I don't fucking deserve to live and no one would ever be fucking delusional enough to think I could ever be allowed to live in any capacity whatsoever. Since I was a child, I used to be bullied. And frankly, my only problem is they should've been more cruel. Maybe I could've finally killed myself at 6 years old instead of polluting the world with my subhuman parasite existence. If every person on earth fucking hates you, you don't deserve to live. End of it. Even arguing against the masses is selfish. Even thinking differently of them is selfish. If they want you die, you are to die and that's it. So all I am allowed to do is kill myself and that's it. I refuse to go to therapy, because I don't deserve it. I'd pollute the world further and waste everyones time and money and cause others to not be able to. So I sit here and just sulk in my sadness like a pathetic coward, cause I have a rope in the other room and I can't fucking use it. I cling onto some worthless hope, that I can somehow turn everything around, yet I refuse to acknowledge I will never be allowed to turn things around. I'm allowed to die and that's it. I should be grateful people are only done with me and don't demand me to be tortured as revenge, because I honestly deserve that.
Every few months, I have the idiotic idea to try a hobby of some sort to distract myself. I've recently been trying to learn chess again, but as always I fucking suck. Every time I attempt to do something, I'm bad at it. I poured hours into improving and still make the dumbest possible mistakes. I try everything and never improve. A few years ago I tried learning a new language for the (I kid you fucking not) 8th time now. And can I learn another language now? NO! BECAUSE IVE NEVER BEEN ABLE TO GET THROUGH IT. I suck at everything I do and no amount of practice resolves it. I'm a worthless subhuman at everything I've ever attempted. And yet I'm not just too dumb to improve at anything in life, I'm too dumb to give up. Instead of sitting around sulking, I spend my day getting mad at myself and then hitting myself until I can barely hear my thoughts anymore. I should be beaten into complete submission to my depression. I should be beaten until I stay in bed out of fear, that I could upset others with my existence. I'm about to finish university, except I won't. My wish was to study for a PhD title in math, yet instead I am too dumb to properly read instructions and won't be able anymore due to missing a deadline. So all I can do is sulk for the rest of my life, not improve at anything I do and work a deadbeat job of some sort, where I won't improve either.
In 2021 I was still only depressed and anxious and I don't know what else. I was still able to function back then. I have a literal pile of plastic bottles in my kitchen now and an entire table full of dishes, because I rarely ever clean up. I found something in that year, that slowly started spiraling out of control until I nuked the bridge I had with my only friend. My sexual orientation is the biggest flaw in me. I wish I could simply tear into my skin, down into my skull and start ripping out any brain matter until I am a normal human being. I am a bisexual, which is a vile and disgusting thing I want to kill myself for. All people will ever see me for is a manipulative, degenerate, lewd, narcissistic, gluttonous, hateful, abnormal, shameful parasite. All my existence does is make actual LGT peoples lives harder. All I do is slander their reputation. Everyone outside of them should and does hate me too. Being like this makes me a subhuman parasite, who feeds on others existence for my own selfish life. I remember asking around on other forums and people hating me for this vile thing I am. They would tell me how little they trust people like me, how people like me are just liars, how people like me don't really even exist, how people like me don't belong anywhere. And you know what? It's selfish to ever deny what they say. They have to deal with the likes of me. So all I could ever be allowed to do is finally kill myself and rid this world of a worthless subhuman cancer like myself. All I'm allowed to do is die and that's all I should ever fucking die. I can't, because I'm a disgusting worthless coward, but that's the only fate I am allowed. I must die, because I have no place in this world. I must die. I must kill myself. I must no longer pollute this world. I must die. I must die.
Every few months, I have the idiotic idea to try a hobby of some sort to distract myself. I've recently been trying to learn chess again, but as always I fucking suck. Every time I attempt to do something, I'm bad at it. I poured hours into improving and still make the dumbest possible mistakes. I try everything and never improve. A few years ago I tried learning a new language for the (I kid you fucking not) 8th time now. And can I learn another language now? NO! BECAUSE IVE NEVER BEEN ABLE TO GET THROUGH IT. I suck at everything I do and no amount of practice resolves it. I'm a worthless subhuman at everything I've ever attempted. And yet I'm not just too dumb to improve at anything in life, I'm too dumb to give up. Instead of sitting around sulking, I spend my day getting mad at myself and then hitting myself until I can barely hear my thoughts anymore. I should be beaten into complete submission to my depression. I should be beaten until I stay in bed out of fear, that I could upset others with my existence. I'm about to finish university, except I won't. My wish was to study for a PhD title in math, yet instead I am too dumb to properly read instructions and won't be able anymore due to missing a deadline. So all I can do is sulk for the rest of my life, not improve at anything I do and work a deadbeat job of some sort, where I won't improve either.
In 2021 I was still only depressed and anxious and I don't know what else. I was still able to function back then. I have a literal pile of plastic bottles in my kitchen now and an entire table full of dishes, because I rarely ever clean up. I found something in that year, that slowly started spiraling out of control until I nuked the bridge I had with my only friend. My sexual orientation is the biggest flaw in me. I wish I could simply tear into my skin, down into my skull and start ripping out any brain matter until I am a normal human being. I am a bisexual, which is a vile and disgusting thing I want to kill myself for. All people will ever see me for is a manipulative, degenerate, lewd, narcissistic, gluttonous, hateful, abnormal, shameful parasite. All my existence does is make actual LGT peoples lives harder. All I do is slander their reputation. Everyone outside of them should and does hate me too. Being like this makes me a subhuman parasite, who feeds on others existence for my own selfish life. I remember asking around on other forums and people hating me for this vile thing I am. They would tell me how little they trust people like me, how people like me are just liars, how people like me don't really even exist, how people like me don't belong anywhere. And you know what? It's selfish to ever deny what they say. They have to deal with the likes of me. So all I could ever be allowed to do is finally kill myself and rid this world of a worthless subhuman cancer like myself. All I'm allowed to do is die and that's all I should ever fucking die. I can't, because I'm a disgusting worthless coward, but that's the only fate I am allowed. I must die, because I have no place in this world. I must die. I must kill myself. I must no longer pollute this world. I must die. I must die.
