Help I'm a failure

[yonise4]

i'm the master at self destruction. i messed up a lot in high school had a few failed attempts I somehow ended up at a decent college but now i'm flunking out of college and I can't tell my parents. They're really supportive and concerned especially my dad. I'm a horrible person. I don't know what's wrong with me or why I always always go back to this mindset where I just need to die. I was suppose to be dead rn. I attempted I swallowed three bottles of pills to only spend two days fainting and throwing up over the toilet. I tried hanging but SI took over and i was terrified of the pain even though I'd honestly rather be dead just anytime i get close SI kicks in. I'm now looking into partial hanging but I can't find that sweet spot. Im a coward and I just really want to leave. I have a necktie and hanged it on the wardrobe metal thing its a side knot does anyone know any sleeping pills or would weed just work to overcome SI. Do i just kneel down til I start to feel like I pass out or any other advice? I just want this to work, I've already been in the mental hospital and I just want it quick to not deal with anything anymore.

 

[chinadoll]

I understand this. Im an academic person, always have been, but depression can destroy your drive and make people think you're just lazy. Im glad to hear you're out of high school, since it's a lot easier to defer from college and take a break. You can withdraw from courses to protect your GPA, and if your family is supportive just let them know what going on. I believe this is a solvable problem, even though I've been exactly where you are before, also wanting to ctb.

 

[Adûnâi]

My mom let me NEET for a few years when I dropped out, it helped, I got older and more jaded / less inhibited.