Im a coward

[time.is.near]

I was going to do it, I took the sleeping pills and my other meds. My brain's SI is crazy. I keep getting scared over what might happen after death. The fact of non existence frightens me. Im too coward to put the bag on my head and fall asleep forever. I have nothing and no one so I'm not sure why I can't go through with it? Ive been obsessing over death recently, so I hope that eventually my desire to ctb curbs my fears SOON. Im tired and haven't showered in a week or so, i keep thinking and missing my ex, im frustrated. :/

 

[JRSEchelon]

The fear of death is normal I think. No matter where you are in your feelings of wanting to CTB. What's important here I think before you decide to CTB is trying to do what you can to change things. You mentioned how you're feeling frustrated and missing your ex. You also mention how basic things are exhausting for you, such as showering.

Well, I've been there many times and the hardest part is continuing forward. I think something that keeps me trying even though the desire to CTB grows stronger, is that it's important to try what we can such as therapy, exercise, Western and Eastern modalities and medicine, getting away from people rooted in negativity, and try to find things that help in that present moment because that's all we have.

If after you've tried what's available out there and you're still desiring to CTB then you have that choice to or keep going. Just remember, there's always tomorrow, there's always the next hour, or even that next moment which may shift your feelings, thoughts, and desires.

Sending my best.