since helped me grow as a more knowledgable suicidal person.

 

[Deleted member 847]

Well mine wasn't a serious attempt, just me playing with the rope, but the risk was being on a wheelchair for life, was it worth it? fuck no

 

[Phro]

I still remember my first attempt. Got lucky the support broke after 3 minutes. Imagine if it did at the 9 minute mark, I'd be a vegetable now.

Without a doubt, you had some luck on your side.

 

[Mugara]

I still remember my first attempt. Got lucky the support broke after 3 minutes. Imagine if it did at the 9 minute mark, I'd be a vegetable now.

My first attempt was with phenazepam lol, I woke up after a week of coma and only 7 years later I realized that it did damage to my brain.
Gladly I wasn't put on watch.

 

[Mugara]

And yeah, welcome back buddy. I actually enjoyed your story because you had a hell of a trip and courage not to turn back half way, but shit luck never let us go.

I'm surely not making any goodbye posts but my time is tomorrow. Come join me because I promised you to do so! :D

 

[Ben]

No method is foolproof, and I understand the feels when you put so much effort into a goodbye, and then failing afterwards, it was only last week my brother came in (forgot to check my f on door was double locked, I'm such an idiot) and found me covered in blood, still annoyingly alive, and he found my notes, and he read them, that was a little awkward. I guess every failure is a learning curve.

Wow..that is undeniably a much more truamazing attempt then mine, IMO.. how is your relationship currently with your brother? Surely that experience altered it yes?

 

[Ben]

And yeah, welcome back buddy. I actually enjoyed your story because you had a hell of a trip and courage not to turn back half way, but shit luck never let us go.

I'm surely not making any goodbye posts but my time is tomorrow. Come join me because I promised you to do so! :D

I never had a real reason to make a goodbye post. I could of said my goodbyes to the people I've interacted with through PM..but once I came back and read what people said about it...it was very...I don't know, positive but reassuring? I struggle to express it..

But if you were to make a goodbye post, I would encourage you to do it at least an hour before you "pull the trigger". It's very comforting to see the relief people have for the ending of your suffering.

 

[Mugara]

I never had a real reason to make a goodbye post. I could of said my goodbyes to the people I've interacted with through PM..but once I came back and read what people said about it...it was very...I don't know, positive but reassuring? I struggle to express it..

But if you were to make a goodbye post, I would encourage you to do it at least an hour before you "pull the trigger". It's very comforting to see the relief people have for the ending of your suffering.

I view it sort of heartwarming and comforting too, but my curiosity to see what happens after people find out I'm dead can ruin it for me. Like really. I will post a goodbye and think constantly what users have replied.
In case I screw up, which I will, I'd rather not post. I will see how my mood changes by tomorrow's night.

Btw I tried to hyperventilate and hold my breath, I felt like passing out in two seconds. I have troubles breathing due to my health and I also caught a cold so jackpot on me heh.

 

[Lara Francis]

Welcome back.
I am sorry it did not go as planned for you.

 

[Ben]

sorry it was such a horrible experience, I hope ur balls are ok lol. I feel bad ur plan didn't work out butttttt glad ur back bc u seem like a really cool person! Hugs!!

My balls are still functional regardless of my need for them haha

Hugs back at you Dani <3

 

[Ben]

I view it sort of heartwarming and comforting too, but my curiosity to see what happens after people find out I'm dead can ruin it for me. Like really. I will post a goodbye and think constantly what users have replied.
In case I screw up, which I will, I'd rather not post. I will see how my mood changes by tomorrow's night.

Btw I tried to hyperventilate and hold my breath, I felt like passing out in two seconds. I have troubles breathing due to my health and I also caught a cold so jackpot on me heh.

It's a surreal experience I must say. I'm still not sure how I'm supposed to be acting. I wish you peace in your transition.

 

[Lunar]

Welcome back, Ben.

You've come across as a understanding and a helpful person during your time on this site. I'm sorry that it didn't work out as you planned but the best made ones can go to crap. I can understand some people being annoyed when people make goodbye posts and fail, but as others have expressed we're all still here after all.

I wish you luck for when you try again.

 

[Ben]

Welcome back.
I am sorry it did not go as planned for you.

