Venting I'm a coward

[Dukey]

I'm so fucking lonely, it's getting really bad. I have genuinely lost my mind this year.

Everyone i ever loved has abandoned me when i needed them the most.

Went through so much emotional shock this year more than once, i feel traumatized.

I'm such a fucking coward, i have fentanyl and Xanax lying right here. If i wasn't such a coward all this pain would be over in the next 5 minutes.

But why can't i do it? Why do i still have this small piece of hope? This desire to hold on.

For 6 months now i have been miserable i cry myself to sleep most nights, sleep 12 to 14 hours a day. Can't find joy in anything anymore, and been completely isolated from everyone and everything.

And i still cannot bring myself to do it.
I'm such a fucking coward.

 

[itsgone2]

I'm such a fucking coward, i have fentanyl and Xanax lying right here. If i wasn't such a coward all this pain would be over in the next 5 minutes.

I sit here and think, wow, fentanyl and Xanax right there, how easy! Meanwhile I have a noose hanging for two months, and I live in US where guns are easy. I'm also a coward.

Anything in particular about your method scare you? For noose or gun I'm scared of the pain. Plus chance of survival.

It's such crap we can't just switch this off

 

[Dukey]

I sit here and think, wow, fentanyl and Xanax right there, how easy! Meanwhile I have a noose hanging for two months, and I live in US where guns are easy. I'm also a coward.

Anything in particular about your method scare you? For noose or gun I'm scared of the pain. Plus chance of survival.

It's such crap we can't just switch this off

No it's not the method that scares me.
It's easy i will just fall asleep i might even feel euphoric before losing consciousness.

It's the last piece of hope that stops me. Feeling so miserable and being in so much pain.

But still having that small faint hope things might get better, that life can be beautiful sometimes and still wanting to experience
So much in Life.

Not wanting to break my mother's heart.

 

[birthdayboy]

But still having that small faint hope things might get better, that life can be beautiful sometimes and still wanting to experience
So much in Life.

Yeah, that's the frustrating thing. The thing is, life has the potential to be this way. It's so frustrating that it's not so for many of us.

 

[ObsidianWatcher]

You're not a coward. Despite your pain, your body is simply performing its biological imperative to keep you alive. Give yourself some grace and patience. This is never easy, no matter one's experiences.

 

[breathingblues]

I'm so fucking lonely, it's getting really bad. I have genuinely lost my mind this year.

Everyone i ever loved has abandoned me when i needed them the most.

Went through so much emotional shock this year more than once, i feel traumatized.

I'm such a fucking coward, i have fentanyl and Xanax lying right here. If i wasn't such a coward all this pain would be over in the next 5 minutes.

But why can't i do it? Why do i still have this small piece of hope? This desire to hold on.

For 6 months now i have been miserable i cry myself to sleep most nights, sleep 12 to 14 hours a day. Can't find joy in anything anymore, and been completely isolated from everyone and everything.

And i still cannot bring myself to do it.
I'm such a fucking coward.

Actually no you're not a coward. You're better than what life has made you right now, and that's why you want to live within.

Honestly we all deserve a good life (many rapists and killers, and even worse people find ways to hide and do that, as good people are put on the stake). If you have friends or far family who can talk to you and give you unbroken connection then trust me you should talk to them, if not about this then just life.

I'm someone who's bizzarely unfortunate (it happened just this year in an otherwise pretty good life) and just like you I've disappeared for the world. I just can't understand why and the only explanation is many forces in life want to kill me... Believe me, I WOULD RUN NOW to a person who would care for me genuinely... I want to live and have a good life so fucking bad... So please, at least live a little bit man. Not all of us can enjoy life long term, but maybe you'll be happy, who knows happier than you've ever thought, short term. I'm someone who's been a wacky type of man in life, I enjoy talking and sometimes doing wild/adventurous shit, you know, if you're gonna leave, live life once, unleash your self if leaving the world is what's ahead. I'm so fucking alone I can't even do that and I'm giving in writing I would do it for a year straight blowing away money into the grave. There's no point in me living my life too, but I wish life gave me a chance.

And I'm not talking about criminal or immoral things, boyish adventure, or whatever you enjoy as much as that

BUT: also note vulnerability is luxury meal for predators, so do it very carefully. Predators who abuse psychologically.