passivethought121
Student
- Jun 11, 2023
- 315
Doesn't matter if there is nobody or there is everybody to "reach out" to, I never will. It's not that I have 0 friends and family, but that I'm physically incapable of it. I tried too hard [to reach out] when I was far too young, and the responses have instilled a belief that has become an instinct. Comparison, invalidation, denial, disbelief. While I only need one hand to count how many people I "reached out" to, there will never be a proper way to measure how much I valued them and how that made their reactions immensely more painful. Nowadays, the mental challenge has manifested physically. I found a therapist out of coercion, and I was only capable of writing my feelings. She said so much bullshit I didn't agree with, yet I couldn't bring myself to speak. It felt like a free trial of selective mutism. She made my issues feel minor and defeatable. Perhaps I'm too sensitive to live. I don't ever feel severe enough to reach out, either. The thought of physically talking about my issues makes me cringe. It makes me feel that I am those dramatic children who fake mental illness for attention. I can copy a 3k word suicide note, paste it into an email or dm of anyone that might care about me, but I will never send it. For I believe, or rather know, that I won't hear a good reaction. My mind will come up with a million reasons. It feels like putting my hand into a fire. I'll feel like they're stressed and busy, too much to give a shit. I'll believe they're tired of me, and this was the last straw. I'll believe they don't believe me, and will tell me I'm dramatic. I'll believe it's so much harder for them, and they'll see my issues as "the better hand". I believe I'll become the friend who only whines, and is therefore toxic.
The only time I feel comfortable "reaching out" is when I know there'll never be anything more. When I know they'll forget me, won't reply, won't send anyone, won't feel guilty, or won't see me again.
The only time I feel comfortable "reaching out" is when I know there'll never be anything more. When I know they'll forget me, won't reply, won't send anyone, won't feel guilty, or won't see me again.