Thanks Lara. Hopefully I'm back for a reason, because I'm not sure what to do with my hands

lol

 

[Duqu]

Yea can somebody please tell me how I'm supposed to feel right now? because I have no idea lol

thanks tho hunter :)

I can't tell you how *you're* supposed to feel, but I've attempted OD's in the past (with less research than now; SS wasn't around when I tried as a teen) and when I woke up in the hospital just...numbness. Everyone freaking out and screaming at me "how could you do this" and I was just numb and stared blankly at the wall. Then when I was off hospital ward put in psych I spent a long time in "numb" state then finally started cooperating and doing groups and shit so I could GTFO.

 

[Ben]

Welcome back, Ben.

You've come across as a understanding and a helpful person during your time on this site. I'm sorry that it didn't work out as you planned but the best made ones can go to crap. I can understand some people being annoyed when people make goodbye posts and fail, but as others have expressed we're all still here after all.

I wish you luck for when you try again.

Thank you :)

Annoyed wouldn't be the word I would use, but they are justified in experiencing a loss on their capacity for sympathy after expressing their final goodbyes. I'm on their side, unless it actually annoys them, then I would wonder why they are even here. You can dedicate less enegery to a user while still respecting their intentions and efforts.

 

[Ben]

Oooo I forgot the part about his balls... Update please.

Ask me how's it hanging

 

[Ben]

I can't tell you how *you're* supposed to feel, but I've attempted OD's in the past (with less research than now; SS wasn't around when I tried as a teen) and when I woke up in the hospital just...numbness. Everyone freaking out and screaming at me "how could you do this" and I was just numb and stared blankly at the wall. Then when I was off hospital ward put in psych I spent a long time in "numb" state then finally started cooperating and doing groups and shit so I could GTFO.

I couldn't imagine. I've dealt with my family learning about my KTB attempts, but it's not the same as overdosed and psyche wards. Counselling is counter intuitive for most people here.

 

[Duqu]

I couldn't imagine. I've dealt with my family learning about my KTB attempts, but it's not the same as overdosed and psyche wards. Counselling is counter intuitive for most people here.

Yeah...I'm *in counseling* (actually, have two therapists for different things and a psychiatric nurse who prescribes my psych meds but I only have to see her every 6 months thank goodness) the first therapist I've seen a little over a year and I see her for my eating disorder/messed up stuff I do, and she knows I'm suicidal and have a plan but hasn't tried to hospitalize me because she knows it hangs on my cat dying etc and he's 11 so there is some time left. And I'm not super spontaneous and won't do it while he's alive (I'm seriously the only human he tolerates and if he were put in a shelter he'd get put down because he has feline leukemia and he's not a kitten fucking everyone wants kittens). The second I just started seeing last month for EMDR for my PTSD. I'm unsure if it will work for me though because I can't be hypnotized? I haven't been able to find any research linking EMDR and hypnosis so it's difficult for me to trust the process.

 

[MachineGunDani]

Lol balls

My balls are still functional regardless of my need for them haha

Hugs back at you Dani <3

i don't have balls but I can imagine lol

 

[Sayo]

Ben, I have failed drowning before and sometimes I feel that the cold has never left me. It is no joke, it is a terrifying thing and a painful killer in itself. Also, it provides very substantial shock to the body. Last night I thought about trying again and it was the unpredictable effect of the cold on immersion that I was anxious about. It's a terrible thing for anyone to go through and that we have already been through so much pain is no reason to seek out more. My heart hurts for what you went through on the bus and how you steeled yourself only to experience that.

I understand how important confidence in the method is, too—it is compelling, I am personally practising hyperventilation too—last night you got data, at least.

Thank you for the update, it was big of you.

edit: It seems you took sensible actions afterwards too. It might have felt futile but you helped yourself by responding sensibly. Anyway thanks for coming back.

 

[MachineGunDani]

people Pressuring other people to ctb is just fucking wrong. If someone keeps trying to die (lol) and doesn't and that annoys u...then block them!

 

[Ben]

Yeah...I'm *in counseling* (actually, have two therapists for different things and a psychiatric nurse who prescribes my psych meds but I only have to see her every 6 months thank goodness) the first therapist I've seen a little over a year and I see her for my eating disorder/messed up stuff I do, and she knows I'm suicidal and have a plan but hasn't tried to hospitalize me because she knows it hangs on my cat dying etc and he's 11 so there is some time left. And I'm not super spontaneous and won't do it while he's alive (I'm seriously the only human he tolerates and if he were put in a shelter he'd get put down because he has feline leukemia and he's not a kitten fucking everyone wants kittens). The second I just started seeing last month for EMDR for my PTSD. I'm unsure if it will work for me though because I can't be hypnotized? I haven't been able to find any research linking EMDR and hypnosis so it's difficult for me to trust the process.

