Venting I'm a lazy piece of shit but I just can't handle employment

[HopelessBread]

I truly resent my existence. I was forced into a world without my consent, and I'll eventually need to have a job because of it. I've had a few here and there, and my first job is when I started experiencing suicidal thoughts, and every subsequent job has just made them worse. The thought of having to go to work every single day makes me feel immense dread, and I quickly begin contemplating my death. For me, working is pure hell. Every second spent at a job is worse than the last, by the end of my shift I'm left desperately hoping I die in a freak accident, or that somebody comes over and tries to kill me for whatever reason.

Having a job makes it impossible for me to enjoy anything. Any kind of maintenance for my body, or my room, or my belongings, becomes a complete nightmare of pure stress. I'm left desperately trying to finish the task as quickly as possible, hoping I can get just a few more seconds of time spent on the things I love, but it never works out that way. No matter how fast or slow I go, once I finally have those couple of hours to do anything, it's not fun. I begin a cycle of trying to figure out what I want to do, if any plans I made earlier in the day are actually good ideas. If I do something, I can't enjoy it. The creeping dread of going back to work haunts the back of my mind. I'm left constantly stressed about whether or not I'm wasting my time and if I should be doing something else. I'm left wasting away, spending most of my time on the verge of tears, frustrated at the fact I have so little time to do anything, but if I do anything I can't enjoy it regardless. Food doesn't even taste like anything when I have a job, so I can't even enjoy the foods I like.

The jobs themselves are always pure torture. I hate the sounds, I hate the smells, I hate how I have no personal space, I hate when I'm trying to do something and somebody interrupts me and I lose my train of thought, I hate how completely exhausted I feel as soon as I arrive at work. I hate the random bullshit I have to do, I hate doing anything because I'm forced to do it, I can only tolerate doing things if I choose to do them myself, but that isn't possible at a job. I hate how I get paid effectively nothing, that if any emergency were to happen, I'm completely screwed, regardless of how much of my life I've wasted at whatever hellhole I force myself to show up at every day. To me, employment is a form of absolute torture, I can't tolerate it at all.

I'm so much happier when I'm unemployed, but that comes at the cost of relying on other people's money, and I know I'm screwed if anything bad were to happen. It doesn't help that most of the jobs I can get here have some completely insane schedule, 12 hour shifts, or keeping me away from home for a month at a time. It's completely absurd to me. All I want is to enjoy my things in peace, to engage in the activities I love, in my own personal space. This isn't possible for me to achieve though. If I want my own house, I have to get a really well paying job, but that requires forcing myself through pure agony for the rest of my life. Going through school, and then getting a job doing something I absolutely despise. I could go for an apartment, but every apartment I've been in would quickly wear me down. They're so damn loud, it feels like there's no privacy at all, and I would have to deal with the constant stress of a neighbor screwing me over somehow. I would not be able to tolerate an apartment, but I could never afford a house of my own, so I'm stuck here, where I'm freeloading off of my family who probably hate me, who probably see me as a waste of space and a symbol of their failure to raise a kid capable of handling society. I feel awful for what I've done, I've wasted so many resources, so much of my family's money. I can't be forgiven for what I've done, it's my fault, but I don't know what else to do.

I can't survive having a job, I just can't. Even just applying for a job completely tanks my mental health, I only feel relief if I fail to get the job. Suicide is the only solution to this that I can think of. Winning the lottery isn't going to happen, so suicide is the only realistic option for me. I long for death, it is the only way I can be free of all of this. I did not ask to be born, I did not ever consent to existing in a world where I'm a slave to a cruel and inhumane system that would leave me for dead, no matter how hard I worked, no matter how much I suffered just to survive.

It doesn't help that it feels like the entire world is collapsing, and it doesn't help how much I absolutely despise my body, both for having been born male, and that I'll never be able to transition. I hate that I have to watch it actively deteriorate, losing the ability to do things as I get older, as I'm told over and over again that aging is "beautiful" for some bizarre reason. I hate having OCD, I hate having autism, and I hate having ADHD. I'm endlessly tortured by these things, I never get a break from them. It's not worth it to me to try and continue my existence. Only if I can achieve my ideal life would I stop constantly wishing for death, but that's never going to happen, so suicide is my solution to all of this. I could tolerate the OCD, autism, and ADHD, if only I had the money to live the life I want to live.

