eidoll
My fate is sealed
- Mar 28, 2026
- 9
I have never been good at the whole friends thing or socializing thing, I have to admit I'm so bad at it all I get frustrated often nowadays because it's become so normalized for people to say they're bad at socializing when they're clearly not; I know it's wrong of me to say that, it's in the fashion of "if you're not as bad as me you must not be bad at all" but I just hate how it causes people to act. I have NEVER been good at socializing, I have failed every single friendship of mine and because of other people saying they're bad when they're not, people treat them as the basis of bad. I understand people say that because they use it as a cushion for the fact they're not perfect it's their way of saying "I'm not perfect, I hope you don't mind" but when I act in my poor socializing manner and self-isolate people treat me as though I've wronged them terribly.
I recently realized the extent to how poor of a friend I am, you know just how bad of a person I am. My entire life I honestly blamed COVID and the pandemic for my poor social skills "I lost a key year to learn to socialize!" is what I'd often tell myself. I was going through my old emails though, I found one I shared with a childhood friend, I was going to delete it so I went through it all. It's probably best I preface it now, this childhood friend ghosted me when we were younger and I never knew why. I opened the gmail and found an email under a notes label, the subject line "My notes don't fuckin touch em" so I opened it, I read it and I realized I've been bad at this since I was born. It wasn't the lockdown's fault it was my own. There was one line about me and it held the answer I had wanted for years, why they left, it read: "...Is there something I need to get off my chest? Yeah definitely. Uhm. I uhm. I really don't wanna be friends with this girl named [MY NAME]. She's becoming toxic and also fucked up in the brain. Something is wrong with her..." This was pre-covid. Pre-lockdown. Pre-any excuse I could come up with. I've been like this forever. It hurt to be honest, that was the only friendship I thought I had done okay in that it wasn't my fault it ended. Yet it was, like always it was my fault. She was writing about an 11 year old version of me too, when I initially read it I was like "ah, nothing I've never heard before" because I've been told that by all the friendships I've ever had, but then I realized it was about me before I was even fully mentally ill. I began to grow sick when I was nine, my own elementary school recognized it, but at eleven I wasn't that bad yet... at least I didn't think I was and I suppose I'm comparing it to my current self where I want to ctb and sh all the time. Still like the shitty person I am, I made a reply in the email and logged out, and then I messaged them I thought they had blocked me so I thought my message would go into the ether, I was wrong. After multiple years I got a reply, if you told me years ago all I would have to say for a reply was "sorry" not even an "i'm sorry" but just sorry, I wouldn't believe you! They replied with "All I can tell you at this point is to please get help, for your safety and health" I was confused at first, but I realized it was a reply to my email not my message, I tried logging back in but I disconnected my phone and email from that email before leaving, they changed the password. I couldn't see if they even left me a reply, to be fair since I didn't think they'd see it I didn't reply too kindly I admitted I sh and am an even shittier person now. I went back to the messages and said "You read it" I was hoping for a reply. As of writing this, I haven't got one, and I highly doubt I will get one.
I miss the idea that I hadn't messed up every single friendship of mine, but that's impossible now. I'm so utterly saddened as well, despite my self-isolation I do wish to have at least one person who understands me and is willing to be with me in the future, just one person that I'll sacrifice my desire to isolate for. I doubt that'll happen now, I am just so bad with people I don't think I'll be able to. I wish I was normal, I wish I could socialize just like everyone else, be popular too. I suck at life and living and all of it. I want to end it so bad, what's the point if I can't even interact with my favorite thing in the whole wide world (people). Why couldn't I have just been born normal. I want a lover, a friend but I push everyone away. It's all my fault I'm like this and yet I still complain.
I recently realized the extent to how poor of a friend I am, you know just how bad of a person I am. My entire life I honestly blamed COVID and the pandemic for my poor social skills "I lost a key year to learn to socialize!" is what I'd often tell myself. I was going through my old emails though, I found one I shared with a childhood friend, I was going to delete it so I went through it all. It's probably best I preface it now, this childhood friend ghosted me when we were younger and I never knew why. I opened the gmail and found an email under a notes label, the subject line "My notes don't fuckin touch em" so I opened it, I read it and I realized I've been bad at this since I was born. It wasn't the lockdown's fault it was my own. There was one line about me and it held the answer I had wanted for years, why they left, it read: "...Is there something I need to get off my chest? Yeah definitely. Uhm. I uhm. I really don't wanna be friends with this girl named [MY NAME]. She's becoming toxic and also fucked up in the brain. Something is wrong with her..." This was pre-covid. Pre-lockdown. Pre-any excuse I could come up with. I've been like this forever. It hurt to be honest, that was the only friendship I thought I had done okay in that it wasn't my fault it ended. Yet it was, like always it was my fault. She was writing about an 11 year old version of me too, when I initially read it I was like "ah, nothing I've never heard before" because I've been told that by all the friendships I've ever had, but then I realized it was about me before I was even fully mentally ill. I began to grow sick when I was nine, my own elementary school recognized it, but at eleven I wasn't that bad yet... at least I didn't think I was and I suppose I'm comparing it to my current self where I want to ctb and sh all the time. Still like the shitty person I am, I made a reply in the email and logged out, and then I messaged them I thought they had blocked me so I thought my message would go into the ether, I was wrong. After multiple years I got a reply, if you told me years ago all I would have to say for a reply was "sorry" not even an "i'm sorry" but just sorry, I wouldn't believe you! They replied with "All I can tell you at this point is to please get help, for your safety and health" I was confused at first, but I realized it was a reply to my email not my message, I tried logging back in but I disconnected my phone and email from that email before leaving, they changed the password. I couldn't see if they even left me a reply, to be fair since I didn't think they'd see it I didn't reply too kindly I admitted I sh and am an even shittier person now. I went back to the messages and said "You read it" I was hoping for a reply. As of writing this, I haven't got one, and I highly doubt I will get one.
I miss the idea that I hadn't messed up every single friendship of mine, but that's impossible now. I'm so utterly saddened as well, despite my self-isolation I do wish to have at least one person who understands me and is willing to be with me in the future, just one person that I'll sacrifice my desire to isolate for. I doubt that'll happen now, I am just so bad with people I don't think I'll be able to. I wish I was normal, I wish I could socialize just like everyone else, be popular too. I suck at life and living and all of it. I want to end it so bad, what's the point if I can't even interact with my favorite thing in the whole wide world (people). Why couldn't I have just been born normal. I want a lover, a friend but I push everyone away. It's all my fault I'm like this and yet I still complain.