I understand...how long have you been exposed to such mind alerting and traumatizing therapy? If you have a want to KTB, I can only imagine how painful putting on a facade of rehabilitation must be..

 

[Duqu]

I understand...how long have you been exposed to such mind alerting and traumatizing therapy? If you have a want to KTB, I can only imagine how painful putting on a facade of rehabilitation must be..

Oh jesus I've been in some sort of therapy or another since I was 15 (15 years). Initially because I was a cutter and couldn't stop, then for suicide attempts (mandatory therapy to gtfo of the hospital), then eating disorder treatment (which had been ongoing through all of this), then gender therapist so I could start hormones to transition to male. For a year. Such BS. These days you can sign an "informed consent" form and not go through that nonsense.

 

[Ben]

Ben, I have failed drowning before and sometimes I feel that the cold has never left me. It is no joke, it is a terrifying thing and a painful killer in itself. Also, it provides very substantial shock to the body. Last night I thought about trying again and it was the unpredictable effect of the cold on immersion that I was anxious about. It's a terrible thing for anyone to go through and that we have already been through so much pain is no reason to seek out more. My heart hurts for what you went through on the bus and how you steeled yourself only to experience that.

I understand how important confidence in the method is, too—it is compelling, I am personally practising hyperventilation too—last night you got data, at least.

Thank you for the update, it was big of you.

edit: It seems you took sensible actions afterwards too. It might have felt futile but you helped yourself by responding sensibly. Anyway thanks for coming back.

Sayo, it's funny how you mention the cold never leaving...I'm physically warm right now, but that cold is haunting me. That was the one barrier I wasn't able to break though, even though I've broken so many behind it... I appreciate you appreciating it haha.

I really considered never returning...but I decided, what would I say if I did let them know I was alive?

I wrote it out just to see what I'd say. And an hour later, I found i convinced myself that returning with an update is the right thing to do lol

That's why I split this post, I wrote it out in entirety in my notes, and copy and pasted it here. I will mention, on my iPhone, the interface was extremely glitchy, and uploading this post took me awhile even though I had it all typed out. Maybe that's user error lol.

 

[Desperate_Soul]

Ask me how's it hanging

I'm too scared to ask after seeing your sole... but if you want me to ask, who am I to say no...
How's it hanging, Ben? Did you freeze your balls off?
I can help warm them up for you!

 

[Ben]

Oh jesus I've been in some sort of therapy or another since I was 15 (15 years). Initially because I was a cutter and couldn't stop, then for suicide attempts (mandatory therapy to gtfo of the hospital), then eating disorder treatment (which had been ongoing through all of this), then gender therapist so I could start hormones to transition to male. For a year. Such BS. These days you can sign an "informed consent" form and not go through that nonsense.

Wow. I really feel for you. I don't expect that to mean anything real...but I'm just at a loss of words, and I rarely am. Im a good listener too though so feel free to keep venting.

 

[Ben]

I'm too scared to ask after seeing your sole... but if you want me to ask, who am I to say no...
How's it hanging, Ben? Did you freeze your balls off?
I can help warm them up for you!

Whoa whoa whoa don't make me blush, I don't look good in red

 

[Deleted member 1768]

It is still my plan B. There are far too many documented deaths and warnings about SWB to make me lose doubt, even after my failure. But I don't have time to keep failing, so I can't rely on one method anymore.

Hi Ben...I am sorry that the effort failed, but happy to see you here. A sitting contradiction...smile. The cold shocks the body into wakefulness. Indeed really cold water has been used to start the lungs moving when pneumonia kills, and was used to start the heart for some heart attacks. It never occurred to me to let you know...ahhh Ben, I am sorry.
I don't know which part of this country you live in but if you need more time to prepare then you can stay with us. Honestly. I am working on 3 different methods at the moment. Only 1 of them is set, but I am waiting for supplies for the other 2. I must succeed...smile...I know we all say that...blush, but it is true.