Of course, it isn't easy to CTB. I can't obtain any resources necessary to do it. I'm too far away from any stores to walk to them, any packages that arrive are opened and scanned, if I leave the house I would be immediately noticed. I can't CTB if I'm never in a position to even prepare an attempt. I just have to hope I get lucky enough to die, or that some miracle happens I have a solid window to obtain materials. I will never be able to live a life I can enjoy, and that makes me feel awful. I really wish I wasn't born. I never consented to my existence, and I know that they couldn't have asked me since I didn't exist, but I think that's why they shouldn't have had me. I'm sorry this is so long, I'm sorry I'm so whiny. I know so many people have it so much worse than I do, but I think I'm just mentally really weak. I really can't handle any of this. I'm sorry.

 

[Anteenna]

You are not alone. I totally understand where your thought are coming from. Unfortunately, some of us are just not capable of living in the current system.

Does your country have any sort of welfare support so you can at least stay out from work even temporarily?

 

[Deepdense]

Do some research into options trading. It's the perfect stay at home job and you can make a lot of money if you do it right.

 

[Reishi]

Do some research into options trading. It's the perfect stay at home job and you can make a lot of money if you do it right.

Options trading? Never heard of it

 

[Deepdense]

Options trading? Never heard of it

It's like a contract that allows someone to buy something at a predetermined price before a certain date.

 

[HopelessBread]

You are not alone. I totally understand where your thought are coming from. Unfortunately, some of us are just not capable of living in the current system.

Does your country have any sort of welfare support so you can at least stay out from work even temporarily?

It does, but I have been unable to access it as I'm considered ineligible for it.

Do some research into options trading. It's the perfect stay at home job and you can make a lot of money if you do it right.

I've considered it for a while, and have done bits of research on it, but I don't have much money. I don't have access to the exact amount at the moment, but I have somewhere in the range of around $200-300. I worry that I would very quickly lose all of my money.

Thank you both for the suggestions!

 

[metfan647]

That's what they got all setup for us. It is quite literally survival of the fittest.

 

[meowme0w]

Humans aren't made to live like this. You might think there's something wrong with you or that you're broken, but you are not. Humans are wild animals just as much as any other animals are, we were never meant to live like this. This 9-5 grind in a capitalist society is not how any species should function, why do you think there are so many mentally ill people these days? This hell hole society keeps getting worse and worse, we are getting farther and farther away from nature. All of this is especially difficult for neurodivergent people. This system was set up to work against us from the start. I really wish I would've been born prior to the industrial revolution, ideally as a caveman lol, I genuinely believe I would not have depression if our society and human world wasn't like this. We are the only animals who constantly go against our own nature.

I love animals, I am studying and pursuing a career path related to them. Animals have very specific conditions that need to be met for them to thrive, to be happy. Any social animal is going to be stressed if it doesn't have members of its own species living with it. You know what humans are? Yeah, social animals. But in this modern world, we keep drifting farther and farther away from each other, the communities humans used to have are slowly disappearing. There are so many people who don't have any support network whatsoever. To me it is clear as day that that is just one of the reasons we are so messed up. If a rat is going to get depressed without friends, why wouldn't humans be the same? If people stopped for a moment and looked at humans as animals and not some superior lifeform, they would see that we are lacking so much. Those of us who are interested in animals know very well that you can't just throw any animal into whatever conditions and hope for the best, that would be unethical and cruel. So why do we do that to ourselves?? Our society is messed up and it doesn't surprise me at all that so many people are messed up, including me. It's just so frustrating because at the end of the day, what can we do? We are just normal people...I know what would cure me, I know what I need. But i quite literally cannot have those things in this world. I am not allowed to have those things. Some people are able to adapt and live in this system, but so many others are not, and that is not our fault.

I hope one day we can find happiness in this fucked up system, but I am doubtful at least on my part...But some people are happy, some people thrive here, surely it is not impossible? I don't know what makes those people so different from us, I wish i knew

 

[Off_Switch]

It's like a contract that allows someone to buy something at a predetermined price before a certain date.

This is an almost guaranteed way to lose what money you have. 90% of traders never become profitable. So be careful.

 

[stardusted]

i understand how you feel, im just like you. going back to work is my worst nightmare. its terrifying and exhausting and i dont understand how anyone else does it. i can barely take care of myself and eat enough and sleep enough without any other responsibilities. i feel terrible for all the time and money everyone else in my life has wasted on keeping me alive. i think i am weak too. im sorry you have to feel this way, i know just how awful it is.